Help ... could do with some good honest advice

Nimeth

FattyBettyBoo wrote: »

He loved Australia and really wanted to stayed but claimed to have an epiphany and loved me more. He'd have ideally moved us to Australia!!!

Then why didn't he do that then? This is the sort of thing that makes me think that he really doesn't know what he wants and this is why you shouldn't rush into anything. It is easier to move to Australia than it is to the US. The US does not like to let people in, which is why they make you jump through hoop after hoop after hoop and charge you a large pile to do so. I cannot emphasise enough how different living in a new country is to what you might think it's like.

No one is telling you that you shouldn't move to Cali with him at some point if that's what you really want, we're telling you that you should take the time to think about it, to really look into what's involved in doing so, emotionally and financially. You do need to discuss this with your family because a decision like this affects them too and they deserve some to have some input.

I can only reply based on what you've written here, but it does come across as though you are making a decision on a whim based on the fact that you're in love. It also seems a little like he's not taking your feelings and input into account and if that's true, then that's really not fair to put you in the position you're in.

I'm speaking from experience here, there is no rush. Take your time and be fully aware of what you may be getting into. As my mother always told me "if it's meant to be, it'll happen".

MarzipanFish

Puts my moving to a job an hour away from OH problem into perspective


I think you need to find out a bit more about the job & the lifestyle you'd have if you're remotely considering going.
Stuff like...

• Is there a probationary period where he can be got rid of for no given reason at short notice?
• What would happen if he lost his job or if you split up?
• If you aren't working or can't afford it yourself how many times a year would he pay for you & your daughter to fly back to the UK to see your family?
• Are the living costs easily affordable if you can't find work?
• Are there good accessible schools for your daughter nearby?
• What would YOUR life be like while he worked all day?
• Post above makes a good point about health & dental insurance too.

Obviously these issues aren't such a big deal to him as they will be to you since he's used to not being tied to a location.

I think you'd be foolish to move out there immediately. Sounds like a good idea to wait a couple of months then visit then think about moving a few months after that if everything was still good/stable. Lot to think about!

I think you're both expecting rather a lot considering the length of the relationship, especially when a lot of the time wasn't spent together. It seems early to be wanting all your decisions to be joint and (obviously) early to be trying to get you to move away from all your family & friends for him.
I think the youngness of the relationship shows clearly in the intensity and feeling of urgency of moving now rather than waiting 6 months or so.

If she was his would that be any different? People do this all the time (watch Wanted Downunder!!)

In my opinion: No, assuming you were still in the situation of having got together properly recently.

If she was his AND you'd been together bringing her up all her life then yes but then he'd probably be a totally different person: more settled with different priorities - his solo Australia trip wouldn't have been reasonable and he'd be more worried about the practicalities of moving the family rather than just being excited.

He has the life of a person with no dependents/ties which sounds a pretty awesome way to live but it's not really fair to impose that on a child.
If your OH lost his Cali job would he get a less good job to stay in the same place to allow you & your DD stability or would he be jumping on a plane to get a better job elsewhere? He loved Australia, what if he got offered a job there? What if DD & you settled nicely in California and then he wanted to move in a few months? He doesn't seem to have considered making any sacrifices for you guys so far and you should probably talk about the sacrifices he needs to make and the hypothetical future ones like better job offers.


Good luck and try not to rush. You can be in love and still be practical

RadoJo

I don't mean to be harsh here OP, but you already have a child, without benefit of marriage, with someone who turned out to be terribly irresponsible and ditched you while you were pregnant. Now, I'm not saying that couldn't happen to anyone, or that it's your fault, but at the same time you seem to be blithely entering into another commitment with another man and considering taking another huge decision based on nothing more than the fact that you 'feel like you've been together forever'. If nothing else, surely history should teach you that you may be prone to leaping into big decisions with men despite perhaps not being the best judge of character, maybe seeing the best in people and finding it easy to overlook their faults, or having any degree of commitment from them that you are fully intending to spend your lives together and building a family.

I don't want to sound like I'm judging you, or being negative about the choices you have made in the past, (particularly as I am sure you wouldn't be without your daughter, however hard it must have been at the time), but I bet your parents would feel the same about you putting yourself and your daughter's security at risk for such a new relationship having watched the heartbreak you must have been through when you and your ex split. What do they say? You can have no doubt that they will have your best interests and those of your daughter at heart, so if they aren't in favour then that will speak volumes and if they are then you will know that you have their support which will be invaluable!

Pee

How do you really feel about going? It seems like your dad is a big issue, and rightly so as reasoanbly how often would you be able to get back, maybe four times a year? I can understand that not working is very difficult for him and you have come through this period together. Whilst he hasn't asked you too much about what you want, it's clear he has been planning for you too and considered your horse.

Do you think that he is reliable enough to entrust your daughter's future welfare to? That is the question. We can second guess this, but the truth is we don't know him and your posts can't convey all you feel and know about him.

I have to say I take the view that bringing up my child in Wales would be very important to me and bringing up a child in America would be a last resort... I would hate to have a child with an American accent and I think living in lots of places growing up can really mess up how people feel about themselves. Roots and a family structure are important to me.

