Pregnant as a result of rape

inthesameboat_2

lolseh wrote: »

I don't think there is an easy answer to this atall.. It's not your fault atall for being raped and falling pregnant but at the same time it's not the childs fault either because they didn't ask to be brought into this awful situation.

If your mum couldn't accept you having an abortion after going through what you already have then I really would wonder what sort of mother would put her religion before her childs needs and wellbeing.

Hugs to you!

I actually find it quite insulting that people say 'it's not the childs fault' - it's not the womans fault at all and she never had the chance to say 'no'. Why should there even be a discussion on 'the child'? Why should the victim have the life sentence of a child? Because this is what it is. I can honestly say that had I not walked away from that child I would not be typing here now. But yes, this is just my story. Would it be one that I would chance again? Not a chance. Especially not when a young woman has so many years in the future that they can give birth to a child that they want with someone they love.

There would be no 'child' if a violent CRIME had not been committed against this young lady. There is no 'child' at the moment which is why the situation ius easier to deal with earlier on (I am sure I will now open a huge can of worms with that comment!! However, I only wish this has been explained to me at the time instead of the pressure put on it being a 'baby'!! I fume at the people who told me this crap)

I used to punch myself in the stomach every day hoping that this vile 'thing' inside me would die before I gave birth. Sadly, it didn't. Sorry if some of you are shocked by that comment.

Please do not confuse the feelings of giving birth to a child who has been born out of love (even if the parents are not still together) with the feelings of giving birth to a child that has been conceived in such a violent way with this womans rights having been violated appallingly. These are 2 very different sets of feelings and it would do you well to remember this but some people think 'baby' and 'ahh, cute'. Life is not always that way and I can tell that giving birth feels very different in the 2 circumstances too. I cannot hardly remember the birth, I remember crying and crying and having such a sense of depression. Having actually been in this situation there is not one day that will go past without looking at that child and not remembering what has been done to you. It took A LOT of counselling after many years of pain to deal with happened to me.

Of course, it is not only the next few months that has to be dealt with but also things for many years to come, it is not something that will go away when you give birth and see the baby's face. Unless you have been in that situation you cannot possibly begin to imagine how something like this impacts your life.

Anyway, I am stepping away now because yes, I deal with it but also it rakes up painful memories and I'll spend the next few days wondering when the knock on the door will come. I was a very naive, quiet, church going person when it happened to me - I often wonder what I did to deserve the life I got. But many years later I know it was to make me strong and to help others along the way.

I would also like to say that it was wonderful to hear that Rape Crisis could see this young lady so quickly and while she was only a few weeks into this situation. What wonderful developments, even the police did not want to help me many years ago, back then it was 'just a domestic'.

Amara

I didn't want to read and run. I really feel for you. Big hugs.

Torry_Quine

ceridwen wrote: »

So - from that - my verdict personally would be "Best to remove all reminders of that awful event as fast as possible" - so the operation to deal with that would have already been planned and carried out.

All I will say is that having a termination and removing all reminders of the event are not necessarily the same.

inthesameboat_2

One last thing after reading another post. If there is a b*****d gene then this could be passed onto a girl or a boy. While a girl cannot rape she can also do other pretty vile things to others.

And if there is one.... 'oh sh-it' In fact it crosses my mind every time I think about it. That man did awful things to me - and to other women he was 'with'. I often wonder that if I was driving down a road and saw him there and no-one else was there, would I run him down? The answer would be yes. I do not think I'll rest until I know he is dead and cannot find me.

Somethings you can get help for and deal with however somethings never really go away and if you can limit the damage it causes, then you should.

Torry_Quine

inthesameboat wrote: »

I actually find it quite insulting that people say 'it's not the childs fault' - it's not the womans fault at all and she never had the chance to say 'no'. Why should there even be a discussion on 'the child'? Why should the victim have the life sentence of a child? Because this is what it is. I can honestly say that had I not walked away from that child I would not be typing here now. But yes, this is just my story. Would it be one that I would chance again? Not a chance. Especially not when a young woman has so many years in the future that they can give birth to a child that they want with someone they love.

