Help ... could do with some good honest advice

Nimeth

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I suppose the logical thing to do would be to suggest we get married - VISA and commitment issues sort it one go!!

I don't think you understand quite how hard it is to get a US Visa. I'm not having a go, just laying it all out for you. It is harder than hard, bordering on impossible and the wait times can be ridiculous. The fact that your fella isn't even a US citizen but a Canadian one makes it harder. And as Tropez pointed out even being married as a dependent of his doesn't guarantee that you'll be given a visa.

Not to mention the fact that you haven't been with this guy all that long and discussing marriage in order to move to the US with him, even if you do love him, well I think you're rushing it a bit.

My OH is British, I'm American by birth (now dual national) and we had a long distance relationship for two years before either of us even thought about moving to be with the other and we decided that I'd move to Britain largely because I hated living in the US. You state that it's an amazing part of the world and it is, however, you really do need to bear in mind what you see on the surface is quite different from the reality of living there long term. I know this from experience.

As for your fella, to be honest, he sounds a little flighty and that he really doesn't know what he wants all that much. He's a wanderer from what I can see. He's always wanted to go backpacking round Australia, he got there and changed his mind almost straight away.

You're in a honeymoon period with your relationship and as such prone to not quite think things through as thoroughly as you normally might. Someone suggested that if he gallivants off to this job that perhaps you could give it some time, have a long distance relationship, maybe make a visit or two. I agree with that. I don't think it's fair to uproot your daughter away from all her friends and family for a man who doesn't act like he's settled and takes your feelings into consideration. I'm tempted to think that he's emotionally manipulated you into saying that you'd move with him when the discussion has seemed to be one sided towards his feelings and wants.

Trust me, the emotional impact and implications of moving far away to entirely new country are absolutely HUGE, more than you can imagine, for you, for your daughter and your family. I strongly advise that you do not make any decisions yet, take some time and really, truly think it through. I've been there, done that and got the t-shirt.

thorsoak

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

I suppose the logical thing to do would be to suggest we get married - VISA and commitment issues sort it one go!!

Worst idea possible!!! After weddings come divorce - and you're going to be half-way round the world, as a non-working "alien" - what then?

My suggestion would be let him go - let him get the job, settle in the job, you can write/email/skype, you & your daughter could go and visit him (if he's going to be on a mega-super salary then he should be able to finance that!) - see how YOU like it there - then make decisions - but to drop everything and go off to California on the whim of a partner with wanderlust is just plain daft!

make_me_wise

I get the feeling that yours and your daughters lives will always end up fitting around and accomodating your boyfriend and what he wants from life. If you were really with 'the one' you would not be in this position. Plans for the future would be a shared experience. Not taking off round the world on a whim and chasing after dream after dream. I dont feel you have known him long enough, or really spent enough time together, to make it sensible to upsticks and move to the other side of the world.

Legally I think your daughters biological father would have rights to say no to his daughter being taken abroad for anything other than a holiday.

Whatever you decide to do OP, I hope you will be happy.

jackyann

I think you need to talk it over with your dad and anyone else you trust.

Then, whatever you decide, I think you need a testing / get-out clause.

If you stay, then, as other posters have said, ask if he'll pay for you both to go for holidays. That will be a test.

If you go, ask him about medical & dental care for you & your daughter (will his company cover it, if not, will he buy some insurance for you?) and make ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you have a FoF ( at least taxi & air fare - last minute rates + a couple of nights in a hotel & a bit of spare for clothes & stuff you might need) that he can't access, that you don't touch; and that you have someone (your dad?) to go to if you need to return. If he EVER puts you in a position that you have to dip into that fund, leave immediately.

FattyBettyBoo

Its strange reading all the comments about us not having been together long as it feels like I've always been with him This may be as I work from home and he is unemployed so we spend all our time together. He's the first person I've been with who I want to be with forever - I'm 33 and have had my fair share of relationships. When I think of moving with him it seems so difficult for every reason everyone has mentioned above - but when I think about the possibility of losing him its unbearable.

I tend to put everything that happened before he came back from australia in a mental box and try not to think about it. This is because since he got back he has been the perfect boyfriend. He is actually an amazing person and it would be in my mind impossible to find anyone anyway near as fantastic or that I feel this way about. At the moment, not having any work is driving him mad. He is extremley motivated and career driven and is festering at home doing not much (he's off doing DIY SOS today). The job description is perfect for him, the salary is amazing and he would love to live in California. All this combined is making him really excited and he's just desperate for me to be part of this with him.

If I had no child I wouldn't think twice. But I do and that changes everything. If she was his would that be any different? People do this all the time (watch Wanted Downunder!!). Kids are always taken half way around the world - separated from most of the family, but they make it work. The big issue then is just the fact of her biological Dad. If he/we don't go we'll end up moving away from where we are anyway (prob somewhere else in the UK) as North Wales has no job prospects. Even if we moved a couple of hours away my daughter's Dad would make no effort to see her - it would be up to me to deliver and collect. california is half a world away but I have the feeling that it could be London and it would make no difference in terms of access.

balletshoes

before you talk yourself into going OP, (and I do understand what you're saying about whole families emigrating etc), check out with the relevant authorities that you and your daughter will actually be able to reside legally in the USA.

Nimeth

OP, if he really is serious about sharing this with you, he'd be willing to take things slowly. This is NOT something you should be rushing into. Is he willing to do so? Have you spoken to him about giving it some time for him to get settled before summarily uprooting you and your daughter to go somewhere far away from your own family?

It was a full year before my OH and I even discussed one of us moving, before we were sure that it was what we wanted (we'd visited each other a couple of times by then) and it took another 6 months to decide that I would move here to be with him.

He says he'd love to live in California, but going by what you've said so far, he said that he'd love to go backpacking in Australia but ended up not liking it. What's to say that won't end up hating living in California?

Yes, people uproot their kids all the time and move halfway around the world and make it work. Doesn't mean they're happy. Some are, some aren't and I can't help feeling that you are rushing into it because you are head over heels in love with this man. I cannot advise you strongly enough to take your time, there's no rush.

This is a massive, massive decision to take, it needs thinking about properly, looking into properly. It's not something you just jump into with both feet.

Errata

He may not get a working visa, you may not get any kind of visa. Check out the technicalities before you make any decision. eg is he prepared to buy health insurance cover for you and your child? It won't be cheap and will make a significant dent in his potential wonderful salary.

FattyBettyBoo

he said that he'd love to go backpacking in Australia but ended up not liking it.

He loved Australia and really wanted to stayed but claimed to have an epiphany and loved me more. He'd have ideally moved us to Australia!!!

gingin_2

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He loved Australia and really wanted to stayed but claimed to have an epiphany and loved me more. He'd have ideally moved us to Australia!!!

It would have been much easier to move you to Australia than California!

My figures might be off but we were doing rough calculations on a move to the US for a family of 4 and a good medical package was looking like costing us $1000 a month with no company contributions.

I don't get the impression that you are looking at this realistically.