Irritating Relation Get It Off Your Chest Thread.

BugglyB

My mothers mother is my most awful relation. She is fine with me but upsets my mum no end. My mum has done really well for herself (through a combination of hard work and good luck) and her mum can't bear it, she is always coming out with snidey comments and judgemental attitude. She walks around the house saying things like 'oh, you're having the garden like that are you?' and 'my neighbour had those curtains twenty years ago'. She puts down all my mums achievements and constantly belittles her.

I always feel like yelling at her but I know that would upset my mum so I just let her get on with it and then try and be as nice as possible after shes gone. Shes very racist (thinks its ok to say paki and nig nog!) and bitter about other peoples happiness. One of those who think she has a raw deal on everything. She bugrudges everyone everything that they have which is nice even though she has a comfortable life. She is different with all her daughters and sons.

My mum is terrified she will end up like that and no amount of reassurance will make her feel better about it! Which is funny because shes the sweetest kindest lady I know!

Olokia

Thanks

I have promised myself that in the future she won't treat me like this any more. Accepting the gift was a mistake but I am determined to have the wedding my way as much as possible.

Btw is it normal to have your MIL automatically assume that she is invited to the menu tasting even though it will be awkward because only 2 meals maximum can be tasted from each section and she will have to have a normal menu item.

Also is it normal for the Mother of the Groom to be part of the bridal group getting ready. I really don't want her there when I am getting ready but my OH says that if it is normal for her to be there, then it is rude to bar her from the room.

euronorris

There's no normal when it comes to your wedding. What you want, within reason, is what you should do.

The menu tasting and bridal group getting ready - no, IMO, it is not 'standard/average' for the MIL to be there unless invited.

I'm taking that from experience of my sister and brother's wedding (one late 2008 and one mid 2009). It tends to be only the bride's relations and chosen bridesmaids getting ready together. Maybe this is why she is controlling so much? Does she have a daughter? Maybe she doesn't and she's trying to force you to fill a void of hers?

When my sister was getting ready for her wedding, it was just me and Mum helping her. Everyone else was downstairs (she also had our neice's as younger bridesmaids).

The arguing over inviting relatives seems to be fairly common though. This happened with my sister's wedding as my Dad assumed that all of his family, who live up North and we've barely seen, were invited. There was an argument about that, but he did back off and didn't even mention it when my brother and his wife came to deciding who to invite (he'd learnt his lesson by then).

euronorris

BugglyB wrote: »

My mothers mother is my most awful relation. She is fine with me but upsets my mum no end. My mum has done really well for herself (through a combination of hard work and good luck) and her mum can't bear it, she is always coming out with snidey comments and judgemental attitude. She walks around the house saying things like 'oh, you're having the garden like that are you?' and 'my neighbour had those curtains twenty years ago'. She puts down all my mums achievements and constantly belittles her.

I always feel like yelling at her but I know that would upset my mum so I just let her get on with it and then try and be as nice as possible after shes gone. Shes very racist (thinks its ok to say paki and nig nog!) and bitter about other peoples happiness. One of those who think she has a raw deal on everything. She bugrudges everyone everything that they have which is nice even though she has a comfortable life. She is different with all her daughters and sons.

My mum is terrified she will end up like that and no amount of reassurance will make her feel better about it! Which is funny because shes the sweetest kindest lady I know!

My Mum's Mum was like this also. You couldn't do right for doing wrong.

If I was single, I would get lectures on how she was married with 2 kids at that age, and if I was with someone, then it was all 'why are you settling down now, you're too young, you should go off and see the world' etc etc.

It's horrid, but we bit our tonuges and got on with it, as much as we could (sometimes my Mum would reach her limit and give her an ear bashing), because by that time, she was very old, frail and ill. TBH, a lot of the time she was in pain, struggled to move, struggled to breather etc, so we think she may have been lashing out at us about that.

Olokia

Thanks,

Well it is too late for the menu tasting, I wasn't sure if she was supposed to come or not. I didn't think so but my OH said the mother of the bride goes to it normally so why can't she. So she is invited now, I just didn't like that she automatically assumed she was invited.

Bridal group getting ready thing. I am so relieved. I imagined her being there saying no you can't have your hair like that, do it again or something.

She doesn't have a daughter so it may be a possibility. If she had been my mother then I would have moved to Australia by now.

balletshoes

to be honest, as your MIL is paying for half, and if your Mum was going to the menu tasting, then yes, I can see how MIL would assume she would be going too.

Have you told her and OH she's not coming to your house to get ready on your wedding day? I think you better nip that in the bud quickly if its already been mentioned, otherwise that will be another bit of the wedding that doesn't go your way.

aliasojo

Olokia wrote: »

Also is it normal for the Mother of the Groom to be part of the bridal group getting ready. I really don't want her there when I am getting ready but my OH says that if it is normal for her to be there, then it is rude to bar her from the room.

He's good isn't he?

Strikes me he's a chip off the old block. He doesn't seem to have gripped the fact this is your day, not his Mum's?

Olokia

Oh my mum isn't going. They live abroad so it is hard for them to do anything wedding related. My OH was saying that as it was my mum's role, then MIL can do it instead.

lostinrates

HeidiHi wrote: »

She'd be thrilled. Because she needs less and less sleep these days, and because she's fast asleep by 9pm every night she's up at 4:00am and bored witless by 6:00am..

what about telephoning her for a chat at about 5 to nine a couple of nights a week. that way she feels cared about (probably a huge part of the issue) and you might make her sleep in the next day..with time she might transition to a 10 pm betime, and hour later to get going in the morning?

Other ideas might include a family meal one evening a week, not sitting down till around 8/8:30...might mean its a grown ups only supper? And suggesting good things to watch on tv starting at nine, then talking about it afterwards with her.

I'm a morning person too, but get me out of routine and it gets me lying in quite late given a chance:o

BugglyB

euronorris wrote: »

My Mum's Mum was like this also. You couldn't do right for doing wrong.

If I was single, I would get lectures on how she was married with 2 kids at that age, and if I was with someone, then it was all 'why are you settling down now, you're too young, you should go off and see the world' etc etc.

It's horrid, but we bit our tonuges and got on with it, as much as we could (sometimes my Mum would reach her limit and give her an ear bashing), because by that time, she was very old, frail and ill. TBH, a lot of the time she was in pain, struggled to move, struggled to breather etc, so we think she may have been lashing out at us about that.

She's very healthy and I think she will live to be about a hundred, heh. The bit I've put in bold is exactly right, shes only like this with my mum, but she will complain if theres no pudding with tea, then if we go for a three course meal will say 'why do I want so much food on a day like today, I would have preferred just soup'!

I wish just once my mum would stand up to her instead of trying so hard to please her. My sis and I just try and 'close ranks' around my mum to protect her from the harshness!