Help ... could do with some good honest advice

FattyBettyBoo

Hiya, I really need some good honest advice as I feel like my head is about to explode!

Last night my boyfriend announced that he's been offered a job in California and he wants to take it ...

... some background information. We met last year and started seeing each other in June. We 'dated' then it turned into more of a relationship around October time. He is Canadian and came to Wales (where we are now) for a job, before that he was working in the US. At the end of October he lost his job but was OK due to lots of savings he could live off. In November he started to get frustrated at not working and started exploring his options, deciding soon after that now was the perfect opportunity to backpack round Australia - something he'd always wanted to do but the timing was never right. Between Nov and January our relationship grew stronger despite him planning to leave.

On 24th Jan he left for Australia saying he had no idea if or when he was coming back. He thought he had enough money for a year and that he would need a high paying job after to refill the coffers, and as such would probably look for work in the US or Canada. Two days after he got there he emailed and said he'd changed his mind and would come back on a few months. We emailed & text daily then on 13th May he came back. He moved in with me as he had nowhere else to live and said that he loved me and that's why he came back. He said he doesn't particularly like Wales as there are very few high paying job opportunities here, but would live here to be with me until we could move away together ...

So now a very well paid job in California has come up and he really wants it. He wants me and my 5 year old daughter (with someone else who see's her once a week) to go with him, but cannot say that if I say No/I cant that he will stay. He has not had a salary confirmed yet and so will not make too many decisions at this point. I am at the point of our relationship where I want all our decisions to be joint i.e. if I couldn't go, he wouldn't go, but I dont think he is at that point yet. We had a few big arguments when he first got back due to my insecurities about the possibility of him leaving again!!! Also, he has only been back 3 months and feels its too soon to promise that everything we do will be together.

He has said that I could be a dependent and not work there - that he would earn enough money for both of us!!! This could be the opportunity of a lifetime. And I feel that he is 'the one' and I really want us to be together for the duration ... but ... My dad revolves his whole world around his Granddaughter and it would break his heart if we moved half way around the world. Also I'm not sure if I can even legally take my daughter to live abroad away from her natural father. I also dont know about visas - would we have to be married for me to be on his visa or could I get my own if I wasn't working.

Any opinions (not too harsh) are very welcome ... or even if someone could explain to me what may be obvious.

SavingPennies_2

What if in a few months he want to move on again... I mean he's from Canada, moved to Wales, went to Autralia, wants to go to America now...when will it end, I dont think he has the stability you need as you have a young child...

greenval

I don't think he's very reliable. Something to think about?

scheming_gypsy

To be honest he sounds like a bit of a clown.
He's too happy to bounce around everywhere and didn't seem to bother about you too much when he took off to Oz and not telling you if or when he'd be back. Your daughter has a dad and family and it's not fair to her (or them) to get dragged around because your fella can't sit still.

dirtysexymonkey

so lets be clear you want to deprive your daughter of her father and grandfather for a man youve known for a few months? wow. you want your head looking at!

lurvlyloz

if hes not able to say that he want everything you want then dont do it. let him go. x

Blue_Monkey

He seems to have been pretty up front with you in terms of his plans. But that's the whole point, they are his plans, not both your plans together. I can't see this kind of relationship working I'm sorry to say. You may well be in love with each other, but quite often love alone is not enough. I think you're both pulling, or being pulled (by career/travel opportunities for him, by family commitments/restrictions for you) in different directions which from what you've written seem to be somewhat stronger than your relationship. Best of luck OP, I watched my brother in a similar relationship - they both wanted it to work but both wanted other things just as much, eventually it broke down - for the best I think.

Emmzi

Sadly, I think you have to put your daughter first.

Many mums would kill for a Non resident parent who actively wanted contact.

Her rights come before yours. I know it is tough, but I also think you know the right thing to do.

rachbc

He is making all the decisions here - and hoping you tag along for the ride - surely in a committed relationship the decision is made jointly with the impact on everyone considered....

Tropez

Given the state of the US economy, particularly in California where the recession has hit very hard, is it wise to consider moving half-way around the world to be supported financially by somebody else? And unless they've changed the rules in the past couple of years, to be a dependent of a US worker you have to be planning to get married.

Furthermore, what type of person claims to love somebody but then refuses to promise that they will return from a foreign country until after they have left, effectively leaving their supposed lover at home wondering if they'll ever see each other again?

FattyBettyBoo

didn't seem to bother about you too much when he took off to Oz and not telling you if or when he'd be back.

What if in a few months he want to move on again

These two quotes summarise what most of our arguments were about (me saying exactly that), but we decided that we weren't serious then and that him coming back is a new start. Has has tried really hard to find work here or start a business but where we live in remore and opportunities are few. We had a big talk when he got back and I said then that I would move away with him in the future as there are no long term prospects here for him - I just didn't think it would be so soon or so far. He was head hunted for the job and its a really good one. The way he sees it is that a fantastic job has landed on his lap, in an amazing part of the world and that I had already said I would move away with him. His mum died when he was young and he has no real close family - I think he doesn't quite get what I'd be giving up. I know he is serious in wanting me to go too as he has offered to have my horse taken over too (he is rather froogle so this is quite a gesture)