Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

awehla

No, you should help her overcome her debts herself. You haven't been together a long time and she won't learn anything if you just magic the debt away for her. Plus she might feel guilty and feel like she should stay with you just for the money and you might always be wondering did she only stay with me for the money. Best thing you can do is be there to support her and be understanding when she can't go out because she has to save money. Maybe some of your attitude to money will rub off on her and her life will improve because of it.

bfountaine

I am extremely good at getting into debt, and my husband, like you lived quite happily without it before he met me. In my humble opinion, if you pay off her debt, you're not helping her learn how to manage her money. By all means, work with her to sort it out, maybe offer her a loan if you want (legally drawn up contract), so she's only got one payment, but sadly some of us (like me) have to learn through pain how to manage our money. Look at it this way, if you can help her change her attitude to money and debt, you're helping her for the rest of her life, not just enabling her debt problem for the short term. And she'll feel very proud of herself to have sorted it out herself in the end....

danismell

You are already providing the type of help that she really needs, good advice and a stabilising influence.

If you bail her out of her money troubles then she'll never really understand the gravity of her out of control spending/lack of budgeting.

Just be there to support her, not to throw your hard earned money into her pit of debt.

bloomsberg78

No, no and a 1000 times no.

It's a great thought. But I've kind of been in a similar situation to yours. My GF at the time (now wife), started to reveal to me she had some credit cards, then some store cards and then some loans and then more loans. Eventually I think we calculated it to be £40k+. She was only earning £11k and at the time living with her mum!

My recommendation at the time was that bankruptcy (and supported by CCCS) was the best solution (she had no real asset, loads of debt and a small income). I am not suggesting this solution for you GF btw!

But the parallel here is - the bankruptcy wiped her debt clean (the same as if you pay off your GFs debt). And BR is a tougher experience than just getting the debt paid off.

So, Great! - all that debt gone, I thought. She can now get up and get on with the rest of her life and be happy. My thoughts were, there is no way she is going to return to that and I initially helped her with a budget and we moved in together and then got married.

So we had a baby, and figured out for her to be off work for 9 months (v the then statutory 6 months) and I worked out we could afford it.

At the time of the wedding, we agreed to keep it low key and on a small budget. What I didn't realize (and I won't go into the full detail here), is that she told me that her family had paid for chunks of the wedding so we could get better than we had budgeted for (the car, Wedding dress, cake, etc)

It turned out, that in the meantime LTSB who she moved to as a basic account when she was made bankrupt started to give her debit cards, then overdrafts, then credit cards and then a loan!!! (Despite been made BR 18 montsh earlier).

She had actually paid for most of the wedding stuff herself and run up a huge debt again, her family hadn't helped with the wedding at all (I understand is that they said they would pay and then didn't or couldn't)

So she was in the same hole again, had to reduce her maternity leave and go back to work early. Now, over 3 years on, its all sorted and she has some savings. Her money was managed by us budgeting and then drawing in out her spending money for the month. Once it was gone, it was gone.

Recently her latest bank (nationwide) decided without asking to upgrade her to a debit card from a basic account and I noticed lots of stuff arriving by post. I have finally got underneath it again and I have just caught it in time, she was starting to slide into debt. I had to loan her £200 to keep her from starting to go overdrawn. We are now back to her living in cash. It is the only way that works for her.


The moral of this long winded story is...

• Be very careful with your money

• Help support her with budgeting and get a plan together and encourage her to get in touch with the CCCS if she has any difficulties

• Get her to show you that she can pay down this debt

• Are you absolutely confident, there is no other debts lurking anyway?

• Some people (not saying this applies to your GF) for whatever reason just can't live within their means, despite having had horrendous financial experiences. They just make the same mistakes again and again.

• Until you are sure that she can manage her finances, don't even think about getting financially linked to her. I.e don't open a joint bank account. My wife and I are not financially linked for obvious reasons. You can be a couple but have separate finances.
• Without knowing her better, you have every risk of paying this off and her doing this again (and again)
• I have seen this situation with parents and children a bit. Child runs up debt, parent bails them out. Child thinks "this is easy" and does it again.

Birdy12

No.

Birdy

I_Love_Shoes

if you want to help her, try and set up a deal with her (make sure its all in writing to cover your back) where if she pays back x amount, you will pay a certain percentage towards it, so if she can put back £400 a month, you'll add an extra £100 to help her. that way she wont be getting out easy and will hopfully learn the value of money!

linzi1970

no don't do it, your money is hard earned, don't pay for someone elses silliness

JanetLG

How do you know that she's not just staying with you *until* you pay off her debts? You can't be sure, can you? People in debt do sneaky things....

Been on the receiving end of someone with debts. Not likely to do it again!

milvusvestal

Love make conquer most things, but saddling yourself with someone else's debts is not the right way to blossom any relationship. You may well be financially secure for now, but what if you pay off her debts, then lose your job? Is she likely to remain with you, or will she go looking for another sugar-daddy?

Be on your guard. By all means, give her every encouragement to cut her spending habits, and manage better her repayments, but don't give her one penny. She has to accept that her situation is one that she, and she alone, is responsible for - something she can forget if you both tie the knot, as you'll then be responsible for everything.

[Deleted User]

nooo no no no no! sorry but she has to learn from her mistakes and if you've only been together for 8 months i don't think it's safe for you to do it. Also if you do, you can both use it against each other in arguments and it will happen eventually if you do this. what would be nice is if you go out together that you pay, as you'd still be helping her out but not in such a drastic way.