Help ... could do with some good honest advice

Errata

Re visas, he has said that if he wants the job their HR department will sort them out. As he is Canadian he can get a TN visa which allows Canadians to work in the US in certain job categories, which this one falls into. I asked him about what me and DD would do and he said it would be up to their HR to sort it.

Sorry to say this, but he doesn't have a clue. I suspect he's a bit of a Peter Pan and enjoys flitting hither and thither without any encumbrances. I don't think you know him half as well as you think you do, and that's not a good position for a single mum to be in.

FattyBettyBoo

I'm at the point now where I'm being agreeable and hoping that the visas don't work out - and if his visa works out and mine doesn't and he goes without me then that's not the kind of man I should be with anyway.

Tish_P

Seconding everything scooterpig said, because sometimes the Thanks button just isn't enough! I worked in the states for 3 years and although I had a great time and was hugely lucky to be in a nice town with a rewarding job and find friends quickly, it can be a strange, strange place for a Brit. I've known others find it almost impossible to settle in socially.

You're clearly feeling a bit trapped where you are, OP. But there are better ways to claim your freedom than going along with your OH's plans especially if they are poorly thought out ones.

Tish_P

If you're hoping that the visas don't work out that means you don't want to go. So why not tell him "I don't want to go" clearly and honestly? It doesn't set a good precedent for your relationship (or example for your daughter, cone to think of it) if you avoid discussing vitally important issues for the sake of being agreeable.

Errata

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I'm at the point now where I'm being agreeable and hoping that the visas don't work out - and if his visa works out and mine doesn't and he goes without me then that's not the kind of man I should be with anyway.

If you can't tell him what's on your mind, I doubt you have much of a relationship at all.

globetraveller

Tish and Errata have hit the nail on the head.
Sit down and talk about your worries. Is it fair for him if you are not telling him the truth? A frank conversation is what is needed. And listen and watch carefully to see how he reacts. Does he dismiss worries? Or does he come up with any solutions?
Even if you decide after that he is "the one" and you think you are his "the one" then let him go ahead and see how the job goes before thinking of you moving. If he isn't interested then you really aren't his "the one".
I hope it all turns out for the best.

FattyBettyBoo

He needs to see what they're offering as a package e.g. salary, holidays, signing on bonus, medical etc before he knows if even he wants to go. I don't feel that until we know these details that it would be a good idea to tell him I don't want to. If I keep quiet he may decide on his own that it just won't work. If the HR package is good then I will of course tell him that I don't want us to go.

globetraveller

so you are going to let him go through all that and then tell him you don't want to?? How do you think he will feel? Why aren't you able to tell him your feelings?

FattyBettyBoo

Why aren't you able to tell him your feelings?

Because I still have no idea what they are. Hoping the visas don't work out is my way of wishing the whole thing will go away. The week it will take them to come up with the offer allows me some thinking time. At the moment all my thoughts feel like they're making my head about to explode and I'm hoping that the time will offer some clarity.

I think about hi going without me and I feel like I'm about to have a panic attack, then I remember he wants me to come and that makes me happy and excited, then I remember every good reason for not going and feel gutted again. And this is on a constant loop at the moment.

globetraveller

I think this thread has been really helpful for you. Putting it down in words often helps even if you don't get answers from anyone except yourself, if you see what I mean.