Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

lizards

Whilst I would say no as most people have, something not many people have mentioned has been her obligation to you if she did. Assuming she is a lovely decent girl (which she quite probably is if she hasn't asked you to help already) there can't be anything worse than feeling you can't leave someone because of what they did for you. If she did leave you, she'd feel guilty forever. Or even on a smaller level - feeling pressured into doing certain things because you helped her. Even if you never mentioned it again it would be at the back of her mind and tarnish every thought she has in relation to you forever.

Plus the usual stuff about how she needs to learn her way out of debt of course, but that goes without saying.

Twiggy_34

Twiggy_34 wrote: »

No, not after just 8 months, there's no knowing what the future holds at this point. There's no any guarantee you'd see the money again & sometimes it serves better to let a person learn the hard(er) way.

If it were me, I'd pay for a few treats every now and again if she's not going to be able to afford them herself. Maybe the occasional trip to the cinema, or take away etc. That way you're still helping her out, but without making any (risky) long term commitments.

If I were constantly on the receiving end of the acts of generosity I've suggested, I'd probably feel quite guilty for using your cash for such means, but there are loads of ways of making it more palatable. E.g. being the free one on Orange wednesdays, or nabbing the free Domino's pizza on Two for Tuesdays!

Just some additional thought's I've had since posting this - I think the original detail only mentions debt management plans. Have you also addressed area's where she might be able to cut back on expenses as well? E.g. Is she on the cheapest mobile phone plan she could have? Does she need glasses and wear contact lenses as well as the glasses (obviously I don't mean at the same time!). If she does, do any opticians offer cheaper plans/alternatives?

When trying to clear my original debt a few years ago I changed from monthly disposable lenses to daily disposables. The monthly lenses cost me £10 a month, and I often only wore them once a week (if I went out). On the other hand, daily disposables cost me around £10 for 15 pairs (same prescription in each eye which helps), and I only wear them if I'm out for something special so they last me months, if not the year. That's quite a significant saving even taking into account that I now have to pay £20 now for my contact lens checks which were free on the other plan.

Has she considered having a money making clearout - selling old unwanted items and/or clothes at a car boot or on ebay so that she can bung some extra cash at the debt, or maybe even stash it away for that inevitable rainy?

k.beale

If you pay now and the relationship doesn't work in the longer term, then it could be classed as paying for very expensive services. These could be domesticated duties, escorting duties or even sexual duties. She may be selling herself which could at the very worst amount to prostitution.

Jillyboos

Definitely not, how does that enable her to change her spending habit and how soon before she will be spending your money as well as her own.

Her debts, her problem. You will feel so stupid when she takes the money and run.

burntfingers_2

I am in a similar situation myself and whilst I know it will take a number of years to repay my debt and will have a knock on effect on the relationship as we will be limited as to what we can do and when we can do it due to MY financial constraints. My OH has never offered to help me pay off the debts as they were from a previous relationship although we are looking at spending the rest of our lives together and has said that we are in this together.

I would say that if you live together then maybe taking over a bigger share of the household bills would help her to clear the debt much sooner, that way you keep your savings, she keeps her independance and if the relationship does go from strength to strength in the future and you become husband and wife then so be it. This will be a good foundation to build your marriage on.

Besides you will have helped her just by being there and helping her to sort out the bills etc....:) knowing she has your support will mean a lot to her.

cinderfella

One thing you will learn about women is that they always take money like a black hole sucks in matter never to be seen again.
You always tell a girlfriend that you are stoney broke even if you have loads stashed.
I was talking to an old female friend earlier this week. She said her son had once taken up with a girlfriend. At the beginning of the relationship he had £15000 & at the end of the relationship he was in debt by £12000.
Now are you going to ask me that question again ???

primo123

I was in the same position 7 years ago. In my case I helped her to face up the problem i.e. actually opening the mail and then phone the creditors.

In the majority of cases creditors were happy to get a response back, interest on the debts were stopped and affordable repayments were set up, in some cases these were £1 a month in others about £20. The amount she repaid was what she could afford so she still had sufficent for other living costs.

After two years of her making these small repayments I was happy that our relationship was secure I then took out a loan (for obvious reasons she couldn't get one) to repay all her debts, in most cases full and final payments were less than the actual debt (however much of the debt was through interest/charges due to ignoring repayments). She then set up a standing order to cover the loan repayments. The loan was paid off last month.

TLDR: Give her emotional support and financial advice now; in a year or two if the relationship is sound and she's a decent person then loan her the cash so she repays less (3rd parties are likely to accept lower full and final repayments) and can begin to build her credit rating back up.

loisrose

EASY PEEZY!

ASK her if she wants to BORROW the money from you INTEREST FREE.

This way she will seriously reduce the cost of the debt and the length she would be paying it over. Get a written bond that covers how much you have lent her and when you expect it back.
She might not even have to pay you back in cash... She could be the one who fills your car up / pays for your weekly shop.

Personally though, anyone in that mess is probably worth steering well clear of!

Ebenezer_Screwj

It depends whether you allow your heart to rule your head. I would understate your financial position and see where this relationship is going - if anywhere.

VoucherMan

loisrose wrote: »

EASY PEEZY!

ASK her if she wants to BORROW the money from you INTEREST FREE.

This way she will seriously reduce the cost of the debt and the length she would be paying it over. Get a written bond that covers how much you have lent her and when you expect it back.
She might not even have to pay you back in cash... She could be the one who fills your car up / pays for your weekly shop.

Personally though, anyone in that mess is probably worth steering well clear of!

Pretty much what I was thinking.

Personally I'd say no.

But if you're determined to pay off the debts then lend her the money interest free. I would suggest a fixed monthly monthly repayment though, with the option to pay more, but not less.