Friend's Wedding

Lotus-eater

Wilma33 wrote: »

People travelled to another country and only got invited to the evening do?! :eek:

Well it was a short trip across the channel and not to the other side of the world. The bride did worry about asking them, but she just couldn't have any more at the wedding, but she did want to spend the day with all her friends (long sad story and I'm not going to say any more) and they all wanted to come.
It's not anywhere near as bad as it sounds.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Well it was a short trip across the channel and not to the other side of the world. The bride did worry about asking them, but she just couldn't have any more at the wedding, but she did want to spend the day with all her friends (long sad story and I'm not going to say any more) and they all wanted to come.
It's not anywhere near as bad as it sounds.

Sorry, but if you want to spend the day with all your friends you have your wedding where all your friends are, or at least most of them. I take it this wasn't a forced marriage?

Lotus-eater

Person_one wrote: »

Sorry, but if you want to spend the day with all your friends you have your wedding where all your friends are, or at least most of them. I take it this wasn't a forced marriage?

She did have the wedding where most of her friends were.

Person_one

Lotus-eater wrote: »

She did have the wedding where most of her friends were.

Oh, you didn't mention that, just that she felt guilty. Never mind then, now that people tend to move further away from home then they used to there will always be a few friends who need to travel.

I still think its a bit off to only invite long distance guests for the evening though, giving them a full day invite acknowledges the trouble they're going to for you.

burnoutbabe

claire16c wrote: »

We did not get annoyed with anyone who could not come. Most people who really wanted to be there made it, there were a couple of people who genuinely could not afford it and we understood. The only person who really couldnt be bothered to save was my husbands Dad. Which we did not care about, he could have saved if he had really wanted to, but preferred to spend his money on smoking. His loss not ours. It would have been no different if we had got married in the UK, he would have just had another excuse.

but you make it sound like just saying "no, i don't want to use my money in that way" means "you dont care about us". as you said its fine if you can't afford it (implying "you should come if you can afford it")

I could afford 1k to attend a wedding, but would i chose to if it was somewhere i didn't want to go anyway, and not a very close family member/best mate? probably not. But that doesn't mean one doesn't care about the person and wish them well, just that it isn't how they would chose to spend that money.

At least if you are totally broke you can give a good excuse, else you just sound petty if you say sorry i don't want to come. Which is where it gets very awkward.

Person_one

burnoutbabe wrote: »

but you make it sound like just saying "no, i don't want to use my money in that way" means "you dont care about us". as you said its fine if you can't afford it (implying "you should come if you can afford it")

I could afford 1k to attend a wedding, but would i chose to if it was somewhere i didn't want to go anyway, and not a very close family member/best mate? probably not. But that doesn't mean one doesn't care about the person and wish them well, just that it isn't how they would chose to spend that money.

At least if you are totally broke you can give a good excuse, else you just sound petty if you say sorry i don't want to come. Which is where it gets very awkward.

You're spot on. A friend of mine decided she wanted our group of close friends to all go on a luxury holiday to her dream destination for her 30th, she said she was giving us two years notice so plenty of time to save! Luckily we're close enough that I could point out that we are all turning 30 the same year, and if we all demanded that we'd all be bankrupt, and that if I'm going to save £100 a month it will be for things that are a higher priority, like a rainy day fund or holidays to places I actually want to visit!

It doesn't matter if you physically can come up with a large sum of money, you still don't have to and its still pretty entitled in my opinion to ask people to. Would you ask them to just hand over a grand in cash because it would make you feel really happy and special and loved?

bylromarha

Family weddings - eurgh.

SIL got married in 2006 in Cuba. We had a 3 month old baby, a 25 month old toddler and no income with OHs self employment being on a low ebb. SIL understood our no, but in the 5 years since, we still get a little comment here and there from MIL that we weren't there. She offered to pay part of our costs, but seriously, why would we want to pay over £3k to go on holiday for 2 weeks with all SIL friends, MIL and a pile of strangers we were expected to become mates with over 2 weeks. And weaning starting in Cuba...?

