Difficult Situation

Marisco

Lotus-eater wrote: »

There's much less of a risk actually, because every bloke on his own who talks to a kid is looked at as a pedo.
I love kids, I speak to them, wave and make silly faces at them all the time, often I get looked at as though I have something wrong with me by the parents, even when I have my own kids with me.
I don't care tbh, I'm not going to change the way I am, just because the whole nation is pedo mad.

They did an experiment in a shopping mall a while ago, it was on the telly. They had 2 kids, a boy and girl in two separate places, crying as if they were lost. I think they were about 9/10 not sure now it was a while ago. Only two people, I think it was, stopped to see what was up. And when they asked the others why they didn't stop, their answer was they were afraid to, because of all the hoo ha about snatchers, nonces etc!! I thought that was dead sad.

They also reckon there are no more child murders now, than there were 30/40 years ago, it's just we hear about them all now. It just makes everyone paranoid, and think there are nonces round every corner!!! I should imagine there would be far more RTC's than murders, due to far more cars on the roads! Plus all fields and green spaces have been built over, so kids no longer have places to play. Don't get me going, or I'll be in danger of having a good rant!!!

building_with_lego

For anyone frightened of abduction I can recommend How to Live Dangerously by Warwick Cairns to put things into perspective. The stats are astonishing: to get your child abducted you'd have to lock them outside for 12 hours a day for about 200,000 years. They would then be abducted, and you'd get them back safe within 24 hours.

Lotus-eater

There was a really sad study, where they showed a picture of a man in a park giving a boy a cuddle.
In Italy they thought it meant a loving father. Here, most people thought it meant a pedo.

A very sad reflection on the power of the media to pervert peoples minds.

Please don't think I'm not saying these people don't exist, of course they do, but it's much much more important to worry about the roads.

belfastgirl23

Well honestly I do think you're overreacting a bit, I think we're such a risk averse culture now that we're probably endangering children the other way by not exposing them to enough different situations.

But at the same time in your job I understand why you might have a different level of risk perception. I think that's how I would put it to your MIL, that you have seen some awful things and it just scared you a bit when she left your son for a few minutes. That you understand that she feels differently but for your own peace of mind could she promise not to do it again. Make it about you rather than her. I have a friend who won't go up stairs that have gaps in them, do I think she's a bit strange, well yes but do I trawl around to find a lift or alternative stairs, yes I do because I understand that's what she needs. I guess you need a similar situation with her. Sounds like she has a tough enough life to be honest without any additional drama. And in no way did she intend to risk or endanger your son, you have to keep that at the forefront of your mind.

picnmix

My in-laws came near us on holiday camping and we went to their campsite for a meal. At the time my DD was 2, we were in the club house and it was packed, I had gone to order the food and MIL was amusing DD in an adjoining room to the bar. Whilst I was stood waiting to order in wandered MIL with no sign of DD, I asked if my OH had arrived and she said "no" I asked where DD was, she had left her stood on a chair at the table football machine :eek:. MIL still to this day doesn't understand why I was so upset, I rushed into her and she was crying her eyes out. Needless to say the meal then had a very icy atmosphere.

Now she is 6, I think if she was in a motorway SS with an older cousin and a resturant full of people I would not have left them, would have taken them to the toilet with me and asked the chap to watch the food.

Newly_retired

Yes, she could and should have asked the chap not to let anybody clear the food away whilst she nipped to the loo with both kids in tow.
But you try taking kids away from a meal when they are hungry, or taking them to the loo when they don't want to go - not easy.

I have just been looking after my grandchildren for a week and of course have not let them out of my sight - or have I?
DGD is 6 and now when we go to the ladies if we are both desperate we go in separate ones simultaneously. Though at a motorway services I make sure we all 3 go in together. At a stately home outdoor cafe I let her go to the loo ( door just 3meters away from where I was sitting) by herself so that DGS could carry on eating his meal. I never leave DGS aged 3 for an instant.He will be coming with me to the ladies for some years yet.
In the soft play cafe DGS suddenly needed to do a poo so I ran with him leaving DGD in the soft play area, which incidentally was full of grandparents in the cafe.
We have to gradually let children grow up and in a fairly safe environment we take slightly more risks. I don't consider a motorway services cafe area a safe environment.
So I understand how the OP felt , but gradually the children will have to be allowed to becomme more independent, step by step, as they grow older.

esmy

I think I'd be more bothered that she didn't tell the children what she was doing - 'I'm going back to the loo 'cos I've left my phone there. You sit here, don't go anywhere, I'll be back in 2 minutes....' At 8 and 6 I think they would have perhaps understood and been happier knowing where she was. At that age I wouldn't have taken them with me but nor would I have asked a stranger to look after them - I would have trusted them to do as they were told and mine knew at that age that they should not go off with anyone etc. As a Social Worker you should know that the most dangerous adults are those that children know......

FBaby

How do you define a safe environment though? You might be in a little family like cafe which doesn't have smoke detectors and that might be putting the children in more danger than a large place full of strangers. It is all down to perception and that's why I think it is bad. We install irational fears in our kids' mind. What worries me is that those kids who are given very little independent skills suddenly turn teenagers who are cluless yet are suddenly left to their own devices and this is where all the disasters take place. I much prefer to teach my kids independent skills at at early age.

I come from France and kids there (who as far as I know as no more intelligent or fearless than our English children and crime is no less privalent) are left to their own device at a much earlier age. It is totally common for an 8 year old to be left at home on their own for a couple of hours, yet in this country, this cause uproar. Some kids as young as 6 walk on their own to school, here, it wouldn't take long before social services are called. Personally, I think it explains the difference in the number of teenagers getting into trouble (ie. high prevalence of kids dropping out, teenage pregnancy rate etc...) because they have been overprotected as kids, never have to be responsible for themselves, but that's my opinion.

FBaby

esmy wrote: »

I think I'd be more bothered that she didn't tell the children what she was doing - 'I'm going back to the loo 'cos I've left my phone there. You sit here, don't go anywhere, I'll be back in 2 minutes....' At 8 and 6 I think they would have perhaps understood and been happier knowing where she was. At that age I wouldn't have taken them with me but nor would I have asked a stranger to look after them - I would have trusted them to do as they were told and mine knew at that age that they should not go off with anyone etc. As a Social Worker you should know that the most dangerous adults are those that children know......

Totally agree with this

dibuzz

Slightly different but my MIL offered to bath my 2 yr old son when I was heavily pregnant.
After a few minutes she came down and sat in front of the TV so I asked where DS was, she replied that she had left him playing in the bath.
I was horrified and waddled straight up to find him crying. I hadn't heard him because his dad always had the TV blasting.
She didn't see that she had done anything wrong but it was the last time I let her bath him.
He is 23 now but still remembers being scared when nan left him in the bath.

I think it's a generation thing, they didn't have to keep such a close eye on their own kids and can't understand how much times have changed.