Pregnant as a result of rape

ceridwen

Torry_Quine wrote: »

All I will say is that having a termination and removing all reminders of the event are not necessarily the same.

Okay - thats a given - and I know that better than many....

BUT it would remove the biggest reminder of the lot of that event. The last thing the poor woman needs is an absolutely constant reminder of this right in her face for the rest of her life. At least - if thats dealt with - then she will be able to "forget" about it for the majority of her time and get on with a "life as normal". With an unwanted child there constantly right in her face as a constant reminder of this - then she would never be able to forget about it for one minute....

So - I vote for "give her a break - and let her at least have most of her thoughts for the rest of her life devoted to life as normal - and not some in-her-face constant reminder...which is what a resultant pregnancy would mean if carried through".

lolseh

inthesameboat wrote: »

I actually find it quite insulting that people say 'it's not the childs fault' - it's not the womans fault at all and she never had the chance to say 'no'. Why should there even be a discussion on 'the child'? Why should the victim have the life sentence of a child? Because this is what it is. I can honestly say that had I not walked away from that child I would not be typing here now. But yes, this is just my story. Would it be one that I would chance again? Not a chance. Especially not when a young woman has so many years in the future that they can give birth to a child that they want with someone they love.

There would be no 'child' if a violent CRIME had not been committed against this young lady. There is no 'child' at the moment which is why the situation ius easier to deal with earlier on (I am sure I will now open a huge can of worms with that comment!! However, I only wish this has been explained to me at the time instead of the pressure put on it being a 'baby'!! I fume at the people who told me this crap)

I used to punch myself in the stomach every day hoping that this vile 'thing' inside me would die before I gave birth. Sadly, it didn't. Sorry if some of you are shocked by that comment.

Please do not confuse the feelings of giving birth to a child who has been born out of love (even if the parents are not still together) with the feelings of giving birth to a child that has been conceived in such a violent way with this womans rights having been violated appallingly. These are 2 very different sets of feelings and it would do you well to remember this but some people think 'baby' and 'ahh, cute'. Life is not always that way and I can tell that giving birth feels very different in the 2 circumstances too. I cannot hardly remember the birth, I remember crying and crying and having such a sense of depression. Having actually been in this situation there is not one day that will go past without looking at that child and not remembering what has been done to you. It took A LOT of counselling after many years of pain to deal with happened to me.

Of course, it is not only the next few months that has to be dealt with but also things for many years to come, it is not something that will go away when you give birth and see the baby's face. Unless you have been in that situation you cannot possibly begin to imagine how something like this impacts your life.

Anyway, I am stepping away now because yes, I deal with it but also it rakes up painful memories and I'll spend the next few days wondering when the knock on the door will come. I was a very naive, quiet, church going person when it happened to me - I often wonder what I did to deserve the life I got. But many years later I know it was to make me strong and to help others along the way.

I would also like to say that it was wonderful to hear that Rape Crisis could see this young lady so quickly and while she was only a few weeks into this situation. What wonderful developments, even the police did not want to help me many years ago, back then it was 'just a domestic'.

And where exactly did I say it was the womans fault? Nowhere!

To me a child is a child the moment it is concived so would I want to kill another human being? No I wouldn't but under the OPs circumstances who knows.. I suppose in an 'ideal' world if I felt I couldn't raise the child I would give it up for adoption to a couple who couldn't have a child of their own as I would feel it was a waste of a life otherwise. To me everyone and thing deserves a chance to live and prove themself but I would never put religion or my own personal beliefs in the way of someone making a desicion that will affect them for life.

CheeseCat

Aha I read that as in saying that the OP could remove all reminders without termination, whereas what you meant is that even if she terminates, the reminders can still be there in other ways.

My apologies (and I see what you mean)

ceridwen

inthesameboat wrote: »

I do agree, but I think what she means it that it is damage limitation and it means that you'll not have a constant reminder for as long as you live. Because ultimately, this is what it will be. Yes, it might still be in your head but having it in your head and having a reminder of 'I was raped' in your face 24/7.....