SIL had a baby shower Nov 2009. We were at a local wedding that weekend, so couldn't go. Got grief for that - choosing a friends wedding over a baby shower, especially as we didn't go to the wedding...

MIL got married in Spring 2010. Her hen night was a 200 mile round trip, and I couldn't make it as OH away, so I had to babysit. Got grief for not making the effort.

MIL had a small family wedding, for which we had to stay overnight for the morning family breakfast.. Then 3 weeks later the party, for which we had to stay overnight for the morning family breakfast. Petrol + hotel bills all added up.

Whilst all this was going on, my sis was got married. She had a hen weekend in Dublin, which I refused as I don't get drunk, so a 4 day weekend getting drunk with strangers was not something I was willing to pay £500 for. Then she had her bigger hen night in her town, which was the same night as MILs big wedding party - so I couldn't make the 6 hour round trip for that either. 1 year on, that still gets mentioned I never went to either of her hen nights.

Sis's wedding was another 2 night stay, petrol, pressies, outfits.

Was so glad when summer 2011 came around and we only had 7 local friends weddings to attend...

alibongo42

I'm another one who got married abroad. We wouldn't have dreamt of doing it it mattered to us who would and wouldn't be there. We didn't feel it was right to "invite" anyone, but simply told people what we were doing. A few friends and family asked if they could come and of course we said yes. We still couldn't please everyone though, as a family member later complained they hadn't been "invited"!

With family and friends in mind, we also organised a reception in a social club (cheap drinks) local to the majority of our friends and family despite the fact that WE lived 400 miles away. The reception included a blessing ceremony so grannies, aunties etc. still got to see us "get married". We even did another set of photographs so we could include everyone.

I had two hen nights, one in England for my English friends and one in Scotland for Scottish friends and family, to avoid dragging people all over the UK.

I feel very strongly that you should make life as easy for your guests as possible, so they can relax and enjoy themselves. There is nothing good to be gained from dragging a bunch of people to a location or venue they feel socially uncomfortable in or cannot afford.

Torry_Quine

alibongo42 wrote: »

I'm another one who got married abroad. We wouldn't have dreamt of doing it it mattered to us who would and wouldn't be there. We didn't feel it was right to "invite" anyone, but simply told people what we were doing. A few friends and family asked if they could come and of course we said yes. We still couldn't please everyone though, as a family member later complained they hadn't been "invited"!

With family and friends in mind, we also organised a reception in a social club (cheap drinks) local to the majority of our friends and family despite the fact that WE lived 400 miles away. The reception included a blessing ceremony so grannies, aunties etc. still got to see us "get married". We even did another set of photographs so we could include everyone.

I had two hen nights, one in England for my English friends and one in Scotland for Scottish friends and family, to avoid dragging people all over the UK.

I feel very strongly that you should make life as easy for your guests as possible, so they can relax and enjoy themselves. There is nothing good to be gained from dragging a bunch of people to a location or venue they feel socially uncomfortable in or cannot afford.

Good to hear that some people can have the wedding they want and cater for family and friends.

balletshoes

newcook wrote: »

why do people still feel awkward saying 'I cant afford it'?! I truly thought (especially with the recession etc) that we had moved on from the times of 'keeping up with the Joneses'

and for those saying its selfish - how on earth is it selfish for a couple to decide THEY want to have THEIR wedding abroad?!? Some have it abroad purely in the hope that those who they feel obliged to invite wont be able to go!!

I got married abroad - for 2 reasons, the 2nd one being I really didn't want a big wedding at all so we didn't invite anyone .
I do think that if a couple want to get married abroad and want a wedding party involved, they should at least contribute to the travelling costs/hotel etc for their party. But I'd still expect lots of invited guests to turn down the invitation, on costs grounds, if they are having to pay to go to the wedding location.