Irritating Relation Get It Off Your Chest Thread.

*Louise*

LilacPixie wrote: »

Last straw came when I returned home and FIL was in my livingroom and he said ' you should ring the door bell when entering my sons house' I exploaded and flung him out. .

Wow.....:eek: *speechless*

HeidiHi

aliasojo wrote: »

:eek: All other suggestions I agree with.........but these two?

OP she continues with the same behaviour because you let her.

If she wont change, then the way you deal with it has to. All depends on how far you want to go.

Personally I'm not one who supports the 'blood is thicker than water therefore all manner of crap must be bourne if it's a family member who you're dealing with' school of thought. I just wouldn't allow this to continue. I'd warn all the neighbours in advance that some tough love will be taking place and then I'd ignore, ignore, ignore. It will take a few attempts but the message will get through eventually.

Thank you. I do appreciate the suggestion. My husband would do that, but I'm not sure I could. Imagine the neighbours are all out, the police have been called and there's a distressed old lady in the middle of all the lights and sirens. We'd just inconvenience lots of people and waste police time. She wouldn't learn.

In the early days over 25 years ago my husband would shout at her for doing it, or not visit for a week after she'd done it.

But after 25 years of not learning I don't think we could ever be harsh enough to get through to her. No matter how harsh we were she wouldn't change. That's why I'm having a little blurt on here, because I don't think there's anything else I can do.

HeidiHi

Memory_Girl wrote: »

:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl:

Or like "sleep training" toddlers a la Supernanny

OH opens the door, takes whatever she is offering and says the first time

"Thanks Mum - I'm off back to bed now" then shuts the door on her

Second time

"Too early - Bye Mum" and shuts the door

Third time

Says nothing - just shuts the door on her.


................ of course the secret would be then ignoring her knocking on the door in the future.

Can you tell I'm not a morning person?

MG

It is a lot like dealing with a child. That's pretty much what he does.

He doesn't talk or engage her. He just opens the door in his pants with his cross face on. He holds his hand out for the thing, whatever it is, and shuts it again.

That way she doesn't start knocking again.

He says if he speaks to her or even looks her in the eye, when he closes the door the knocking starts up again.

HeidiHi

Sambucus_Nigra wrote: »

Only included as she seems to be let in anyway.....I'd stand my ground and be conveniently out for a few times myself.

She isn't let in. That's why the children can't do it. She's push past one of them. Besides, she's our responsibility, not theirs.

HeidiHi

mark88man wrote: »

I think more sympathy is needed. sounds like the OP MIL is being dealt with at a transactional level (a nuisance to be sorted), but that you (or anyone else) doesn't really spend any quality time with her.

It also seems that all the other relatives are getting precedence. I know people are talking supernanny, but you trying to stop the symptoms, whilst to me it seems the underlying reason is lack of real warmth - and being told to join a club won't cut it

This is probably true, except for the other relatives getting precedence part. We don't have time to entertain them either, but we do visit all of them on a regular schedule, and help them with whatever they need help with. If anything she gets the lions share of time and attention because she is the squeakiest wheel.

How much warmth can you have for someone who never bothered to learn your name, and thinks their need to be entertained early in the morning supersedes your basic human need for sleep?

She knows our schedules. She knows we're sleeping when she does it because she yells up at the bedroom windows.

She knows I will have been in bed for an hour or less when she's doing it.

She knows how tired my husband is all the time, because she likes to blame me for that, and she knows how hard it is to make enough time for our three children let alone each other, because again, my fault for working.

Warmth? No there isn't much, in either direction. Never has been.

Having said that I do have sympathy with her, as I would any unhappy old lady, but not to the extent that I will allow her to control my life.

HeidiHi

marywooyeah wrote: »

I'm really surprised none of your neighbours have gone and shouted at her actually, maybe that would shock her a bit!
sounds like you do loads for her, what more could she possibly want? like you say you have enough on your plate as it is!

People tend to avoid crazy people don't they? She's a little old lady now. We're automatically kind to little old ladies aren't we?

We do as much as we can for her yes on a practical level, but when someone has been unpleasant and critical to you your whole married life you don't choose to hang out with them for fun do you? Out of my children, only the eldest makes time for her, but not at exam time because she's so exhausting and exasperating and draining to be with.

