Help ... could do with some good honest advice

Errata

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He needs to see what they're offering as a package e.g. salary, holidays, signing on bonus, medical etc before he knows if even he wants to go. I don't feel that until we know these details that it would be a good idea to tell him I don't want to. If I keep quiet he may decide on his own that it just won't work. If the HR package is good then I will of course tell him that I don't want us to go.

I would have thought he needs to know what he's applying for before he even thinks of polishing his CV and applying for it and being successful.
It all sounds very airy-fairy to me. Please bear in mind that employment law in the States is not the same as in the UK. People are 'let go' at a moment's notice. He can easily scuttle off over the border to his home in Canada, you can't.

balletshoes

I think if the package is a good one, he'll go. And to be honest, I think its the right thing for him to do.
You've already said he doesn't like where you live together now, there are no prospects for him and this California job is on the face of it his dream job. If he turns it down and decides to try settling with you when its not what he really wants, I think theres a real chance he could end up resenting your relationship.

FattyBettyBoo

would have thought he needs to know what he's applying for before he even thinks of polishing his CV and applying for it and being successful.

He was head hunted for a new position they are creating. The company is legit.

I think this thread has been really helpful for you. Putting it down in words often helps even if you don't get answers from anyone except yourself, if you see what I mean.

I was actually just about to say the same thing. It really has helped. My friends have all said that I'd be mad not to take up the chance of a lifetime - how many people get the chance to live as a kept person in a place as amazing as Foothill Range, California. That I am so lucky to have found someone that I want to be with forever (that wasn't really my style before now) and that even if it didn't work out its better to regret things you,ve done than those you didn't. My work offers career breaks of up to 5 years and you can cut it short at any point. My Dad has plenty of room in his house and would be thrilled to have us if we moved back (we lived with him until 3 years ago). They all said "do it and if it doesn't work, come back and pick up where you left off". These friends know me, my OH, my DD and my family, so they have that as an advantage when giving advice. HOWEVER, friends do often tell you what they think you want to hear. You lot on the other hand are (brutally!) honest!!!! All this combined is actually providing a good for and against list in my head.

So .... I decided to get it all down on paper, so have spent the last hour writing him a letter. He may never get to read the letter, and even if he does if will be highly edited as my thoughts change along the way .. but the upshot is that I feel like I'm thinking more clearly now and that I have my thoughts laid out in a more organised fashion.

Nimeth

OP, I really do think you need to sit down and tell your OH your feelings. If you're not sure what you're feeling, tell him just that. "I'm not sure how I feel about this, I'm not entirely comfortable with the situation." Honesty is always the best policy imo and it gets the two of you really, really communicating with each other. If he decides that he wants to take this job and you don't want to go but decide to carry on a long distance relationship, communication is going to be crucial to having it work for both of you.

Whatever he finds out about this job, 5 things can happen here:
1. He accepts the job and you and your DD go with him, subject to getting the visas
2. He accepts the job, you don't go with him and you have a LDR
3. He accepts the job, you don't go with him and you split up
4. He doesn't accept the job and stays with you or
5. He doesn't accept the job but decides to split anyway.

As for the visas, Errata is right, he really doesn't understand how it works. If your OH gets a TN visa, you would have to get a TD visa, which I doubt you're likely to get as you're not married. This does really complicate things. As you're non-Canadian, you'd have to get this visa from the US Embassy, rather than at the airport as your OH would be able to do. The only other way for you to legally reside in the US would be for you to find an employer who will sponsor you for a H1-B work visa, which I think have yearly caps. This is just scratching the surface of the visa issue, as you can see it's complicated!

Employment law and policy is way different than here too. Less holiday, far less tolerance generally of sick days and yes, your OH can be fired without a real reason given and he will not have much redress to challenge it. Health insurance, even employer sponsored insurance will cost a lot. My dad pays well over $500 a month in health insurance for him and my mother and they're both in very good health. If there's no employer sponsored insurance it will cost even more than that. He needs to sit and really consider these things, as do you, especially if he's not got his heart set on it.

