Very upset son because we are moving, help?

weeze210

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

Hmm, this isn't easy. But it doesn't sit very well that your husband dislikes his job and want s to do his hobby fulltime so the response is to uproot the entire family and take them to an alien place where they will be isolated (any public transport?), lonely (any people their age in this small village) and apart from everything they've always known.

It worries me that you say yous son gets on "OK" with your husband. That doesn't sound good. Neither does sound good that your husband has spent many weekends away at this place in Wales. what about spending time as a family? From what you've said, it doesn't sound like there is much of a family life at all.

Do you work? Have you got a new job to go to? You're prepared to give up your friends and family to spend "quality time" with your husband but the thing that has stopped that happening in the past wasn't a difficulty - it was his hobby. He made that choice because he wanted to do it. Not to help the family or to bond with your children, but to entertain himself. Did you all ever go with him to Wales on these weekends?

Now you are choosing to uproot your children to fit in with his plans. I'm afraid "coming back to visit" his friends means nothing - he's been taken away to a new life that's not of his choosing for one reason and one reason only (from what you say) - to make his stepfather happy. You say very little about your daughter which troubles me because she still needs a mother's support. Where will she live? Is she at college? Does she have a job?

But you need to find a solution. Are there family members your children can live with - grandparents, aunts, uncles, which allow them stability in their lives, if they are so unhappy at the move? PArt of being a parent is doign what's best for your children - your husband seems to be behaving like a single man who can up sticks without a care in the world (I may be reading this wrong) but he isn't. There are several people to consider and I'm not sure it's fair to sacrifice those other people for the wellbeing of one person.

My daughter is at college doing childcare. We have looked at colleges there and they don't do the B'Tec course she is on. She has done one yr of A levels and failed because she couldn't be bother to do the work or even turn up half the time, she is a bright girl and did well at school. So she changed to childcare at the last minute of the summer holidays. We had problems to start with as the college contacted me at the end of the 1st tern to tell me she was behind and not even turning up half the time. She was leaving here and going for the bus at 7.30 in the morning and then spending mornings or whole days in the library near college. She has buckled down now and is doing ok. In wales she would have to start again as they do CACHE courses. At the moment she has just finished the 1st yr of a 2 yr course. I have asked her dad if she could stay with him term time but he said no. My family all live to far from the college for it to be viable for her to live with any of them.

Weeze x

scheming_gypsy

How far is it from your current house? is it close enough for you to arrange a party for his old friends to stay over?
As he's 10 he'll be leaving that school soon anyway; so if you can arrange for his friends to come over during the holiday he'll realise that he's not leaving everything behind and still has his friends.

weeze210

gettingbackontrack wrote: »

You're right - it will be a better life for you all in terms of outdoor living etc but it does seem that this move has been geared to fit in with what your husband wants. What if he decises he hates this job too? Where will you go then?

The move sounds a very good thing but - and I'm only going on what you've posted - it does seem your husband doesn't have much interaction with your children. Why hasn't he bonded with your son after three years? Where does your daughter fit in? What will she be able to do in this small place? I feel for you but I do think you and your husband need to consider your children and what this means for them, I don't mean you shouldn't go but can you get your daughter a small car to give her independence? Can you invite some of their freinds over immediately (it's school holidays) so theya re not alone? They may feel they are being dragged along because your husband wants this and their feelings don't count.

You're right my husband doesn't have much to do with my kids. He has two daughters of his own aged 21 and 23 and doesn't really have much to do with them either. They both live about 40 mins away and we only see them when they contact him because they want something. My husband was in a really bad marriage and wasn't allowed friends or hobbies so he says he needs to do everything now while he is still young and fit enough, he's 45.
I work just 12.5 hrs a week at the moment so I would be giving this up. Will look for a job when I get to Wales though.
We are only able to even consider moving as we don't have a mortgage here as I had skin cancer a couple of yrs ago so my critical illness insurance paid it off. Otherwise we would never have been able to afford it.

Weeze x

gettingbackontrack

weeze210 wrote: »

My daughter is at college doing childcare. We have looked at colleges there and they don't do the B'Tec course she is on. She has done one yr of A levels and failed because she couldn't be bother to do the work or even turn up half the time, she is a bright girl and did well at school. So she changed to childcare at the last minute of the summer holidays. We had problems to start with as the college contacted me at the end of the 1st tern to tell me she was behind and not even turning up half the time. She was leaving here and going for the bus at 7.30 in the morning and then spending mornings or whole days in the library near college. She has buckled down now and is doing ok. In wales she would have to start again as they do CACHE courses. At the moment she has just finished the 1st yr of a 2 yr course. I have asked her dad if she could stay with him term time but he said no. My family all live to far from the college for it to be viable for her to live with any of them.

Weeze x

So her dad doesn't want her and having started to turn her life around she work hard, she'll have to go back to the beginning and start a different course? No wonder she's not very happy. How far away will her college be in Wales? Will she be able to get there each day (buses)? When would she have to register? What about funding?

I'm trying not to be critical because you obviously care a lot for your children but it does sound as if they're somewhat of an afterthought. I may be wrong but she's probably feeling abandoned - she will have to leave her course to facilitate your husband's wish to be happier at work. She may be 18 but she's still your little girl. When this move was first proposed, was it expected she'd stay and continue in college, or was it assumed she'd fall inwith his plans even though they disrupt her education. I wonder how well she gets on with her stepfather too.

weeze210

scheming_gypsy wrote: »

How far is it from your current house? is it close enough for you to arrange a party for his old friends to stay over?
As he's 10 he'll be leaving that school soon anyway; so if you can arrange for his friends to come over during the holiday he'll realise that he's not leaving everything behind and still has his friends.

