Pregnant as a result of rape

HariboJunkie

ceridwen wrote: »

BUT.....I do understand where you are coming from in saying that she could deal with this by having the child adopted at birth BUT BUT BUT...how do you expect the poor woman to deal with having to carry an obscene growth round in her body for 9 months (because...believe me...in the circumstances...it will NOT be a foetus...it WILL likely be an obscene growth in her book) and to boot her body will have been put through pregnancy and childbirth for nothing. It is understandable that a woman who actually wants a child will be prepared to accept the (often permanent) damage to her body that results from pregnancy and childbirth - but why on earth should a woman who DIDNT want this have to put up with that have to go through childbirth and take the risk of permanent damage to her health/looks because of something like a rape? Childbirth and risk of permanent damage is one thing for a wanted/planned child but a totally different kettle of fish in these circumstances.

A couple of points on this.....if she does decide to keep the baby I doubt very much she would view it as an "obscene growth" . Maybe she would. But I am sure you cannot say that for certain.
She also states that she does want to have children and under normal circumstances wouldn't consider a termination so I'm sure she is unconcerned about "the risk of permanent damage to her health/looks ", just like the millions of women who give birth every day with more thought to the health of their baby than their vanity.

I would never want to influence your decision either way OP but I do think that it would be very difficult for you to hate your own child for the sins of the father. A mother's love is usually a very all encompassing force. I suffered a traumatic event connected to my pregnancy (not rape or anything like it) but have never looked at my children and been reminded of it. I look at them and love them. Very simply. Obviously the other poster above has a different experience of the way she felt about her child conceived in rape but I hope that that is a rare reaction borne out of a terrible trauma.

If you do decide to proceed with the pregnancy, the most important thing you can do is to seek counselling to help you live with what has happened to you. I hope you have had some comfort from your meeting this evening and I wish you all the very best of luck in whatever you choose to do. xxx

lolseh

ceridwen wrote: »

BUT.....I do understand where you are coming from in saying that she could deal with this by having the child adopted at birth BUT BUT BUT...how do you expect the poor woman to deal with having to carry an obscene growth round in her body for 9 months (because...believe me...in the circumstances...it will NOT be a foetus...it WILL likely be an obscene growth in her book) and to boot her body will have been put through pregnancy and childbirth for nothing. It is understandable that a woman who actually wants a child will be prepared to accept the (often permanent) damage to her body that results from pregnancy and childbirth - but why on earth should a woman who DIDNT want this have to put up with that have to go through childbirth and take the risk of permanent damage to her health/looks because of something like a rape? Going through childbirth and taking the risk of permanent damage is one thing for a wanted/planned child but a totally different kettle of fish in these circumstances.

She shouldn't have to put up with it if she feels she can't cope with it. If she feels she can carry a child for 9 months for someone else then fair enough but also it's fair enough if she decides she doesnt want to do that. I just think in this situation you can ask what people think but all it could do is confuse you more and make things even harder. It is 'nice' to see how things turned out for others but it can just blur things even more.. I do think it's good the OP has felt they can open up about this though and will get them one step closer to deciding what is best for them

balletshoes

inthesameboat wrote: »

However, your post reads that a woman in this situation should not even consider a termination and this is wrong. There is no 'child' as such yet and this is what women in this situation need to have explained to them, not the emotional 'you are destroying a life' kind of stuff I was fed and your post does read the same and thatis totally unfair. When you are never given a chance to prevent it then you should not even be fed stuff like 'it's a life' because that is emotional blackmail. This is why these options are open to us as women, she we can have a choice and can terminate with a couple of pills so early on.

I really didn't read Tory Quine's post in that way at all, and I'm most definitely on the pro-choice side of the fence on this subject.
Also, if the OP is already more than 9 weeks pregnant, depending on the area, she may not be offered pills to terminate her pregnancy, it will be surgical.

OP all the best to you, its a horrendous situation you've found yourself in, none of this is your fault, and I hope the counselling has helped this evening.

ceridwen

Torry_Quine wrote: »

With adoption though you don't have to worry that the child would come looking without your permission so if you never wanted any contact that would be your choice.

