Help ... could do with some good honest advice

Emmzi

All of that is great, but what about your daughter's right to a relationship with her father?

elvis86

Why don't you go with him and leave your daughter with her dad?;)

findingmyownway

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I know he is serious in wanting me to go too as he has offered to have my horse taken over too (he is rather froogle so this is quite a gesture)

A gesture? What else would he have expected you to do with it?!


I think such a short relationship (am I right in thinking you've being living together for less than 4 months?) isn't enough of a basis to move your daughter away from her life on. It sounds like you've spent more time apart than together.

FattyBettyBoo

Just a bit of background - an not an excuse to justify going .... my Daughter's Dad only sees her because his new girlfriend makes him! He dumped me when I was 5 months pregnant even though it was part of our plans and spent the rest of the pregnancy telling me to get an abortion. He only saw her as a baby because his mum kept inviting me round (he was living there). He is quite a nasty person but I've managed to hide this from my daughter. She hates going but seems to have an OK time while she's there.

grey_lady

Sounds like it could be an amzaing opportunity on the other hand, why not visit and see if you like it?

findingmyownway

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He was head hunted for the job and its a really good one. The way he sees it is that a fantastic job has landed on his lap, in an amazing part of the world and that I had already said I would move away with him.

Whats the job? Is it something where he could spend large periods working from home (ie back in UK)? I have a friend who does 2 weeks in the US then 2 weeks at home in Manchester.

findingmyownway

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

Just a bit of background - an not an excuse to justify going .... my Daughter's Dad only sees her because his new girlfriend makes him! He dumped me when I was 5 months pregnant even though it was part of our plans and spent the rest of the pregnancy telling me to get an abortion. He only saw her as a baby because his mum kept inviting me round (he was living there). He is quite a nasty person but I've managed to hide this from my daughter. She hates going but seems to have an OK time while she's there.

Bravo to the girlfriend!! Hopefully her morals will rub off on him. I think 5yo appearing to dislike going to NRP house is pretty common, as long as she enjoys herself when she gets there thats all that matters. Does she have a good relationship with her step-mum and rest of her dads family?

pmlindyloo

Just a little aside if you do decide to go.

If your daughter's father is named on the birth certificate then he would have parental responsibilty (unless there is a court order to change this) and, as such, I think you would need his permission to take your daughter out of the country.

Good luck with working this out.

Pollycat

Blue_Monkey wrote: »

He seems to have been pretty up front with you in terms of his plans.

I'm not sure that I agree with this.

I can't see anywhere in the OP's post that she was aware that he'd even applied for this job.
To me, that's being underhanded.

FattyBettyBoo
If he wants you to be a big part of his life, why didn't he sit you down and explain to you what he wants out of life and ask what you want - instead of applying for a job behind your back?

I'd be very wary of someone who said this to me:

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He wants me and my 5 year old daughter (with someone else who see's her once a week) to go with him, but cannot say that if I say No/I cant that he will stay.

He's going to do what he wants regardless of what you do or say.

I can't see him ever taking your feelings into account.

He's already swanned off around Australia - and you admit he didn't even tell you if he was coming back or not before he left!

Surely that should tell you something about this guy.

balletshoes

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

didn't seem to bother about you too much when he took off to Oz and not telling you if or when he'd be back.

What if in a few months he want to move on again

These two quotes summarise what most of our arguments were about (me saying exactly that), but we decided that we weren't serious then and that him coming back is a new start. Has has tried really hard to find work here or start a business but where we live in remore and opportunities are few. We had a big talk when he got back and I said then that I would move away with him in the future as there are no long term prospects here for him - I just didn't think it would be so soon or so far. He was head hunted for the job and its a really good one. The way he sees it is that a fantastic job has landed on his lap, in an amazing part of the world and that I had already said I would move away with him. His mum died when he was young and he has no real close family - I think he doesn't quite get what I'd be giving up. I know he is serious in wanting me to go too as he has offered to have my horse taken over too (he is rather froogle so this is quite a gesture)

I don't think he's done anything wrong, he's been upfront about his plans etc all along, and really, you've only been in a relationship since October last year, and not serious until May this year. This is still a very young relationship.

Can you handle the prospect of a long distance relationship for a while, if your partner takes the California job and you stay put while he finds his feet?

Your daughter having the majority of her support network here is a biggie in my opinion, unless you were all amenable to sharing trips and expenses from the US to here etc, it could all get very messy. Personally, I wouldn't let that stop me, but it would be huge consideration.

The biggest consideration of all for me in your situation would be, how many times and over what kind of distances are you prepared to be uprooted? It doesn't sound like your partner is ready to settle in any one place, call any place "home" yet. Of course there are no guarantees in life and it would be unfair I think to expect that the California location would ultimately be your last, but is that what you want? If its not, maybe you shouldn't relocate when your partner does.