You are right - that is exactly what I mean.

Torry_Quine

inthesameboat wrote: »

Although my post sounds different, I have and my life is good now, I am a stronger person and can deal with pretty much anything. My life will not be good when that child finds me though, and I do know that, I do dread that because what will I say...... Sorry? Your father was a rapist? And destroy that persons life too? I dread that when the new neighbours come, I will be 'found'. Counselling is never going to help with those feelings, they are always going to be there for as long as I live because of what happened to me, it is how I deal with them that is important. It was a long time ago but that one thing will live with me forever. Forever, until I die.

However, your post reads that a woman in this situation should not even consider a termination and this is wrong. There is no 'child' as such yet and this is what women in this situation need to have explained to them, not the emotional 'you are destroying a life' kind of stuff I was fed and your post does read the same and thatis totally unfair. When you are never given a chance to prevent it then you should not even be fed stuff like 'it's a life' because that is emotional blackmail. This is why these options are open to us as women, she we can have a choice and can terminate with a couple of pills so early on.

I am really sorry if you thought my post read that way that really wasn't my intention at all. I just think that it isn't necessarily as straightforward as have a termination and it will make it easier to move on. Yes she has a choice and in the end it is her and her alone who will make the decision and live with the consequences.

I really do think that some counselling wuld be good for you not least if your child manages to find you.

ceridwen wrote: »

Okay - thats a given - and I know that better than many....

BUT it would remove the biggest reminder of the lot of that event. The last thing the poor woman needs is an absolutely constant reminder of this right in her face for the rest of her life. At least - if thats dealt with - then she will be able to "forget" about it for the majority of her time and get on with a "life as normal". With an unwanted child there constantly right in her face as a constant reminder of this - then she would never be able to forget about it for one minute....

So - I vote for "give her a break - and let her at least have most of her thoughts for the rest of her life devoted to life as normal - and not some in-her-face constant reminder...which is what a resultant pregnancy would mean if carried through".

Whether she has the child or a termination is not the deciding factor on having constant reminders of the rape itself.

lolseh wrote: »

And where exactly did I say it was the womans fault? Nowhere!

To me a child is a child the moment it is concived so would I want to kill another human being? No I wouldn't but under the OPs circumstances who knows.. I suppose in an 'ideal' world if I felt I couldn't raise the child I would give it up for adoption to a couple who couldn't have a child of their own as I would feel it was a waste of a life otherwise. To me everyone and thing deserves a chance to live and prove themself but I would never put religion or my own personal beliefs in the way of someone making a desicion that will affect them for life.

A well thought out reply

ceridwen

lolseh wrote: »

And where exactly did I say it was the womans fault? Nowhere!

To me a child is a child the moment it is concived so would I want to kill another human being? No I wouldn't but under the OPs circumstances who knows.. I suppose in an 'ideal' world if I felt I couldn't raise the child I would give it up for adoption to a couple who couldn't have a child of their own as I would feel it was a waste of a life otherwise. To me everyone and thing deserves a chance to live and prove themself but I would never put religion or my own personal beliefs in the way of someone making a desicion that will affect them for life.

BUT.....I do understand where you are coming from in saying that she could deal with this by having the child adopted at birth BUT BUT BUT...how do you expect the poor woman to deal with having to carry an obscene growth round in her body for 9 months (because...believe me...in the circumstances...it will NOT be a foetus...it WILL likely be an obscene growth in her book) and to boot her body will have been put through pregnancy and childbirth for nothing. It is understandable that a woman who actually wants a child will be prepared to accept the (often permanent) damage to her body that results from pregnancy and childbirth - but why on earth should a woman who DIDNT want this have to put up with that have to go through childbirth and take the risk of permanent damage to her health/looks because of something like a rape? Going through childbirth and taking the risk of permanent damage is one thing for a wanted/planned child but a totally different kettle of fish in these circumstances.

inthesameboat_2

lolseh wrote: »

And where exactly did I say it was the womans fault? Nowhere!