It takes an hour and 40 mins to get to our new house from our old house. One of his friends is the son of my oldest friend, we grew up together, so they will definately be over to stay.

Weeze x

gettingbackontrack

weeze210 wrote: »

You're right my husband doesn't have much to do with my kids. He has two daughters of his own aged 21 and 23 and doesn't really have much to do with them either. They both live about 40 mins away and we only see them when they contact him because they want something. My husband was in a really bad marriage and wasn't allowed friends or hobbies so he says he needs to do everything now while he is still young and fit enough, he's 45.

Ah, this seems to be the crux of the matter. He wants to do what HE wants but he's not 20 and single, is he? Thera re other people to consider. It sounds like you've both had a very difficult time, but I'm feeling very much that your childen are being disrupted for his pleasure. They have to slot into his lifestyle and it must be difficult for them to see their lives being dismantled for his hobby. Your son is young enough to settle after his initial upset (though I seriously worry what longer term effects the lack of relationship with his stepfather will have) but I think your daughter's situation is very worrying.

[Deleted User]

Have u looked into the community in the area u are moving to? We had a chance to move to Wales when my older son was 8.., but he already had problems socially in England.., we were warned there would be problems integrating in North Wales, the area we were moving to. Will your children be able to cope with being told to 'go back to England' at the drop of a hat (honestly, I have relatives in Wales, this is the usual)?

Altho we could have made a fortune from this contract in Wales.., we backed out. We have suffered financially ever since.., but its not a decision I regret. It would have been totally wrong for my son. There are times when u have to move ahead with a decision u know your children will be unhappy with temporarily, but will be able to get used to the consequences with time.., it may even be a good move in the long term in spite of their reluctance in the short term. But it could also be a bad fit for your children. Only u can assess that.

Does your son like the same activities as your husband? It all seems to be based around what your husband likes, rather than what your children like/need/want.

Surely its possible for your husband to find a job that he likes elsewhere? Or continue with a hobby as a hobby. I am very very sorry.., but not sure its right to disrupt your children as much as this to make up for his previous bad marriage. He can't be conmpensated for the lost time doing what he wanted to do.., and well, what happened in his previous marriage is nothing to do with your children. Why should they and you suffer for it?

PLEASE try and stand back and think this through very carefully.

Also.., something I have learned.., there could be a pattern here.., did your husband really have no chance to do the hobbies etc he wanted to do in his previous marriage? You may only be hearing one side of the story.., is it possible that the same pattern happened then, that he wanted to go off and do something that would have caused major disruptions to family life and the ex said no? I am sorry, I know this is probably upsetting to read and not what u expected when u posted but often unrecognised patterns do exist. It would really bother me that I was with a man who had little relationship with his daughters, and little relationship with my children.., it can't always be down to the children.., all relationships are a dynamic.., six of one and half a dozen of the other.

abacus73

weeze210 wrote: »

think it suddenly dawned on him what was happening as he only has 2 more days at this school.
I hate to see my son so upset, I want to help him.:(

Weeze x

Moving can be very unsettling and upsetting for kids. Is your current home the only one he has ever lived at? If it is then everything that feels safe and secure to him will be linked to the place.

Children are very adaptable to change. They may resist it and kick up a fuss at first but when it comes to it they cope. Just keep speaking very positively about your new home, how nice the new school is and the opportunity to make new friends. Keep reiterating that you will come back and visit so he knows this move does not mean losing everything that he loves.

Hope it goes well for you.

zzzLazyDaisy

OP, would it not be possible to delay the move for one year so that your daughter can complete her education and be in a position to find work and make some choices for herself?

It sounds to me that the whole family - including you - are making enormous sacrifices for someone who has little time or thought for anyone but himself.

balletshoes

The only thing you have posted here that concerned me a little was the comment about your kids being the most important thing to you, but they will soon be gone and then where will you be? Your son is only half way through his childhood, and realistically they will be your kids for the rest of your life.

My DD is 10, we have occasionally talked to her about our home and city not necessarily being where we will always live, and as she gets older the less she likes the idea of moving anywhere. Don't get me wrong, if it was the right thing for us to do as a family, we would do it. However, my DD is a city suburb kid through and through, and moving her to a village setting, while it would be unsettling at first at 10, would be a nightmare at 18 (I lived on a farm as a teenager, couldn't wait to get out of there as there is no social life unless your parents can taxi you everywhere - and who wants that at 16plus?).

One other thing, about his current friends - I think its great that when you move, until he starts at his new school, you arrange for him to be as much a part of his friends' summer as you can, while encouraging him to find the local lads too. But once he starts at his new school, don't be surprised if his old friends don't have much in common with him and don't make much effort to keep in touch.
One of my DD's good friends all through primary school was abroad for almost all of the last school year, she came back about 4 weeks before the end of term, and while she still wants to be best friends with my DD, my DD has had to move on and find other friends while she was gone. Its sad, but they no longer have that much in common, and I don't think they'll ever be as good friends again as they once were.

If as a family (and I think this is important for you to consider because your husband doesn't appear to bother that much about having a relationship with your children) you think this move is the right thing for everyone, then you will need to be very supportive of your children - as they are the ones who will be most unsettled by the move, and feel as though they have no control over the situation.