Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

fracturedsun

FWIW I don't think it's a good idea at this stage. It's a painful lesson but it is useful to learn how to manage your debts and pay back what you owe. So it is probably more helpful to do what you are already doing and help her plan and budget. Lending people money, whether partner or family member can often lead to feelings of resentment on both sides. If you really like her why risk this?

Having said that if she has any particular priority debt that she can't pay on time (e.g. council tax) then you might consider helping her meet that particular payment.

On the other hand there's nothing to stop you from treating her to cinema, restaurants etc so that she can concentrate on clearing her debts but still have fun.

alandm

In one word NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO !!

I had a similar situation a few years ago, helped my then girlfriend to sort out and pay off debts and cancel credit cards. BUT... what I didn't know was that she then took out new ones (without telling me) and ran up even more debts.

Valor

I had a similar dilema, (details were 9 months, and about £4k) - I offered to help her out with the debts but she refused. Instead we worked out a full budget, calculated how much she could afford to pay off each month, and put the plan into action.

Whilst she is paying the debt off I help with treats, meals out, cinema trips etc disproportionatly, and encouragement.

Next month she will be debt free and is very excited about saving for our wedding! - If I'd paid up front, I'd have been taking on her financial risk and depriving her of this victory over her past poor decisions.

We are stronger now because she didn't take the easy option.

Best of luck.

Val.

LoobyGuru

I'm going to disagree with pretty much everyone here - my now-husband paid off some of my debts when we'd only been together for a few months and it changed my life.

After coming out of uni in debt, I had my heart set on a career that would do some good for the world, but which would never earn me a lot of money. I sank further into debt over several years, up to the point your girlfriend is in now. I lived in a grotty flat in a 'bad' neighbourhood, and every time the doorbell rang I thought it was the bailliffs. I didn't open the post as I knew what was in there but simply had no way of getting out of the situation without selling out on my dreams. My life was miserable, I was deeply ashamed, and I didn't know where to turn.

Then I met the man who is now my husband. Over some months he realised what trouble I was in, although I never told him he figured it out. Despite my shame he insisted we work this out together, so sat me down and opened all my post with me. Together we prioritised them and he helped me to make a plan. He paid off £2,000 of my debts, enough so that I could start tackling the more manageable bills each month and face opening the mail each day. He could have paid off more, but this way I felt I could do some of the work myself.

Although this made me feel very awkward (and it will your girlfriend too), it meant I was able to commit to my career which has since flourished - while I still work in the charitable sector I have gained experience so now earn a sensible salary. He gave me a leg-up so I could start climbing out of the pit myself. And when I was happier, I was a better person for him to be around...

We've now been married for four years and have our first baby on the way, live in a nice house, and have never had any debt problems since. Believe me, a few years living with that cloud over your head is enough to make you look after your money.

DO make sure that you take a good look at your girlfriend and her situation - is she likely to squander any money you offer? Perhaps a plan like ours where you clear the most pressing debts and help her to plan how to tackle the rest would be most beneficial to both of you, so you don't lose too much money if things don't work out and she hangs on to some sense of pride. It may well make both of you happier.

Good luck.

lengloi

No don't pay off her debt. She spent it so she has to pay it off. You have already helped her with debt management, she is in a much better position than before she met you. She just need to live like a pauper for 4 years as she has lived a high life previously.

If you pay off her debt, she will never learn and you sound like you will not even ask her for the money back if you break up.

At the end of the day, money is better in your pocket than in others.

sarahspence91

As a girl, i'd never expect anyone but myself to get me out of that much debt. She got herself in, she can get herself out. Maybe just take her our for the occasional meal or buy her some shoes now and again to cheer her up.

bex0309

I instantly said no but then I thought back to my own circumstances.

When me and my boyfriend first moved in together, after being together 18 months he loaned me £600 and after a few months he just wrote it off and said it was a gift.

Now this isn't £16k but it really helped me out when I was still a student. When we both got FT jobs after university I was significantly earning more than him and this act of generosity really helped me get over whether money was his or mine - everything we earn is ours.

Now, 7 years later and I still earn significantly more and I am happy to pool our funds and we are getting married in November

Saying that, I didn't have any kind of debt problem and certainly never buried my head in the sand. I actually think the advice and support you provide is worth more than just paying off the debt.

Perhaps if she is having problems with minimum payments you could help with a small amount as a loan and then if later you are still together and she starts to overcome the problem you write it off as a gift.

I hope it all works out for you both.

purplepegasus25

I have to say while you sound lovely for considering to help her out, esp after only 8 months, that your girl friend is possibly getting a lot of abuse on here which she may not deserve. You say you're thinking about whether or not to pay her debt off but have you even mentioned that idea to her?

Having spent more than 4 years digging myself out of more than £16,000 of debt even if anyone had offered to pay if off for me i wouldn't have taken accepted the offer. I really value having repaid all the money myself without letting anyone do it for me or trying to cheat the system and not pay if back at all (like some friends suggested).

If you're thinking of staying with her long term yes her financial situation will affect you too but as others have mentioned maybe you can take her out on treats occassionally maybe as far as a not too expensive holiday if you want to go away with her and she wouldnt be able to do so otherwise but i wouldnt pay it back for her. It's her actions which have put her in the situation she's in now and the only way she's going to learn for the future is the hard way but then she will value it and be able to live the rest of her life without getting into the same problems. Your emotional support and understanding is worth much more to her than the moneyt would be.

My dad bailed out his girlfriend (now wife) several times before they were even living together and she hasn't learnt at all; after clearing her credit cards (using a loan secured on his car he's paid for in cash from selling his house) so they could remortgage her house she just racked them back up again and the only reason she cant do it again now is they've been declared bankrupt!

truebeliever

Your intentions are admirable but unwise in the circumstances. Your girlfriend will not lear the lessons of good monet managment by you paying off her debts. In my experience she may well be tempted to do it again if it is that easy to pass the debt on to someone who will take responsibility for paying it.

Perhaps a plan could be worked out where you help her out with a regular small contribution to her budget, on the understanding that she makes the effort to pay off a an agreed amount per month.

8 months isn't long and even in a very much longer term commited relationship, we would be very unwise to pay off such a large debt.

MultiCat

Don't do it. Even if you had been going out for years.

I'm in the same situation; I'm in quite a bit of debt and my partner would love to pay off my debts for me. But saying that, if he ever did I would feel morally indebted to him.

Point is, this is something she needs to sort out on her own. Please keep helping her with the post and debt management plan, as that's the hardest part for most of us.