Difficult Situation

shelley_crow

Warning..another thread about MIL and grandchildren...

Before I start, I'd like to make it clear that myself and MIL get on really well and she has never done anyhting like this before, as far as I know.

I have 2 children, they don't see MIL much because she works full time and is constantly looking after my son's cousins, their mom dumps them on MIL all the time. We do take our sons to see her but she is either tired from shift work or run ragged with the other children.

MIL offered to take my son (6 years old) and his cousin on a day trip to the seaside, I think because she has hardly seen him over the past few months. They went, had a great time and came back. While talking, she let something slip that I haven't been able to stop brooding about. On the way back, they stopped at motorway services to get something to eat. my son and his cousin had just sat down and MIL realised that she left her phone in the toilets, on the other side of the service station. She set off to get it and asked the nearest stranger, who happened to be a random lorry driver to keep an eye on my son and his cousin while she was gone! The toilets were completely out of sight of the cafe where my son and his cousin were sitting.

I'm absolutely fuming. I know that not every stranger is a !!!!!phile and yada yada but I can't believe she was so irresponsible. I asked my son and he said he was worried because he didn't know where she was going nd didn't know if she was coming back, his cousin is a bit older and he said that she wasn't fussed when their nan went off.

As I said, his nan doesn't have him very often but I'm undecided whether to let her take him out again. My other son is not one yet and is probably coming up to an age where she will want to take him out too. I can't help wondering what she would have done if my son was there without his cousin, would she still have left him with a stranger?

I know that my other half isn't happy but I don't think he would go so far as to stop his mom looking after them. I know for a fact that if she had been a childminder and not his nan, I would have had her head on a spike outside my front door.

I suppose I'm just looking for reassurance that I'm not overreacting, as I can see that is something I will be accused of if I stop MIL taking my children out by herself in the future.

crazyguy

Cant you just tell her how you feel about the siuation and say that you were not happy about them being left alone, surely you dont want fall out with her.

Alikay

I think it's just a generation thing: My parents and in-laws have often quoted situations where they asked a stranger to "keep an eye on" us for a few minutes. This included popping to the shops while leaving kids in the swimming pool, going to the pub and asking neighbours to "listen out", going to parties at neighbours' houses and just relying on kids wandering across the road if parents were needed and (probably worst of all) putting kids on long distance buses and trains (to be met by family members at the other end) and asking random strangers to check we were OK. Yes, seriously!!

Turns out that this was pretty normal in the 60's when we were growing up, so I wonder if your MIL is caught in a bit of a time-warp regarding responsibility for children? Whatever the reason she needs to be gently but firmly told that this is no longer the case: These days responsibility for children is firmly with the adult caring for them, not the community at large.

ETanny

Talk to her, she may not realise times have changed and we don't leave our kids with any Tom, !!!!!! or Harry. Make her aware of how this situation has made you feel.
As your sons parent it is your right to express your concerns if someone does or says something that is not in the best interests of your child.

shelley_crow

when she told me she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, she said she really wanted to get her phone back! I don't want to fall out with her but I don't know if I trust her to keep my children safe when they are with her.

crazyguy

If it were me I would explain my concerns to her again and just say look at the abductions that happen with kids and thats the reason why you hold a strong belief that they should not be left unatended at any time

gratefulforhelp_2

crazyguy wrote: »

Cant you just tell her how you feel about the siuation and say that you were not happy about them being left alone, surely you dont want fall out with her.

Good advice but if you have done it and got the response below...

shelley_crow wrote: »

when she told me she doesn't see anything wrong with what she did, she said she really wanted to get her phone back! I don't want to fall out with her but I don't know if I trust her to keep my children safe when they are with her.

Does she understand that it may be ok for her kids but its not ok for yours?

When the terrible story broke about Madeleine McCann broke, my MIL horrified me by saying "we've all done it" but she could at least understand that we never would.

FBaby

How old is the cousin? Personally I don't find it that shocking. As you said, the worse that could have happened was that a ...phile happened to be there at that moment and seized the opportunity, which as we know could potentially happen even when children are closed by. You wouldn't do it because it would make you anxious, but if she didn't, then I don't think it is worth discussing it with her. Put things into perspective. The likelyhood that the man she asked to keep an eye on them had bad intentions or that anyone could come and grab both of them without anyone doing anything is probably 1 in a million. With her gone, it made it probably something like 2 in a million... is the 1 chance they could have in more danger worth getting your MIL upset the the chance that she never takes your son out again? The chance that your son gets upset by it is much more likely to be 1 in a million....

martinthebandit

Personally it seems you are over reacting to me, it was a public place and she asked someone to look out for them while she went back to the loo.

As an aside how did you expect her to go to the loo while she had them for a day anyway?

Errata

You only have two choices - trust her or don't trust her. It's up to you and her how things are dealt with.
What would be the point of me telling you your child was perfectly safe as the likelihood of something happening to both children whilst she was absent is millions to one?

crazyguy

Gratefulforhelp,

You only have two options though

one, to make her understand and see sense and the actual dangers involved
two, dont allow her to have the kids, going to cause further problems and resentment