Real life MMD: Should I pay off her debts?

Marty999

I was once in a similar situation, I lent an old girlfriend several thousand pounds because she was 'The One'. When we split up, boy was I glad she insisted on us getting a legal document drawn up at the time of me lending her the money, or else I would not have had a penny back. Good luck pal!

Iris_Cannings

I have some family experience of the problem that is troubling you, and also worked for the Citizens Advice Bureau for almost 20 years, latterly in Money Advice.

You are taking exactly the right course in helping your friend with debt management and she is lucky to have your support.

Please don't pay off her debt, though. If you do, she won't have learnt anything and with you around to get her out of trouble, she'll likely continue her extravagant life style. She'll promise to pay you back, and will probably mean it, but I doubt you'll ever get more than a few hundred pounds repaid.

You sound like a hard working and responsible young man and will need all you can save for a deposit on a house or whatever else you want to do with your money, and if you hand over as much as £16,000., it will soon sour your relationship with her and one day you will come to regret it deeply.

You say you like her a lot, but don't mention "love". Of course, it's none of my business, but I think you should ask yourself whether she is the right girl for you and whether she would make you a trustworthy, responsible and supportive wife/partner in the future.

By all means give her £1,000, say, if this will ease her stress and your conscience a little, but no more. If you can't cope with the situation, take her to the C.A.B. for their help - and best wishes from someone who is probably old enough to be your grandmother!

swimsink

I'd say no because as well as the fact you've been together only 8 months she will NOT learn for her mistakes if someone just bails her out every time.
Although its very nice you were even considering it, she's a lucky lady

deeedwards3

I know you want to help and support your girlfriend but I would in this case not intervene, Your girfriend should set up a debt repayment plan with an organisation such as Payplan, this is a voluntary service that assists people in paying off all their debts in 5 years.

Paying off your girlfriend's debts will only delay in her taking responsibility. She has to be willing to make changes and adopt new behaviour.

You can support her by presenting her with information and reassuring her that this is the way forward. Plus a little treat now and then wouldnt go amiss when you can see that she is in fact taken responsibility and is reducing her debt. :beer:

johnfwoods

You should realise that there are many classes of people in the world, i.e. those who work hard and those that take the credit for the hard work when their team has done the work; those who understand money and those who don't. Well your girlfriend is on the opposite side to you and will probably remain there all her life. Throw her a line now and you will have that line in your hand for the rest of your relationship. I knew such a person and it took me over 20 years to get rid of that line. It started with repairs to her car, then it went to buying her another car, then it went to paying for the petrol. Believe me, at every stage I was resolved to stop this but what can you do when you realise that you are dealing with a child. Whatever you do, avoid having a joint credit card or bank account with her. That is the greatest mistake I made.

happyinflorida

What are your plans with this girl - are you thinking marriage? If yes, then paying off her debts will help your joint applications for mortgages etc in the future as if she's on a debt repayment scheme that's going to show her as being overdue with payments, etc for many, many years.
If she becomes debt free through your help you will need to discuss with her first on what she plans to do with her spare income & monitor her spending for some time to ensure she doesn't go back to her old ways! Hopefully she'll learn from this and become far wiser with her spending but make sure you don't get too involved before you see proof of this first. To live with someone who regularly overspends means that you may end up in enormous debt - so discuss things with her and make sure she is aware that she's made a mistake previously and not to do this again. It is very important to sort this out as money can split a couple up.

Kevin_Mullen

It would be magnanimous of you to clear her debts through your income but it would be only realistic if your relationship was on a permanent footing.If you are well paid and have a good income it probably did not happen without some sacrifice on your part.I would recommend sitting down with her to work out a strategy to clear her debts --seeking work out a plan of income and outgoings, helping her make ends meet with her living costs once she has started to clear her debts ,and may be struggling a bit .To pay off her debts would remove the educational aspect of the process and learn how to avoid this again, and learn that excess, if that is the reason, often leads to periods of penury .Would she respect you for jumping in and bailing her out ,possibly no.When I wanted something I saved up for it to buy it outright or place a substantial deposit and pay off the rest within the scope of my income

joe1962_2

You should avoid becoming a financial crutch for your girlfriend should you marry then that's different. If you feel really that you must help her with priority debts that might leave her homeless. You sound like you have helped in lots of ways but she spent the money she should deal with the consequences. It also would not be good for your relationship for her to be financially dependant on you or only stay with you because she owes you money

shikor

I read that eveybody advise is to do not pay your girlfriend debt. The argument some made is that 8 month dating is not a long time; therefore you can't trust her. For some they also suggest that she will not learn. I believe every body is different and people change all the times. I am a type of person if I am in aposition to help I will do it without duelling if I will get something in return or not and I have done it many times. My advise is that you need to reflect on why you ask the question in the first place. When you find the answer you can act either way. And you can also discuss with her what kind of help she want/needs from you, she might not want you to pay her debt.

Flat_Eric

I have followed this MMD with interest and have finally read all the replies.

We are not told the age of the girlfriend, nor how she has run up these debts - whether its the financial hangover of university, a new car or simply too much spent on make up and clothes.

I ran up debt on my credit card in my early twenties. I would effectively spend my salary twice. I took out a loan to pay off the credit card debt only to spend just as much on the credit cards again and thus I found myself in a worse position. My (now fiance) paid the credit card debt off for me - it was around £3,000.00 but I was still left with the loan and I begrudged paying it back but it wasn't like I could go along to the Halifax and say, sorry, I'm bored of paying you back every month, so if you don't mind I'll keep my money to myself and well lets forget you ever loaned me that money ....

Fast forward several years and although I'm better with my money than I was, I'm still not brilliant. I have no savings and I still buy stuff whether I can afford it or not and rather than wait till payday if I want something, the overdraft or credit card takes the hit.

The point I'm trying to make is that if you pay off her debt, she will have no appreciation of the consequences of her spending habits and will more than likely run up the same amount of debt again, if not more.

The sensible course would be for you to sit down and explore why she has got into debt in the first place. What is it that makes her spend ? Help her to work out how best to pay back the debt. Help her work out a budget. Point out that burying her head in the sand and not opening the post is only going to make the situation worse. BUT don't pay off the debt for her. She ran it up, she should be responsible for paying it back. I do agree that as she reduces the debt, you could agree to top up so that the debt gets paid back quicker but the debt is her sole responsibility, not yours.