Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

dalimermaid

Paying off this debt does not alter the reason for the debt. You would be far better giving support to her by getting some help to change her attitude to money. How you use your money is the same as how you use your emotions. Looking at the emotions is the only way to change this behaviour. By taking 4 years to pay it off the lesson is learnt, but other help is needed.
The opposite is true when buying someone what they have always dreamed of (a car, a house, a holiday, a pony). They no longer have a dream.

Collisue

I would suggest that 'Yes' you give her a helping hand but in a way that encourages her to pay off the debt and budget, in future.
So, after she has paid back say, her first £500, you equal that amount. Don't let her think you're always going to match her payments. Vary your donations.
This way you help, show what a nice guy you are and make her responsible, all at the same time.

historygeek

DON'T DO IT!!! I 'helped out' my ex with his finances after he got into trouble with debts, including paying for a new PC so he could complete a computer course to help him get a job (which he used to play computer games on day and night.....:mad:) He promised to pay the money back as soon as he was back on his feet, however once he realised I was stupid enough to support him, he stopped trying. I realised I'd been played for a total mug and ended the relationship several thousand pound worse off. Lesson well and truly learned!

Johnbyte

I wouldn't say no, don't pay off her debts. But before you do: are you sure? The fact that you're seeking opinions suggests not.

If you do, be aware that this relationship may go nowhere and you could be £16,000 poorer with no realistic hope of getting your money back.

hard_slog

NO don't pay off her debts.
I had £20k of debts 3 years ago when I got together with my BF. I bit the bullet and told him then got on a DMP with CCCS. I'm now down to £8k (thanks to Martin, PPI reclaims and the forum) but I've done it all myself. BF helps out with things I really need and can't afford (new washing machine, small things for my house) or the odd treat and I wouldn't want it any other way. When it's all paid off I'll be so proud of myself for dealing with my own financial mess and know that I'll be able to handle my finances carefully & responsibly.

nujec

Obviously I don't know anything about your girlfriend but if you ignore what people have said and pay off her debts anyway:

If she accepts without serious complaint and without wanting to make a serious and concrete plan for paying you back (or hints or asks you for the money in the first place) be very wary indeed. You may be in spoilt child/princess territory and this a warning that you could be heading for a very dysfunctional long term relationship or marriage. You don't want to end up as a surrogate dad rather than a husband. The same consideration would apply whatever the genders, for that matter.

You sound like a very generous and caring person but it would be hard for anyone to give away £16K to a lover without some subconscious expectation that the other person will be grateful - i.e. you're in the dangerous position of buying affection which could ruin your relationship by itself.

Whatever you do, don't live together just to improve her financial situation - wait and see if she makes progress taking responsibility for her finances and how your relationship develops.

You're already doing the best thing for her by helping her restructure and pay back her debts. As loads of people have said, this is a vital lesson for her.

If you're happy giving the money away even if she leaves you tomorrow, match her regular debt repayments and pay for your dates. Just don't expect it to buy you love or commitment.

palomapicasso

Wow you seem so kind and genuine and what you're offering to do is commendable. I am so glad I read your thread as you have restored my faith in people. If only more people were as kind as you we wouldn't have such a big divide of the people who have and the people who don't have. I really think this is something you have to decide to do for yourself. I think for her to tell you how much debt she must either really like you or she doesn't because someone else would have run a mile yet here you are willing to clear her debts..if this amount is chicken feed to you then what's the harm. Why don't you ask her to marry first and see what her answer is?:A

Queen_Latifah

Dump her...
It's clear you each have different views on money and how you manage it. I would steer well clear as this incompatility would cause frictions in the relationship further down the line.

janicec

Have you lost your marbles? Seriously, though, you've made appropriate inroads with helping her to develop a debt management plan. Don't spoil it by rescuing her and paying off her debts or she will never learn. Pretending to be an ostrich is not the best way to hope your money problems will magically disappear. Think with your brain not your dangly bits. :cool:

Worcester40

No, don't pay off her debts as this will not really help her in the long run. Ask her is she would like any help to manage her finances in the future and perhaps treat her occasionally to an evening out or to a weekend away.