Very upset son because we are moving, help?

weeze210

I don't know what to do!

Caroline_a

I moved when my 2 younger girls were 10 and 16. The 16 year old didnt want to go, lots of moaning and huffing and puffing, didnt want to leave her school, friends, part time job, hobbies, etc etc. 2 weeks in, older daughter came to me and said 'you were right and I was wrong, mum'. Her new friends were 'wonderful', her new part time job paid twice what the old one had, and she loved the school she'd moved to. The younger one took to it like a duck to water, and I have to say that I felt and still feel that they have done far better since the move (15 years ago now!) than they would have, had we stayed where we were.

BitterAndTwisted

The decision to move has been made. It's understandable that the 10 year old is viewing this with trepidation but he'll get over it as long as you show that you understand why he is feeling frightened by such a radical change and the prospect of leaving everything behind that was familiar and safe. I moved with my family every three years or so and left friends behind all the time. The positive side of that was that I acquired the facility of being able to adapt to change and make new friends along the way.

gettingbackontrack

weeze210 wrote: »

I don't know what to do!

OP, is it too late to delay your move for a year? It would allow your daughter to finish her course at least. Her father has found a new family and won't have her to liev with him, her mother found a new man who doesn't care at all what happens to her (it seems) and now her home is being sold from under her and she's either homless or isolated, in a place where she's not wanted,w ith nowhere to go each day and no plans for the future.

Your son's situation may not change much but if you and he spend maybe every other weekend in the Welsh village with your husband he'll start to make friends and see all the advantages of being in such an amazing place.

If it's too late to delay, can you talk to friends about this? Would a friend let your daughter stay with them until she finishes her course? It just doesn't feel right that she has to give up her course because her [reluctant] stepfather wants to pursue his hobby "while he's young enough". If she's immature for her age, he sounds even more immature.....

Sorry to be so harsh. I really want this work out for you.

Careful_with_that_Axe

I'm glad that you are recognising how upset your son is and strongly suggest it REALLY is something you need to address.

When I was young, my family moved almost every 2 years, including abroad, for my Dad's job. It unsettled me a great deal. Once they realised this, the the way my parents chose to deal with this was to just not tell me what was happening - just about the worst approach possible.

I'm in my 40s now and have been left with an immense need for security in terms of the roof over my head and moving house is a major emotional issue for me that has big fall out in terms of my mental health. Unfortunately, my circumstances have meant I have had to move frequently as an adult.

If you don't address this now and deal with it the best way possible for your son, you could be setting him up with insecurity problems for life.

ETA: I would suggest involving a child in decision about a move early on, generate excitement rather than fear and resentment over it, take them to the new area prior to buying and find things to show them that they will love, take their suggestions about houses etc and take them seriously.

Amanda65

I think you have to do what you feel is right for your family, and if you genuinely believe that they will have a better life in Wales take the plunge and go for it, despite their reservations. All children fear change and the unknown and sometimes you DO have to be the adult and take control of a situation.

However - I am concerned at your OH's apparent lack of interaction with your children and the 'it's all about me doing what I can because I can' attitude. I feel very sorry for him if he was in a suffocating and controlling marriage, but then maybe it would have been better for him to not get involved with someone with children - and much younger ones than his own - if he really wanted to have the chance to spend time on himself. That isn't meant to be a criticism of your OH, and I know you can't help who you fall in love with, but having become part of your family he should have accepted that your children will always come first.

As one other poster said, could you not put the move off for a year. This would allow your DD to complete her college course and DS to go up to secondary school where there will no doubt be children from different feeder schools joining together so he won't be the only new starter. I really am not one for 'pandering' to children's whims and ultimately believe the decision is yours, but this would seem like a compromise and give everyone the opportunity to spend more time in the area, getting to know people and get a proper feel for the surroundings.

weeze210

it's either now or never.
Why is life so hard?

Amanda65

weeze210 wrote: »

it's either now or never.
Why is life so hard?

Because of the job or for some other reason?

Lunar_Eclipse

Two thoughts:

1) Offer your son comfort, acknowledge his feelings and discuss how he can cope with specific fears (eg making new friends)

but also

2) Be careful to balance this by not making it a big deal and feeding his fears, because you know he will be fine.

Children are very adaptable. The advantage of moving now is that it gives him time to make some friends before moving on to secondary school, but from his point of view, it would be much easier moving in a year's time, when everyone else does.

I moved loads as a child. And wish I still could!

RAS

weeze210 wrote: »

it's either now or never.

For what reason? Could OH not rent near the new job for a year and then you and the children join him next summer, when they have both reached a natural break in their education? Spend holidays with him and some weekends so that the family get to meet local people?