You are presuming understandably due to your circumstances that a woman in this situation would have her life ruined but that is by no means guaranteed.

My understanding is that children can (and some will) come looking for the biological parent once they reach 18.

Fancy having that hanging over ones head all that time...

It is entirely understandable as to why someone would want to seek out a biological parent - and chances are that they would have some fantasy in their head about "My mum must have really wanted me - but was forced to give me away". Welll....ermmm...no actually....probably not in this day and age. It might well have applied to a previous era - but its not that likely to be honest in this day and age. But biological children cannot be blamed for wondering and seeking - and then what happens in these circumstances?

I AM curious as to why the impression is coming over that you dont think its any big deal for a woman to be put through having an unwanted child in such circumstances though???? Is there a reason as to why it feels like you think its no big deal?

peachyprice

Torry_Quine wrote: »

With adoption though you don't have to worry that the child would come looking without your permission so if you never wanted any contact that would be your choice.

It isn't just about the child though. It's about a woman having a disgusting growth in her body for 9 months that was put there against her wishes and having to go through the trauma of giving birth to it, even if the child is given up for adoption her body will NEVER be the same after childbirth and will still be a constant reminder of the most distressing time of her life.

Why would any woman willingly put herself through that just to give the thing up for adoption?

TBH, unless someone has been there they cannot possibly understand what it is like to have your body taken over by the product of your rapist, it's like a cancer.

charlishae

Im so sorry youre going through this, I was raped when I was 15 so I can kinda understand what you are going through. I didnt get pregnant thankfully but if I did then I would have to have an abortion in this situation even though Im usually anti abortion and would love a child. For me its just the thought that this child will have to live a life without a loving dad and knowing that they were the product of a rape, that makes me favour abortion as I would not want a child to live like that.

You are only 22 and have the next 20 or so years to have children with a man in a loving relationship.
xx

Torry_Quine

ceridwen wrote: »

My understanding is that children can (and some will) come looking for the biological parent once they reach 18.

Fancy having that hanging over ones head all that time...

It is entirely understandable as to why someone would want to seek out a biological parent - and chances are that they would have some fantasy in their head about "My mum must have really wanted me - but was forced to give me away". Welll....ermmm...no actually....probably not in this day and age. It might well have applied to a previous era - but its not that likely to be honest in this day and age. But biological children cannot be blamed for wondering and seeking - and then what happens in these circumstances?

I AM curious as to why the impression is coming over that you dont think its any big deal for a woman to be put through having an unwanted child in such circumstances though???? Is there a reason as to why it feels like you think its no big deal?

They can contact the adoption agency and ask for details but if the mother wants no contact the child will not be given any information as to where or how to contact them. Yes they may well be curious but that curiosity may not be satisfied.

Where did I say I didn't think it was a big deal for a woman to have a child and then hand them over for adoption? Whatever happens is a big deal and will need careful help and support.

Torry_Quine

peachyprice wrote: »

It isn't just about the child though. It's about a woman having a disgusting growth in her body for 9 months that was put there against her wishes and having to go through the trauma of giving birth to it, even if the child is given up for adoption her body will NEVER be the same after childbirth and will still be a constant reminder of the most distressing time of her life.

Why would any woman willingly put herself through that just to give the thing up for adoption?

TBH, unless someone has been there they cannot possibly understand what it is like to have your body taken over by the product of your rapist, it's like a cancer.

I really don't think that describing a child with such terms is in any way helpful. It is not a cancer or a thing but however unwanted a child. The women has of course not willingly put herself through this whatever she may decide.

balletshoes

my own personal view of adoption, is that with all the information available online etc these days, even if the mother said to the adoption agency that she did not want any contact with the child in the future, the child could find out anyway. I really wouldn't trust that, if I gave a child up for adoption and wanted no contact in future, that would necessarily happen.

Why_oh_why

'Think of number one' only you know what is right for you.

Hoping that you have all of the support and love that you want.