Friend's Wedding

claretmatt

I was asked to be bestman and OH bridesmaid. We were asked to pay for suit, bridesmaid dress, shoes, hair, hotel along with usual drinks etc.

When I said, due to OH's pay going to zero on maternity leave that I couldn't afford his £400 stag do he hit the roof.

Told me I was letting him down, retracted the duties and said we were not welcome at the wedding.

wannabe_sybil

claretmatt wrote: »

I was asked to be bestman and OH bridesmaid. We were asked to pay for suit, bridesmaid dress, shoes, hair, hotel along with usual drinks etc.

When I said, due to OH's pay going to zero on maternity leave that I couldn't afford his £400 stag do he hit the roof.

Told me I was letting him down, retracted the duties and said we were not welcome at the wedding.

I remember your thread with awe and wonder - did they ever get back to you?

Birdie85

claretmatt wrote: »

When I said, due to OH's pay going to zero on maternity leave that I couldn't afford his £400 stag do he hit the roof.

Told me I was letting him down, retracted the duties and said we were not welcome at the wedding.

Similar thing happened to my DH, he was best man for a friend who was on at him constantly in the run up to our wedding about organising his stag do, when DH told him that he wanted to concentrate on his own wedding first and that paying for that and his honeymoon were his priority his friend bumped him down to an usher as he wasn't 'commited' enough to his best man duties!

Funnily enough Mojisola, our friends don't agree with your statement that their wedding (and expecting everyone to go) is no different to ours, as they're being 'kind' enough to get married within the UK they assume that we're all going to drop everything and spend a fortune to go to Aberdeen. In a sense we were kinder by getting married abroad as people had more reason to say no and not have to spend a penny on our wedding rather than a big party of us being obliged to go to their wedding and spend our year's holiday budget on one weekend!

claire16c

I got married abroad and gave everyone roughly 2 years notice. We had over 30 people come, and they cant stop talking about the holiday every time I see any of our guests. They all want to go back again. One family even took me and my husband and parents out for a meal there- and paid for it - just to thank us for showing them the place as they might not have gone there otherwise, and couldnt get over it!

We did not get annoyed with anyone who could not come. Most people who really wanted to be there made it, there were a couple of people who genuinely could not afford it and we understood. The only person who really couldnt be bothered to save was my husbands Dad. Which we did not care about, he could have saved if he had really wanted to, but preferred to spend his money on smoking. His loss not ours. It would have been no different if we had got married in the UK, he would have just had another excuse.

We had a great wedding, with photos we never could have got in the UK, guaranteed sunshine, and enjoyed a lovely holiday with lots of friends and family. At the end of the day a wedding is about a couple, and if people dont want to go to where it is, no one is forcing them to!

Ive spent hundreds going to weddings in the UK. At least if I were to be invited to a wedding abroad, Ill just make that my holiday destination for that year and so wont actually be spending anymore than I would have anyway. One of my husbands friends might be getting married abroad in the next couple of years, and personally I cant wait to go!

danielley

What an intriguing thread... its got me thinking....

My OH and I have attended 7 couples weddings over the past 4 years and I have just worked out what we spent

Wedding 1 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £0, Hotel Room £90, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £85 Total = £755

Wedding 2 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £69, Gift £100, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £45 Total = £1044

Wedding 3 - Stag Do £0, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £65 Total = £795

Wedding 4 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £100, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £35 Total = £965

Wedding 5 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £60 Total = £1140

Wedding 6 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £0, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £0 Total = £580

Wedding 7 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £0, Taxi Home £24, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £65 Total = £669

That totals a whopping £5948!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it!

And I haven't included 3 family weddings in there, one of which was in San Francisco!

I know that we could have made savings, but the thing is, they all get planned so far in advance and you dont realise the true cost because you've paid for the hen party 6 months before and the hotel 2 months before etc...

Thankfully apart from a wedding in September (2 nights in the Lakes no less!) that is it for our circle of friends (we are the only ones left who are engaged)

I'm all for a return to the old days of registery/church marriage and back to a function room for a buffet; its probably what we'll do, or take our parents somewhere hot.


Edit! Just realised, I didn't offer any advice....... OP, I would politely decline and wish them all the very best. As someone earlier said, a telegram would be a nice touch

lostinrates

Newly_retired wrote: »

Call me old fashioned - you'd be right- but this wedding business has become ridiculous.
I wish people would just get married in a simple ceremony, followed by a meal for immediate family, locally, then throw a party for everyone else later on.
Get rid of all the razzamatazz and expense. It's not necessary. A huge debt is no way to launch a marriage, nor for guests to shoulder to be part of the occasion.
Friends of mine ( second marriage) only invited family, about 24 people. When they tried to book a hotel using the word "wedding", the cost was huge. They tried again to book for a "family celebration meal" and were charged a fraction of the cost.
It's all gone crazy.
It's the marriage that matters, not the wedding.

we didn't invite anyone but two friends for witnesses. We've always said we'd have a big housewarming party instead.....we've been in our new house over a year now and still haven't got round to that...

Person_one

claire16c wrote: »

I got married abroad and gave everyone roughly 2 years notice. We had over 30 people come, and they cant stop talking about the holiday every time I see any of our guests. They all want to go back again. One family even took me and my husband and parents out for a meal there- and paid for it - just to thank us for showing them the place as they might not have gone there otherwise, and couldnt get over it!