To me a child is a child the moment it is concived so would I want to kill another human being? No I wouldn't but under the OPs circumstances who knows.. I suppose in an 'ideal' world if I felt I couldn't raise the child I would give it up for adoption to a couple who couldn't have a child of their own as I would feel it was a waste of a life otherwise. To me everyone and thing deserves a chance to live and prove themself but I would never put religion or my own personal beliefs in the way of someone making a desicion that will affect them for life.

Probably me reading too much into it then.

The thing you have to remember, if you give the child up for adoption things do not go away with a fuzzy warm feeling. Somewhere I have a 'child' that at any minute could come an knock on the door an ruin what I would say is my perfect life.

I love my life but I have this 'thing' hanging over me and someone, one day, is going to want answers to those questions. How would you feel knowing you was born out of rape? Would it change your life?

And it will make a difference to that child later on when children that are wanted are born because they will be favoured, whether you agree with me on that or not because those children will have been born out of love.

All of this is one huge big vicious circle and you need to see the bigger picture, not that 'a life is a life' why should a womans life be ruined more than it is already because of emotional blackmail from others?

A life, for me, is a life when it can sustain itself without a host, a host that wants to love and nuture it. And this will be something we will have to disagree on as I am not going to argue about it, my experiences have made me have this opinion and it is my opinion only.

inthesameboat_2

ceridwen wrote: »

BUT.....I do understand where you are coming from in saying that she could deal with this by having the child adopted at birth BUT BUT BUT...how do you expect the poor woman to deal with having to carry an obscene growth round in her body for 9 months (because...believe me...in the circumstances...it will NOT be a foetus...it WILL likely be an obscene growth in her book) and to boot her body will have been put through pregnancy and childbirth for nothing. It is understandable that a woman who actually wants a child will be prepared to accept the (often permanent) damage to her body that results from pregnancy and childbirth - but why on earth should a woman who DIDNT want this have to put up with that have to go through childbirth and take the risk of permanent damage to her health/looks because of something like a rape? Going through childbirth and taking the risk of permanent damage is one thing for a wanted/planned child but a totally different kettle of fish in these circumstances.

Wow, this is what I was trying to say too. This was exactly how I felt and it never went away after the birth either.

Torry_Quine

inthesameboat wrote: »

Probably me reading too much into it then.

The thing you have to remember, if you give the child up for adoption things do not go away with a fuzzy warm feeling. Somewhere I have a 'child' that at any minute could come an knock on the door an ruin what I would say is my perfect life.

I love my life but I have this 'thing' hanging over me and someone, one day, is going to want answers to those questions. How would you feel knowing you was born out of rape? Would it change your life?

And it will make a difference to that child later on when children that are wanted are born because they will be favoured, whether you agree with me on that or not because those children will have been born out of love.

All of this is one huge big vicious circle and you need to see the bigger picture, not that 'a life is a life' why should a womans life be ruined more than it is already because of emotional blackmail from others?

A life, for me, is a life when it can sustain itself without a host, a host that wants to love and nuture it. And this will be something we will have to disagree on as I am not going to argue about it, my experiences have made me have this opinion and it is my opinion only.

With adoption though you don't have to worry that the child would come looking without your permission so if you never wanted any contact that would be your choice.

You are presuming understandably due to your circumstances that a woman in this situation would have her life ruined but that is by no means guaranteed.

lolseh

Torry_Quine wrote: »

A well thought out reply

Just putting my point of view over. Like I said, I wouldn't want my personal opinion getting in the way of someone making a choice only they could make. I don't agree with people eating meat but aslong as they know how the animals are raised and killed and can live with that desicion then that's their choice!

The OP could ask everyone in the world what their thoughts are and really the only person in the world that can make the final desicon is her. She should be putting everyone elses thoughts and feelings aside just now and work out what is best for her alone. I would like to think her family could put aside their religous belifes if she does go ahead with an abortion but right now she shouldn't be worrying about that just now as it can be sorted out in time.