Very upset son because we are moving, help?

janninew

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

No wonder there are so many spoilt children around when their demands are allowed to override their parents' decisions! Fancy suggesting that a child of 10 should dictate his parents' lives for them!

I must admit the same thing crossed my mind reading some responses on here. The OP's son was upset last night and now people think they shouldn't move?! I moved as a child at 11 years old and was really upset to leave my best friend and the secondary school that I'd just settled in to, I can't imagine my Mum ever thinking that we shouldn't move just because her kids faced a bit of disruption! I soon settled and so will the OP's son. The daughter and her college course is a difficult one, such a shame that she can't spend the weekend with her Dad and her weekends with Mum, that could have been a good solution.

inspirespirit

No-one has told the OP to let her kids rule their lives. However, she has stated that the stepfather has little to do with her children (or his own to that matter), so they are not moving as a 'family unit' with the 'family' in mind. They are moving because he wants to. Otherwise, no-one in their right mind would give up a job to take a lot less pay where the wife will also lose her pay, to move to another Country and need topping up with benefits. It just does not make economical sense. So they are not going because of the husband's job. They are going so he can pursue his hobby with a wage. They will be worse off financially.
If her husband had a brilliant relationship with both her kids and he was moving for a promotion with more money, then I would say, absolutely jump at it.
That is not the case
No point saying it won't affect the kids, because it is a fact that it will. Divorce and having step-parents do undoubtedly affect the kids.

I moved 120 miles away with my husband, away from family and friends and took my 8 year old son (who by the way, my husband had little time for). It had a huge affect on my son. He didn't have the same accent as the other kids in the school and was bullied unmercifically. Add to that the husband had no time for him, and he no longer got to see his friends, grandparents, aunts, uncles. He was massively affected. He lost his hair. He then came down with an auto immune disease (which I now know can be brought on by stress).
Crux of the matter (isn't hindsight wonderful). My, (then) husband was a control freak and moving us away from family and friends is, apparently, a common thing for controllers. I also had a house and when we moved (cos he had been helping out financially), I had his name put on the new house.

It all went t..ts up. I am now in a housing association house with my son who is now permanently disabled.

I would not move my family for a bloke for all the tea in China. When the OP first started talking, it reminded me of my situation. I didn't say anything at first but tried to find out what the relationship was like between her kids and her husband. Soon as she said he had said 'there is no compromise', and that he had little to do with her kids, my alarm bells rang.

weeze210

I have had a walk into town with my daughter and we have chatted. She really doesn't know what she wants to do. One minute she's on about getting a flat share and what she's going to buy food wise and the next she on about what people will think of her trench coat and big boots in wales.
I think my son will love it in Wales once he settles in and kids make new friends really quickly. I moved to my present house when my older son was 6 and my daughter was 4. I was a single parent escaping an abusive and controlling relationship. I had no idea how I would cope on my own and how the kids would adjust as the elder one had settled in school and the younger one had only been there a term. But we managed and I'm so glad I moved.
If my daughters dad could just have her during termtime it would be a brilliant solution. I've had her for 14yrs and he's only had her when it suited him. He claims there is no room for her but he is about to move into a 3 bedroomed house. My eldest son lives with him at the moment but he only agreed to have him because he is on a low income and so could claim working and child tax credits. My son has been there for nearly 2 years, my ex has now found himself a girlfriend who is lovely hence the move from a 2 bed council flat to a 3 bed private house.

Weeze x

weeze210

My husband is a lovely man and not controlling at all. I have been there and there is no comparison. He took on all 3 of my kids when we got together, they were just 4, 10 and 12. He took over paying all the bills, including the mortgage and has never told me what to do. Even if I ask him he always says its my decision. I think me being married and happy is better than when I was alone and misserable or married before and scared, surely this is better also for the kids. I'm hoping when he is around more he might spend more time with my son and they might find a common hobby. He is a lovely man and would do anything for me. He has said many times that if I change my mind we won't go, but now we have looked into it and made a decision if we change our mind there will always be the 'What if?'

Weeze x

inspirespirit

your last post sounds a lot more positive and your situation definitely doesn't sound like mine anymore.

I hope it all goes well for you.

Gigervamp

We moved to Wales when my son was 9. He settled in quickly and made new friends, but he did get stick from some kids for being English, so I think you need to be prepared for that.

What's the transport situation? Are there regular buses and trains, or will you be needed as a taxi service?

clearing_out_my_pockets

weeze210 wrote: »

I'm hoping when he is around more he might spend more time with my son and they might find a common hobby.

Are you sure he will be around more? Since his job will now indulge his hobby, is there not the chance that the month long motorbike tours might become more of a habit?

weeze210 wrote: »

He has said many times that if I change my mind we won't go, but now we have looked into it and made a decision if we change our mind there will always be the 'What if?'

Your daughter might end up asking herself the same question if she doesn't finish her course.

quantumleap

I've read this thread with interest as I was a 10 year old boy once (long time ago) with a step Dad who had little time for me - it never really changed to be honest.

Whilst I wouldn't dream of lecturing you on what you should or shouldn't do, it does seem to me that you have avoided (perhaps intentionally) commenting on the details that really should form the crux of your decision, namely.

Why does you OH not have any time for your son? Why would that suddenly change in Wales?

Also, regardless of how much your OH has put into YOUR house, the house should still be passed to your kids and not him - of course make sure he has a share if need be but if something happened to you and he doesn't have time for them now - what happens then? Have you even considered that? It almost sounds as though you are thinking of him before them. I'm sure that isn't the case but it does sound like that at times in this post!

I wish you well with your decision (although you've cleary already made it and are not for turning). I don't envy you but I do feel a little sorry for your kids to be honest.

Goos Luck.

shell_girl

Which part of Wales are you moving to?

We're not as completely rural as some posters would have you believe :eek:

I heard a rumor that some places in Wales already have electricity :rotfl:

inspirespirit

viktory wrote: »

There are a lot of strong opinions on this thread and a lot of assumptions being made. This is dangerous. We don't know the OP, her circumstances or what her relationship is like with her husband and children. We should not be telling the OP what to do (move, don't move, delay, rent...) I am only surprised we've not had a 'I'd kick him out!' post. OP, you have to do what is right for you and your family - all of them. Yes, your son will be upset but he will get over it. He will make new friends. I agree that moving now, before he starts 'big' school is sensible. Your daughter will also get over the upheaval of a move.

Please, don't let complete strangers on an Internet forum decide for you. Talk to your family. Go and visit the area again, get a feel for it. If you choose to move, do it wholeheartedly and with enthusiasm. If you choose not to move, make sure everyone fully understands why.

Good luck.

I would have thought when you read the part that her husband is taking a lower paid job and she is giving up her job, therefore they will be subsidised by Benefits, you would have been on her like a seagull on a chip. :rotfl::rotfl:

This board never ceases to amaze me.