There would be no 'child' if a violent CRIME had not been committed against this young lady. There is no 'child' at the moment which is why the situation ius easier to deal with earlier on (I am sure I will now open a huge can of worms with that comment!! However, I only wish this has been explained to me at the time instead of the pressure put on it being a 'baby'!! I fume at the people who told me this crap)

I used to punch myself in the stomach every day hoping that this vile 'thing' inside me would die before I gave birth. Sadly, it didn't. Sorry if some of you are shocked by that comment.

Please do not confuse the feelings of giving birth to a child who has been born out of love (even if the parents are not still together) with the feelings of giving birth to a child that has been conceived in such a violent way with this womans rights having been violated appallingly. These are 2 very different sets of feelings and it would do you well to remember this but some people think 'baby' and 'ahh, cute'. Life is not always that way and I can tell that giving birth feels very different in the 2 circumstances too. I cannot hardly remember the birth, I remember crying and crying and having such a sense of depression. Having actually been in this situation there is not one day that will go past without looking at that child and not remembering what has been done to you. It took A LOT of counselling after many years of pain to deal with happened to me.

Of course, it is not only the next few months that has to be dealt with but also things for many years to come, it is not something that will go away when you give birth and see the baby's face. Unless you have been in that situation you cannot possibly begin to imagine how something like this impacts your life.

Anyway, I am stepping away now because yes, I deal with it but also it rakes up painful memories and I'll spend the next few days wondering when the knock on the door will come. I was a very naive, quiet, church going person when it happened to me - I often wonder what I did to deserve the life I got. But many years later I know it was to make me strong and to help others along the way.

I would also like to say that it was wonderful to hear that Rape Crisis could see this young lady so quickly and while she was only a few weeks into this situation. What wonderful developments, even the police did not want to help me many years ago, back then it was 'just a domestic'.

It isn't the child's fault though neither is it the woman's either and that is the hard act of the matter.

Your situation was horrendous and I can't begin to know what yu went through with the rape, the pregnancy or the birth and having a child you didn't want. While for you the child was a constant reminder of what you had been thrugh for someone else it may be something good coming out of something bad.

This is why other people's experiences aren't always helpful in my opinion.

I wish you well and hope that your life is good. Please get the counselling you need and deserve.

inthesameboat_2

Torry_Quine wrote: »

All I will say is that having a termination and removing all reminders of the event are not necessarily the same.

I do agree, but I think what she means it that it is damage limitation and it means that you'll not have a constant reminder for as long as you live. Because ultimately, this is what it will be. Yes, it might still be in your head but having it in your head and having a reminder of 'I was raped' in your face 24/7.....

Decluttering

My thoughts are with you, this must be a terrible ordeal for you. Right now I think the advice lines suggested above are the best people to talk to but I'll also say that if you do decide to keep the baby, try to think of it as a gift instead of the result of a bad experience. Whatever you decide, I wish you a happy future and hope that your scars heal x

CheeseCat

Torry_Quine wrote: »

All I will say is that having a termination and removing all reminders of the event are not necessarily the same.

How so? I'd say the child is the biggest reminder there could be, aside from seeing the "man" who did that to you.

Torry_Quine

CheeseCat wrote: »

How so? I'd say the child is the biggest reminder there could be, aside from seeing the "man" who did that to you.

I said that it didn't remove all reminders of the rape. Other things can be very big triggers and not always the obvious things. I'm not about to list what that could be for very obvious reasons though.

inthesameboat_2

Torry_Quine wrote: »

It isn't the child's fault though neither is it the woman's either and that is the hard act of the matter.

I wish you well and hope that your life is good. Please get the counselling you need and deserve.

Although my post sounds different, I have and my life is good now, I am a stronger person and can deal with pretty much anything. My life will not be good when that child finds me though, and I do know that, I do dread that because what will I say...... Sorry? Your father was a rapist? And destroy that persons life too? I dread that when the new neighbours come, I will be 'found'. Counselling is never going to help with those feelings, they are always going to be there for as long as I live because of what happened to me, it is how I deal with them that is important. It was a long time ago but that one thing will live with me forever. Forever, until I die.

However, your post reads that a woman in this situation should not even consider a termination and this is wrong. There is no 'child' as such yet and this is what women in this situation need to have explained to them, not the emotional 'you are destroying a life' kind of stuff I was fed and your post does read the same and thatis totally unfair. When you are never given a chance to prevent it then you should not even be fed stuff like 'it's a life' because that is emotional blackmail. This is why these options are open to us as women, she we can have a choice and can terminate with a couple of pills so early on.