Very upset son because we are moving, help?

warehouse

I'll be honest here O.P. and say I wouldn't move. It's going to be hard for your 10 year old lad, it's going to be 10 times harder for your 18 year old daughter. Your focus seems to be in the wrong place, you need to talk to your Daughter.

Good luck either way.

inspirespirit

warehouse wrote: »

I'll be honest here O.P. and say I wouldn't move. It's going to be hard for your 10 year old lad, it's going to be 10 times harder for your 18 year old daughter. Your focus seems to be in the wrong place, you need to talk to your Daughter.

Good luck either way.

phew !! glad you said it. It is what I was thinking but didn't want to actually say it, because it is something that I did and was the worst decision of my life.
I would never move to support a man again. Your children and their happiness have to be utmost. You can always find another man, you cannot replace your children.
You are taking them away from their home, their friends and their family.
Also, your husband's attitude of 'their is no compromise' is worrying. Cos there is always compromise. For instance you could have rented your home out instead of selling. You could have moved and rented temporarily to see how everyone settled, instead of this 'fait accompli'.

rachbc

Threebabes wrote: »

Being the adult you have to decide whats best for him, whether he likes it or not.

Thats the think the move isn't being made based on whats best for him -its being made on the basis of whats best for his step dad and not the other 3 people in the family. You are moving to a tiny village with 42 houses with a 18 yo and an almost teen? What is there to do for them now, and in a few years time when hes a teenager? Can your 18 yo old drive or will you be spending half your life ferrying them around to places where there are things to do/ people to meet? What about secondary school for him - he'll have to work hard now to make freinds in primary for a year or 2 then move up and do it all all over again...

DaisyFlower

warehouse wrote: »

I'll be honest here O.P. and say I wouldn't move. It's going to be hard for your 10 year old lad, it's going to be 10 times harder for your 18 year old daughter. Your focus seems to be in the wrong place, you need to talk to your Daughter.

Good luck either way.

I agree, he's already had to adjust to having a new adult in his life over which he gets no choice and is now being moved from everything that has been stable in his life as the new partner wants it.

The fact that your husband says "there is no compromise" would make me question the whole relationship. Relationships are about compromise especially when there are children involved..

Lotus-eater

inspirespirit wrote: »

Also, your husband's attitude of 'their is no compromise' is worrying. Cos there is always compromise. For instance you could have rented your home out instead of selling. You could have moved and rented temporarily to see how everyone settled, instead of this 'fait accompli'.

It wasn't just her husbands view, she said "as my husband says" which is pretty much the case. Either they move, or they don't.
Your idea of renting was probably a better one, but it seems to be a little late for that now, unless the sales haven't gone through and even then they may lose alot of money pulling out now.

robpw2

warehouse wrote: »

I'll be honest here O.P. and say I wouldn't move. It's going to be hard for your 10 year old lad, it's going to be 10 times harder for your 18 year old daughter. Your focus seems to be in the wrong place, you need to talk to your Daughter.

Good luck either way.

at 18 i would have been ecstatic that my parents were moving away - however i understand what your saying

op what do you want to do .... are you moving because you feel forced

heretolearn_2

I think every child reacts in this way if they are happy where they are. You aren't doing anything dreadful to him and he isn't going through anything thousands of children go through every year. Of course you still have to be sympathetic about it, but there's no need to start feeling guilty at all (as I can hear that sneaking in).

Moving to an area with secure work IS a good decision for everyone in the family.

gettingbackontrack

Hmm, this isn't easy. But it doesn't sit very well that your husband dislikes his job and want s to do his hobby fulltime so the response is to uproot the entire family and take them to an alien place where they will be isolated (any public transport?), lonely (any people their age in this small village) and apart from everything they've always known.

It worries me that you say yous son gets on "OK" with your husband. That doesn't sound good. Neither does sound good that your husband has spent many weekends away at this place in Wales. what about spending time as a family? From what you've said, it doesn't sound like there is much of a family life at all.

Do you work? Have you got a new job to go to? You're prepared to give up your friends and family to spend "quality time" with your husband but the thing that has stopped that happening in the past wasn't a difficulty - it was his hobby. He made that choice because he wanted to do it. Not to help the family or to bond with your children, but to entertain himself. Did you all ever go with him to Wales on these weekends?

Now you are choosing to uproot your children to fit in with his plans. I'm afraid "coming back to visit" his friends means nothing - he's been taken away to a new life that's not of his choosing for one reason and one reason only (from what you say) - to make his stepfather happy. You say very little about your daughter which troubles me because she still needs a mother's support. Where will she live? Is she at college? Does she have a job?

But you need to find a solution. Are there family members your children can live with - grandparents, aunts, uncles, which allow them stability in their lives, if they are so unhappy at the move? PArt of being a parent is doign what's best for your children - your husband seems to be behaving like a single man who can up sticks without a care in the world (I may be reading this wrong) but he isn't. There are several people to consider and I'm not sure it's fair to sacrifice those other people for the wellbeing of one person.

weeze210

:question:It will be a better life for all of us.
The school he is going to is in the same grounds as the secondary school. The secondary school is so much better than the one he would have gone to here. Its a few hundred pupils smaller and offers much better in and out of school activities. They have their own mountain bike track and climbing wall. They do power kiting which is something my husband was into when we met, so there is a bonding activity. They offer farming lessons which my son liked the sound of.
We did look into renting at first but couldn't find anywhere to rent in the area we wanted. I also didn't really want to rent this house out as I've heard so many terrible storys about bad tennants.
My children are my first priority but they'll soon leave home then what would I be left with?
This estate isn't too bad, I've seen worse, but at the end of the day it's a council estate with lots of problems, crime, graffiti, kids hanging about, lots of unemployment, drink, drugs ect. I want my kids to have fresh air and excercise and experience more than x-boxes and hanging around on street corners getting into trouble.
I think I'm even more confused now!

Weeze x

gettingbackontrack

You're right - it will be a better life for you all in terms of outdoor living etc but it does seem that this move has been geared to fit in with what your husband wants. What if he decises he hates this job too? Where will you go then?

The move sounds a very good thing but - and I'm only going on what you've posted - it does seem your husband doesn't have much interaction with your children. Why hasn't he bonded with your son after three years? Where does your daughter fit in? What will she be able to do in this small place? I feel for you but I do think you and your husband need to consider your children and what this means for them, I don't mean you shouldn't go but can you get your daughter a small car to give her independence? Can you invite some of their freinds over immediately (it's school holidays) so theya re not alone? They may feel they are being dragged along because your husband wants this and their feelings don't count.