Judith_W

Sounds amazing oppotunity sounds like it would be a no-brainer if you had only been with him a couple of years. I would have a chat with a few of your closest friends to see what they think about the relationship you have with your OH & what he is like as a person. It could be the best thing you ever did or a nightmare. Don't worry about the dad, you can't hold up your life over it and the grandad would likely understand (if his job is that well-paid I'm sure GD could visit).

Plans_all_plans

You should stay in the UK. This man will not provide the stability your daughter needs. It doesn't matter WHY your DD's dad sees her, at least he has a relationship with her. Likewise, there is no way on God's earth that I'd move to the other side of the world with a man I'd only recently met, leaving my dad bereft for having lost his grand daughter.

You should stay in the UK and look for a man who will make plans WITH you, as opposed to expecting you to go along with what he wants.

ETA: RadoJo, you've hit the nail on the head

FattyBettyBoo

I think deep down I know that I cant do it - I think it would kill my Dad off if I did. But then does that mean I'm stuck in NW for a long time. If OH doesn't take this job, he will want to move on at some point and (and so do I) I dont think my Dad will ever be happy with that. OH suggested that he carries on his Australian adventure as a 6 week trip over next summer holidays, with me and DD going with him. Mentioned this to my Dad and he basically said No (and I;m sure I wasn't even asking permission).

OH is on the phone now to the company having a chat about salary etc. I asked him before "will you be upset if this doesn't work out" e.g. salary or visa. His response was "No, I didn't go looking for this so I have nothing to lose". That to me seems really blase and I'm hoping its just a defence mechanism. I have been making all the right noises so far as I think sometimes with him if you push back he pushes harder. I'm thinking that my short term strategy will be to seem really amicable about the whole thing and hope for whatever reason it doesn't happen. Re visas, he has said that if he wants the job their HR department will sort them out. As he is Canadian he can get a TN visa which allows Canadians to work in the US in certain job categories, which this one falls into. I asked him about what me and DD would do and he said it would be up to their HR to sort it. But what if they can't?? What I am hoping is that they cant so he says "oh well, none of us go". If I say I'm going (whether meaning it or just being agreeable until a final decision is pushed) and it turns out I legally can't, and he goes without me, this would be just about the worse senario possible.

Like many have said, if this opportunity was a year later I probably would know straight away what to do. I wish I could ask him to take the next opportunity but he has already said that if he didn't take this one for the wrong reasons he may live to regret it. I hate that we were right on track and having an amazing time together but have been forced into making big decisions and analysing our relationship so early on. Many of you have agreed with him that its too early for my view of "us against the world' but I had a lot of tough decisions when he moved to Oz and came back and that made me sure of what I wanted.

I am a strong believer in fate and letting things sort themselves out ... but I also get really anxious and impatient and hate waiting things out. I push for answers and often get ones I don't want because of it.

Blue_Monkey

Well if heart isn't totally set on it, why not look for something else in the UK?

I still think that you both ultimately want different things - he wants adventure and foreign climes, and you want family and stability. That doesn't make either you wrong/bad/selfish - sometimes it's just the way the cookie crumbles.

I think a better way to approach things with him is to figure out what you both want longer term. Then you can put things in place in the short/medium term to make that happen.

scooterpig

You really need to think through this properly. I've lived in the US for a year, hubby and I are both British. His company sponsored his visa, as his WIFE (that's important), I was eligible for a dependent's visa. I've had to apply for permission to work out here. It took a year to get it. We're lucky, I know people who've come over on H-visas, which means the wife can't work. I know someone who's engaged, his fiancee could only come out here for 3 months.

Moving to America is a stressful, arduous experience. It's not like the movies. Don't underestimate how difficult it will be. Everything operates differently out here. Things that are everyday annoyances in the UK can be a huge stress over here and really wear you down. People tell you 'I love your accent' EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. (believe me, it becomes old very quickly - you start to feel like an act at the circus). When there's a crisis or emergency, it can be really hard to get the help or info you need. The cost of living is not actually much cheaper here overall. Yes, jeans and petrol are cheap, but decent food, healthcare and insurance are not.

That said, I'm mostly enjoying it for now. But it's not for the faint-hearted, and if you're not married, or entitled to a visa in your own right, it's almost certainly a non-starter.

Tish_P

First - As a side issue here, what's the deal with your dad refusing to "let" a 30 year old woman take her daughter on a long holiday to Australia? OP, stop letting others make decisions for you! Your OH, your dad, and the HR department at your OH's prospective workplace are I'm sure all fine people but you ought to have some input here, yes?

Second - It will take months to get a visa. It will cost hundreds of pounds, and you will probably need to marry and even that might not be enough. You can't guarantee getting one at all. You must discuss with your OH what happens if you are refused, and you'll have to have a long distance relationship at least until visas are sorted, so you might as well take this opportunity to take your foot off the relationship accelerator and really talk about what you each want out of life and the best way to keep your child happy and secure.