HeidiHi

lostinrates wrote: »

what about telephoning her for a chat at about 5 to nine a couple of nights a week. that way she feels cared about (probably a huge part of the issue) and you might make her sleep in the next day..with time she might transition to a 10 pm betime, and hour later to get going in the morning?

Other ideas might include a family meal one evening a week, not sitting down till around 8/8:30...might mean its a grown ups only supper? And suggesting good things to watch on tv starting at nine, then talking about it afterwards with her.

I'm a morning person too, but get me out of routine and it gets me lying in quite late given a chance:o

She must always get up by 6.30am, even if she is tired, even if she doesn't feel well, even if she has nothing to do and nowhere to go because what would the neighbours say!

My daughter has tried to suggest TV programmes like you said many times even offering to go round and watch them with her, but she's so set in her ways that she shoots her down very rudely and angrily as if she had suggested something outrageous. It quite upsets me but my daughter bears it with good grace.

If we ring her too "late" or when Corrie is on she has no problem just shouting angrily down the phone and hanging up.

Oh and normal people eat their main meal at 5.30pm or 6.00pm at the outside. You must not ever deviate from that even on Christmas Day.

She was invited out for a meal not long ago, and was very bitterly angry that she "couldn't" go because they weren't going to collect her until 7.00pm. That was a very stupid idea because obviously she wouldn't want to eat so late.

My daughter rang her and asked her if she'd like to wander round the shops with her about 1pm last week. She said No because there would be hardly any time so it wasn't worth bothering. My daughter countered with a gentle "But there's over four whole hours Grandma if we stay out until they shut." only to be met with an outraged "Why would I want to stay out that late? Don't be so stupid!"

The more I write the more crazy she sounds, I know.

HeidiHi

Violetta wrote: »

Oh Heidi I can't believe your mil call's you wotsit that is terrible. I would be so tempted to call her £uckface (scuse language) until she make's an effort to say your name right. Don't have to tell us but is it an easy enough name to say, still 15 yrs is plenty time to get your tongue around even the most difficult of names.
I feel your pain re suggesting things for her to do. my own mil would moan about being alone & having nothing to do, I suggested social clubs or bingo- you would have thought I'd suggested she go try sell her body down the dock's the way she reacted. Few month's later some random bloke on the bus spoke to her suggested a social club that also does bingo-hey presto she's down there the next night. She went for a few years until 1 of her "friend's" dared to tell her to stop talking about herself all the time.
I think she's now gotten into some evengelical church, which is probably quite good for her.
I'm not sure what kind of church though as I stopped speaking to her at Xmas when I'd finally had enough & told her a few home truth's. It has been bliss.

Oh that made me laugh! Don't think I haven't been tempted. She's known me for 30 years and my name is ever so similar to my username.

What you said about how she reacts as if you'd suggested she go and sell her body down the docks is exactly what my MIL does.

I can see that I need to plant someone on the bus. :rotfl:

HeidiHi

LilacPixie wrote: »

Can I add my FIL please.

Basiclly he is a !!!!less sod who couldn't hold down job when my husband and his sibligs were kids, got into huge amounts of debt and almost lost their home and basically he is just a muppet.

Now he is verbally abusive to his oldest son ( my BIL) because he happens to be gay, his daughter refuses to have anything to do with him and my husband is trying to maintain contact but that is getting harder all the time.

some snippets according to FIL

1) DH not a real man because I earn more than him
2) DH a po** lover because he maintains contact with BIL
3) DH under thumb because I have banned FIL from my home and DH agrees

Last straw came when I returned home and FIL was in my livingroom and he said ' you should ring the door bell when entering my sons house' I exploaded and flung him out. I was furious especilly considering my husband was plunged deep deep in debt at 18/19 by his dad, debt he is still paying back now and debt that has meant this house is mortgaged in my name only because of the debt commitments DH has.

Lilac Pixie in the oddbod annoying relative stakes you win. For goodness sake what is the man like?

It's oddly comforting that so many of you have demented relations as well.

Thank you.

lostinrates

HeidiHi wrote: »

The more I write the more crazy she sounds, I know.

On the plus side your daughter sounds like a saint.