Irritating Relation Get It Off Your Chest Thread.

gratefulforhelp_2

I am with the others about her paying for your wedding.

Let her do it, and you may never be allowed to forget it.

lostinrates

pimento wrote: »

Quite so!

I just want to make it clear, I don't want to beat the poster around the head with this view, and I'm sincerely sorry if I were a little over forthright, but nobody NEEDS a wedding, we got married for £100ish, the license and the civil ceremony. We're reasonably well off, and like most women I'd dreamed of the dress and the food and the venue, but I really strongly believe that this big day syndrome is a big problem, puts unnecessary strain on couples and family relations. I think this poster is a good example of that....losing autonomy and..well, other things...because she thinks she NEEDS this money. No one needs a mil who feels over invoilved, and this mil is literally buying the entitlement to an opinion in decisions this couple make, and this sets a prescident, as the poster clearly posted, to make opinions in other areas.


fwiw, she's possibly right about the dog too.

candygirl

My MIL is bugging me big style at the mo as we can't afford to go to OH's Sis' wedding abroad.I don't get which bit of the "we're skint" convo she doesn't get:mad::mad::mad::mad:

euronorris

Olokia wrote: »

Of course she can have an opinion but I object to her opinion being the only option which she seems to think it is.

I know people don't agree with me but I am having my dream wedding and if I have to compromise on a few things to get it, then that's what I am going to do. I really don't want a wedding abroad.

I can be annoyed about it though and that is why I posted it all here but I probably won't really notice on the day.

I thought the money was what she said it was, a gift. I will never make the same mistake in the future. I am now expecting it so when I start having kids, I will know what she is like and stop her before she takes over.

The sentence I have highlighted is a contradiction. You can't possibly have your dream wedding, if your're compromising with her.

You don't have to go abroad, you don't have to do anything. But, if you want your dream wedding, you should consider giving the money back to her, cutting your losses, postpone the wedding and start saving for it yourselves.

Otherwise, I fear she will remind you at every opportunity that she paid for the wedding, and that you still 'owe' her for it somehow.

Why do you argue with your partner about it though? Does he view things differently?

Olokia

lostinrates wrote: »

I just want to make it clear, I don't want to beat the poster around the head with this view, and I'm sorry if I were a loittle over forthright, but nobody NEEDS a wedding, we got married for £100ish, the license and the civil ceremony. We're reasonably well off, and like most women I'd dreamed of the dress and the food and the venue, but I really strongly believe that this big day syndrome is a big problem, puts unnecessary strain on couples and family relations. I think this poster is a good example of that....losing autonomy and..well, other things...because she thinks she NEEDS this money. No one needs a mil who feels over invoilved, and this mil is literally buying the entitlement to an opinion in decisions this couple make, and this sets a prescident, as the poster clearly posted, to make opinions in other areas.


fwiw, she's possibly right about the dog too.

Oh I forgot to say, as soon as OH and I announced our engagement, she invited all OH's aunts and uncles and a family friend and his wife. The aunts and uncles would have been invited but probably not the family friend. This was before she offered the money. We felt it would have been rude to un invite everyone so registry office wedding was already out of the question. Also because her family is so traditional (I hate her using this excuse), we have to have an expensive looking wedding so that it fits with all the other weddings.

For the dog, I sort of understand where she is coming from but I am working with the dogs trust to find a dog which will be absolutely fine with being left alone. The dog has to have in his history that he is fine. This does make it hard to find the right dog but I want the dog to be happy.

Olokia

euronorris wrote: »

Why do you argue with your partner about it though? Does he view things differently?

He has grown up with her being like this and has accepted her behaviour and makes excuses for her.

shelley_crow

If you accept her money you will be beholden to her forever.

I'd have my wedding my way. I wouldn't stand for being told where/how/when I was getting married or being bullied using the threat of withdrawing finaces/emotional blackmail into changing my mind. Can you save for longer or scale down the wedding so you wouldn't need her help? You are marrying her son, not her. So what if all his family have had expensive weddings, it's your big day, not a sideshow.

delain

My family would go nuts if OH and I got married... we have discussed it and would one day like to, but all the resulting stress and them telling me I'm an idiot would dampen the whole thing.

We actually want to go on holiday to the North (Scotland, or maybe Whitby) next Christmas holiday in the hope of seeing snow, maybe we should just go and get married there with just us and the kids and random witnesses off the street :rotfl: Seems to have worked for some of you!

euronorris

Olokia wrote: »

He has grown up with her being like this and has accepted her behaviour and makes excuses for her.

This concerns me. If he can't see what's wrong with her behaviour, you will be battling about this issue for the rest of your married lives.

balletshoes

Olokia wrote: »

Oh I forgot to say, as soon as OH and I announced our engagement, she invited all OH's aunts and uncles and a family friend and his wife. The aunts and uncles would have been invited but probably not the family friend. This was before she offered the money. We felt it would have been rude to un invite everyone so registry office wedding was already out of the question. Also because her family is so traditional (I hate her using this excuse), we have to have an expensive looking wedding so that it fits with all the other weddings.

For the dog, I sort of understand where she is coming from but I am working with the dogs trust to find a dog which will be absolutely fine with being left alone. The dog has to have in his history that he is fine. This does make it hard to find the right dog but I want the dog to be happy.

see unless that was your plan too for your dream wedding, to rule out the registry office, and have an expensive looking wedding, its not your dream wedding is it? Its already someone else's wedding.
To be honest, I think you are going to have trouble with MIL in future, over every major decision you and your OH make, especially if he just accepts thats the way she is.

But as I said earlier, if you're determined to have as much of your dream wedding as you can (considering MIL's interference, which quite frankly I would have majorly told her off for as soon as she started invited folk to your wedding), then I just hope you survive in one piece for the next 10 months, and still manage to have an enjoyable day - it seems a heavy price to pay for it though, in my opinion.

All the best to you .