We did not get annoyed with anyone who could not come. Most people who really wanted to be there made it, there were a couple of people who genuinely could not afford it and we understood. The only person who really couldnt be bothered to save was my husbands Dad. Which we did not care about, he could have saved if he had really wanted to, but preferred to spend his money on smoking. His loss not ours. It would have been no different if we had got married in the UK, he would have just had another excuse.

We had a great wedding, with photos we never could have got in the UK, guaranteed sunshine, and enjoyed a lovely holiday with lots of friends and family. At the end of the day a wedding is about a couple, and if people dont want to go to where it is, no one is forcing them to!

Ive spent hundreds going to weddings in the UK. At least if I were to be invited to a wedding abroad, Ill just make that my holiday destination for that year and so wont actually be spending anymore than I would have anyway. One of my husbands friends might be getting married abroad in the next couple of years, and personally I cant wait to go!

Please don't fool yourself that you were doing your friends a favour.

Remember, plenty of us can't afford to take a foreign holiday every year, and when its such a rare occurrence I for one don't want to be dictated to. I don't like hot climates or beach holidays especially, if I'd been saving for three years to go to the Norwegian fjords and you think I'll be happy to drop those plans to go to Aruba for your wedding, you can think again!

Torry_Quine

danielley wrote: »

What an intriguing thread... its got me thinking....

My OH and I have attended 7 couples weddings over the past 4 years and I have just worked out what we spent

Wedding 1 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £0, Hotel Room £90, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £85 Total = £755

Wedding 2 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £69, Gift £100, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £45 Total = £1044

Wedding 3 - Stag Do £0, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £65 Total = £795

Wedding 4 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £100, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £35 Total = £965

Wedding 5 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £400, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £60 Total = £1140

Wedding 6 - Stag Do 350, Hen Do £0, Hotel Room £100, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £0, New Dress £0 Total = £580

Wedding 7 - Stag Do £350, Hen Do £0, Taxi Home £24, Gift £50, Spends £80, Usher suit hire £100, New Dress £65 Total = £669

That totals a whopping £5948!!!!!!!! I cannot believe it!

And I haven't included 3 family weddings in there, one of which was in San Francisco!

I know that we could have made savings, but the thing is, they all get planned so far in advance and you dont realise the true cost because you've paid for the hen party 6 months before and the hotel 2 months before etc...

Thankfully apart from a wedding in September (2 nights in the Lakes no less!) that is it for our circle of friends (we are the only ones left who are engaged)

I'm all for a return to the old days of registery/church marriage and back to a function room for a buffet; its probably what we'll do, or take our parents somewhere hot.


Edit! Just realised, I didn't offer any advice....... OP, I would politely decline and wish them all the very best. As someone earlier said, a telegram would be a nice touch

That amount of expenditure for a wedding is totally ridiculous. A hen or stag night ie a few drinks with friends is all that is needed, new outfits aren't needed every time. You don't always need to stay overnight, surely all the weddings weren't a huge distance away and spends could be reduced and that's a lot for a wedding gift.

The best weddings don't expect their guests to spend a small fortune to join and I have never spent anywhere near that amount of money and certainly none of my guests did I would hope.

*Louise*

OP - I would say we couldn't go, wish them all the best and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. They won't be expecting everyone to make it.

The only time it annoys me is when people get huffy when you say you can't go - that would be annoying and I would be questioning their friendship.

We don't go on holiday abroad ourselves atm, so I wouldn't be spending extra money going to someone's wedding abroad. (And a beach holiday/resort would not appeal anyway)

I would send them a nice gift though

Person_one

Torry_Quine wrote: »

That amount of expenditure for a wedding is totally ridiculous. A hen or stag night ie a few drinks with friends is all that is needed, new outfits aren't needed every time. You don't always need to stay overnight, surely all the weddings weren't a huge distance away and spends could be reduced and that's a lot for a wedding gift.

The best weddings don't expect their guests to spend a small fortune to join and I have never spent anywhere near that amount of money and certainly none of my guests did I would hope.

People's expectations are getting seriously out of hand though. Plenty of people think nothing of organising a weekend away with a different matching outfit or 'theme' each night and several activities each day for their hen or stag. Or an expensive luxury spa day followed by a fancy meal then a private room in a club.

Then for the wedding people are increasingly having them at expensive idyllic venues a substantial distance from where they and most of their friends and family live, so that if you want a glass of wine to make the speeches go faster and agadoo more fun, you have to pay to spend the night or for a taxi to take you 30 miles home. Not to mention the fact that more and more couples have 'child free' weddings so parents have to figure out what to do with the kids. So many these days ask for cash instead of a present, so you can't even economise there and find a good bargain in the sales, they will know the exact amount you consider them worthy of.

You are allowed to say no, but you have weigh up the cost to the friendship and decide what matters most to you, sadly, a lot of people feel under immense pressure to cough up and just get on with it, or you aren't being supportive of their oh so special day.

I blame wedding !!!!!!. People want the lavish celebrity style weddings they see in Hello or on TV, forgetting that those people can afford them!