Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

mr-tom_2

It is difficult when you face the means to remove somebody's short (or medium) term pain, not to do it; but that pain is there for a reason.

Unless she faces the debts (the consequences of her actions) herself, she will never learn the important (and very tough) lessons that come from doing so, and it does sound as if she needs to.

I think that it would be easy to make the payment, and it would feel good for both of you, but if you love her and want what is best for her, you should look at what is best for her long term. Help, guide, support, but don't bail her out. If she has learned her lessons, then she won't want you to bail her out - she'll want to do it herself.

However, that's advice given based on a one sentence moral dilemma. If you feel the need to do something - some sort of gesture, then consider matching her £ for £ in her repayments or something like that.

diversrock

You should help in a way that benefits you as well, like any joint things you do. Also if you maybe help her find a higher paying job?

EccentricRavenJewellery

Don't re-pay her debts. Really, really don't.
8 months isn't even enough time to know how this girl likes her coffee, never mind how she ran up such a big debt in the first place.
You're being brilliant with all the practical help and support you're giving her, and if you wanted to do more you might want to help her find some counselling.
If she ran up her debt spending lots on makeup, clothes, etc, she could have some self-esteem issues. She can get professional help and all the love and encouragement you're giving her now will help too.
If you pay off the debt for her, you could damage that trusting loving relationship you have.
She will either always feel in your debt (morally, not necessarily financially), which won't help her or your relationship at all. Or (and I hate to say this, because she's obviously someone you care a lot about- but I have to make the point objectively) she could just be freeloading.
I think the idea someone suggested about helping her out once she's cleared half of her debts is a good one- but I'd wait til it was 2/3 or 3/4. You may have your own opinion on the proportions.
Best of luck.

MadMom

She got in to the mess, let her grow up and sort it out herself. You say she earns a modest income and that she'll have very little spending money for the next 4 years. Well Boo Hoo to that. With £16k worth of debt she should have enough stuff in her cupboards etc that she can feel the pinch for the next few years while she does the ADULT thing and takes responsibility for her actions.

schnide

:eek:

I've been in the same situation as you have. Fortunately, I didn't do it. Her debts are exactly that. Her money is for her debts. Your money is for you. Be sure that you aren't using money to compensate for anything else. Once you have, sense should prevail.

Good luck mate.

ps if she's even remotely self respecting, she wouldn't take the money from you anyway. If she would, that's a warning sign that you shouldn't give it to her in the first place.

Jemima18

It may feel like a wonderful thing to do for someone you obviously feel strongly about, but it won't do her any good in the long term. (speaking as someone who got herself into masses of debt at Uni and in the years afterwards). I have had to work 3 jobs at times to get a grip on my debt, but I have learnt such valuable lessons about managing money and living on a budget and planning my expenditure that I would not have gained if someone had swept in and rescued me. I'd probably still be up to my ears in debt (rather than just up to my ankles which is where I am now!) Support her in other ways, as many others have suggested, but empower her to get herself out of the mess that she has got herself into. Good luck.

Julia4J

Contrary to the majority of the other posts, I would say: "Yes". However there would be one major proviso and that would be to give it without any expectations at all. That is none, nada, niet. Then I would encourage her to go to a debt counsellor - there are plenty of charities out there who advise at no charge. And I would help her to make a budget and stick to it. BUT you need to be prepared for her to leave you the instant you have bailed her out. If you can manage to do that, then you have the comfort of knowing that you are one heck of a brilliant bloke. NOT a fool but a lovely, caring, sharing bloke.:T

madanna

If she's that badly in debt now - she'll always handle money badly. Don't settle her debts - just help her find soloutions. Support is great; but giving away your hard earned cash is a different story. £16k is a deposit for a house. if she was more sensible she'd already be paying off a mortgage not increasing and ignorning problems. sorry.

Carlsberg

Based on my experience, I would say think very carefully, but dont listen to everyone on here. Only you can know your personal circustances and what your relationship is like.

When I met my husband, before we had even got together, he admitted his debt (18K roughly) and asked that when we got together, I took over all his finances. This did not mean paying off his debt, but helping him sort the mess out as he is the 1st to admit, he thinks money grows on trees.

We have lived together since the night we officially became a couple as he moved into a mates and I never left.

A month into our relationship, we were inseperable.

My DHs friend decided he wasnt keeping the house, and so, we were faced with finding somewhere else to live. I could go home to my parents, which is where I was really based after selling my home from a break up, but DH didnt have that option, and so, the idea of him renting somewhere came up.

I am deadly against rent, but didnt dare suggest we bought somewhere. Anyway, finally, in the bath, DH dared suggest it, to mu relief. No sooner has he suggested it, than we found somewhere perfect, put in an offer and moved in with my parents while the contracts exchanged. We moved in 4 months after getting together. As well as the mortgage, we borrowed extra to pay off all of DH debts. This is not something I agreed to lightly, but worked for us.

Since the day we got together, DH has had to ask me for money, doesnt deal with any bills, has no cradit cards etc, and it works for us. He never goes without anything, and yes, with my help, he is finally learning the value of money. This is the 1st house he has owned at mid 30s and im glad to say that other than our home, we have no debt.

So I agreed to take on this debt after 4 months of being together, and we will be celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary next week!

:T

JayD

Hi, you have a good heart and I can understand that you would feel maybe you should help your girlfriend out in this generous way. However, I don't think it would be wise for either your relationship or her self esteem. It would give her an incredible sense of obligation and it would tilt the balance in your relationship in an unhealthy way. It could even prove to be quite destructive.

Why not offer to make additional monthly payments against the worst of her creditors - the one charging the most interest - so that she achieves financial independence sooner than the 4 years predicted? Perhaps £50 per month?

That way, she is burdened with a huge £16,000 sense of obligation to you and will feel that you are both working together to clear her backlog of debts. Of course, you can also treat her to the odd things that she needs - turning up with a bag of groceries that you know she uses, buying her new clothes sometimes and treating her to those things she likes but cannot afford. In short, be a caring, loving boyfriend rather than a benevolent benefactor. I think you will both be happier and will respect each other far more that way.