Pregnant as a result of rape

R-o-b-b-i-e

+1 Marie Stopes

fannyanna

In an attempt to be helpful I’ve tried to think of some areas of consideration.

If you went ahead with an abortion……

• This in effect gets rid of the problem – the unwanted pregnancy.
• In turn this removes the likelihood of a baby being a reminder to you of what you went through and it may help you get over your awful experience.
• On the other hand this may provide you with a new psychological trauma – the fact that you’ve had an abortion.
• You’ve said that you are normally anti-abortion and your family are very much so anti-abortion. This would therefore conflict with your views however this isn’t a standard abortion as such. Do you think the circumstances would change your families view on abortion?
• If you feel there would be too much stigma attached in confiding in your friends and family you may feel very alone.

If you had the baby……..

• This wouldn’t conflict with your (of your families) morals regarding abortion.
• You would have a child – which you’ve stated is something you would want (at some point in your life but not necessarily now).
• Nurture is stronger than nature – how you raise the child will structure who he/she becomes and will have nothing to do with who the Father is or what he did.
• As you’ve said will you find the child a constant reminder of how he/she was conceived? Perhaps some good counselling would help with this?
• Would your family and friends support you? What would you tell them in relation to who the Father is and how the baby was conceived?
• Whilst you may be in a good financial situation can you afford a baby? Will you need to work? If so, can you afford childcare?
• Being realistic you are likely to be a lone parent. How do you feel about this?
• Do you know the Father? Is he likely to try and have some form of involvement in the child’s life? Whilst I’m sure you could go to court to prevent him having any form of involvement I’m sure this would be quite stressful if the situation were to arise.
• How will you handle the child asking about his/her Father?

Whattodo??_2

Mupette wrote: »

This should be reported to the police.

Right now this person is walking around without a care, and thinks they can do it again.... lets hope it is none of us or our daughters, mothers etc

I understand what you're saying. I would never forgive myself if it happened to someone else. But reporting it is easier said than done. I'm not a strong enough person to talk about it with anyone, hence turning to an internet forum to discuss this rather than my friends. I can't make myself say it out loud other than to OH. Believe me I have tried.

Perhaps with the support of the people at rape crisis I will find it easier to talk about it and report it. Perhaps not. But not reporting it so far was not a decision I made lightly at all, so please stop with the guilt tripping. Whatever I do in future I have to live with it for the rest of my life and that is hard enough without other people trying to make me feel even worse about it.

Torry_Quine

This is an awful situation to find yourself in and there are no easy answers. What you need is good unbiased counselling because whatever you decide you are the one who will have to live with the decision. One thing I will say is that having a termination will not in itself necessarily help you get over the rape. If it doesn't soud strange you need t treat them as two seperate but closely linked situations in that they do effect each other obviously but help in one area doesn't negate help in the other. Whatever you decide I wish you well.

Whattodo??_2

fannyanna wrote: »

In an attempt to be helpful I’ve tried to think of some areas of consideration.

If you went ahead with an abortion……

• This in effect gets rid of the problem – the unwanted pregnancy.
• In turn this removes the likelihood of a baby being a reminder to you of what you went through and it may help you get over your awful experience.
• On the other hand this may provide you with a new psychological trauma – the fact that you’ve had an abortion.
• You’ve said that you are normally anti-abortion and your family are very much so anti-abortion. This would therefore conflict with your views however this isn’t a standard abortion as such. Do you think the circumstances would change your families view on abortion?
• If you feel there would be too much stigma attached in confiding in your friends and family you may feel very alone.

If you had the baby……..

• This wouldn’t conflict with your (of your families) morals regarding abortion.
• You would have a child – which you’ve stated is something you would want (at some point in your life but not necessarily now).
• Nurture is stronger than nature – how you raise the child will structure who he/she becomes and will have nothing to do with who the Father is or what he did.
• As you’ve said will you find the child a constant reminder of how he/she was conceived? Perhaps some good counselling would help with this?
• Would your family and friends support you? What would you tell them in relation to who the Father is and how the baby was conceived?
• Whilst you may be in a good financial situation can you afford a baby? Will you need to work? If so, can you afford childcare?
• Being realistic you are likely to be a lone parent. How do you feel about this?
• Do you know the Father? Is he likely to try and have some form of involvement in the child’s life? Whilst I’m sure you could go to court to prevent him having any form of involvement I’m sure this would be quite stressful if the situation were to arise.
• How will you handle the child asking about his/her Father?

I wish I could thank you 10 times over for taking the time to write this post. It is extremely helpful.

fannyanna

Mupette wrote: »

This should be reported to the police.

Right now this person is walking around without a care, and thinks they can do it again.... lets hope it is none of us or our daughters, mothers etc

Whilst I do agree with you I can't help but think that the OP has been through enough lately and I can understand why she hasn't made a report.

She's probably traumatised enough as it is without us trying to make her feel responsible for this man's future actions.

Torry_Quine

fannyanna wrote: »

Whilst I do agree with you I can't help but think that the OP has been through enough lately and I can understand why she hasn't made a report.

She's probably traumatised enough as it is without us trying to make her feel responsible for this man's future actions.

I have to agree, she is not respnsible in any way for his actions. There are many reasons why rape is not reported and it is for her and her alone to make the decision.

Nara

Sorry to hear what has happened, it must be heartbreaking.

From a personal point of view of being a mum but of also having had an abortion in the past I would choose to terminate the pregnancy.
I wouldn't be able to cope with it, I think i could love the child but I would feel awful knowing that one day that child would want to know its father and how to explain it, also I would worry that the child would constantly remind me of the rape:(
I'm not a strong person and I don't think I could cope.

Ofc an abortion is not an easy option either esp if under normal circumstances you would never consider one, but just to let you know that sometimes it is the easier option. You will hear lots of people saying they regretted it for the rest of their lives and never got over it, but thats not always the case, I believe that sometimes it is the right decision to make but it is also a personal decision.

You should deffo get some help, advice and counciling before making any decision if your unsure what to do. Hopefully your boyfriend will be supportive in whatever decision you make.

I wish you luck.

Whattodo??_2

I've got an appointment with a local rape crisis centre this evening. I'm going to go and meet OH from work, tell him, then hopefully we can go together.

The more I go over it in my head the more i'm leaning towards termination. But I know neither option is something I can rush in to and I do need to discuss it properly with people.

Thanks for help so far. And for the PMs. I will reply to them all as mse lets me.

carolineb23

my goodness, this is absolutely heartbreaking to read. I am so so sorry you are having to go through this I cannot even begin to imagine how you must be feeling. I haven't really got any advice other than what's already been suggested. Good luck talking to your boyfriend tonight about it, you are being very brave. I would suggest asking your doctor for referral (fast) to a counsellor to try and talk through your situation, you may find the more you talk about it the clearer it will be in your mind. I would also suggest reporting the rape to the police as has been mentioned by other posters. I wish you well with whatever you decide, much love to you.