He may want to take a look at this forum: http://www.immigrationboards.com/
It's mostly for UK visas but there is a section for US visas that he may find helpful. I know these boards certainly helped me when I was applying for UK visas.

Errata

OP - has he shown you anything in writing ? If so far the only thing that's happened is a few phone conversations then they're only worth the electricity they used.
Why would the company headhunt him? What skills/experience/qualifications does he have that hundreds, perhaps thousands, of Americans don't have that makes him so special?
I'm guessing he's in his early/mid thirties - why isn't he settled into a career and working his way up the promotion ladder instead of hopping from job to job and country to country?
These are all questions you would immediately be able to answer, if you knew him well. It seems to me that so far all you know about him is what he chooses to tell you.
I think you're right about your friends responses - easy for them, they won't suffer any fallout if it all goes wrong.

zcrat41

I wouldn't move next door, let alone to another country without a ring on my finger.

You and your daughter could be left high and dry. Make him show some commitment!

Tish_P

Good idea to write the letter - it always helps to get things down in writing!

If you're unsure about whether you want to go, it is even more important that you discuss practicalities as soon as possible with your OH so that you can make your mind up in possession of all the facts - and get the wheels in motion with various embassies and/or arrange to marry if that is your decision.

Have either of you visited the town? Importantly, can you drive? (It is often all but impossible to get anywhere in the US without a car.) What will you do all day when you are being "kept" - housework? Would you be OK with that or with such total dependence on him? How often will you be able to afford either to visit home, or have people from home visit you? Your OH may not have a salary offer yet, but he must have some idea what they are likely to offer or what he will negotiate for - having this kind of thing calculated beforehand might even help in his negotiations as he will know what his lower limits are.

And I know others have mentioned it but please be sure you know where you are as regards health insurance. It would've been over $600/month for me as a very healthy mid-twenties woman, and that's with plenty of discounts and co-payments.

FattyBettyBoo

I wouldn't move next door, let alone to another country without a ring on my finger.

You and your daughter could be left high and dry. Make him show some commitment!

I think i said that a while back and most people think that's a bad idea. Looks like I'd have to have a ring on my finger if I wanted to go anyway!

His minimum requires he has set to take the job are $100,000 salary, 4 weeks holiday, signing bonus and medical insurance for both of us. He thinks we'll be comfortable on that salary given the high cost of living there. I write for a living (I know thats seems odd give the incoherent, mis-spelled ramblings on here) so I would carry on doing that. I believe everyone has a book in them?!?

I'm guessing he's in his early/mid thirties - why isn't he settled into a career and working his way up the promotion ladder instead of hopping from job to job and country to country?

I can drive and I'm 33. He is 38 and worked his way up from an intern in a small company is being Head of Supply chain development . He has taken many promotions to work his way up his chosen field, but has moved companies a couple of times to do so. He has worked for two different US companies before and lived in Boston for 8 years - so has a good understanding of US life and work. He seems to think a visa for me would be doable - I think it would be a lot harder than he's suggesting. I think that if he really wants to go and really wants me to go wit him we would have to be married. Whether or not this would be a good idea is a different matter.

Errata

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I think i said that a while back and most people think that's a bad idea. Looks like I'd have to have a ring on my finger if I wanted to go anyway!

Getting married just to be able to go to California sounds like you need to consider your priorities.

Tish_P

More than one friend of mine has married after a comparatively short space of time because immigration situations and/or careers forced them into an earlier decision than they might have chosen. Years down the line, they are all still happy. It can work! But it needs a lot of communication because you haven't the luxury of just drifting along and see how you feel. You need to be completely open about your life goals and needs and you need to trust him to be the same.

If you actually want to live abroad, and this falls through, why not look into other ways to do it? If you're a British citizen you have the right to live and work anywhere in the EU.