lies lies and more lies

Ames

OP, do you keep telling him he needs a better job and that he's not doing well enough? Even though he's happy there? If so he might feel like a failure, and playing the game gives him a sense of achievement.

I have to agree with the others, you met him through the game so it's not really fair to expect him to stop playing. I met my ex through a game (a RL one though) and he spent most weekends off all over the country playing in tournaments, it wouldn't have occurred to me to suggest he stopped though because I knew from the start that that was his thing.

burnoutbabe

i don't get it - you knew he was on the pc all night anyway, so what does it matter if he was playing this game or just surfing MSE, it wasn't like he was spending time "with you" anyway (nor to be honest were you spending any quality time with him if he was on the pc anyway, which you knew about and didn't complain about until you knew what he was doing)

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

must_try_harder wrote: »

Are you saying that it is acceptable to lie to your partner if the reason for doing so is to stop them nagging you? Seriously?

If the OP is nagging him about every other aspect of his life and generally making him feel down (knowing he has depression already) then yes, I can understand why he has lied. I havent said it is right to lie, I've said its no wonder he has been lying about it if he knew she was going to explode. Poor bloke gets enough aggro for everything else he probably wanted some peace ande quiet.

i_hate_liars wrote: »

So all this is my own fault? Trust YOU to say something like that. I don't value your opinion so i will ignore it.

If you honestly think that he hasn't lied i feel sorry for you.

That's a bit harsh considering dont you think? Careful now, your woe is me facade is slipping

Missus_Aka

Strange that you didnt mind him being on the computer when you thought it was sports but now you know its a game its an addiction?

He is not right by lying but gaging your reaction maybe he did it for a quiet life, splitting up? because he wants to spend time gaming? there must be serious underlying issues in your relationship if you would throw away your family for this, hes not cheating, you havent mentioned any violence, you say he is a good man, you love him, he has a job, you have a child together. Considering your posts maybe he is scared of saying what he wants to you.....

If he is depressed maybe that is why he has taken comfort in this gaming world away from reality, it will not help his depression tossing things around about splitting up, never trusting him again, not being able to marry him etc.

Sit down and tell him you are feeling neglected and would like maybe a date night free from any gaming have a meal and watch a film.

I also hate people lying so i do partly understand your position tell him not to hide it from you, keep no secrets from this day forward from you...but when he does tell you dont throw it back in his face or nag him about how long he is spending etc because then he may feel the need to hide it more to keep a peaceful atmosphere

Im not trying to be hard on you but nobody is perfect not you and not your oh, see the best in him he hasnt done this to hurt you

pigpen

i_hate_liars wrote: »

So all this is my own fault? Trust YOU to say something like that. I don't value your opinion so i will ignore it.

If you honestly think that he hasn't lied i feel sorry for you.

Partly your fault yes, but partly his for not telling you to get lost when you first commanded him to stop playing then feeling he has to sneakily play a game he enjoys.. you treated him as a child expecting him to do as he is told.. then you whine when he 'disobeys'.. You may be able to tell your children what to do but another adult has rights and is to be treated with respect, especially one you are married to.

Have you seen how many times you say what it is YOU want .. have you any idea what HE wants in all this?

He might love his supermarket work, he clearly enjoys this game, he plays with his son so enjoys that... he doesn't spend time with you or do housework (I don't do housework if I can get out of it either, same as lots and lots of others) ... that in itself speaks volumes.

I won't believe what he has done is wrong against you.. you wronged him, and while 2 wrongs don't make a right this situation is something you both have to discuss and find a compromise to.. and I don't think banning him from playing is the way forward..

Why feel sorry for me I play whatever computer game I like? I feel sorry for your OH.

And saying my opinion is not worthy of your value to me means I am quite probably correct and just jumped on a raw nerve.. just because people don't agree with you doesn't make them wrong.

Wickedkitten

By your own admission, you didn't know he has been playing for 15 months which means he must have cut back a hell of a lot from playing it until 5am, no?

Put yourself in his shoes, you say you want the happy ending but would you want to stay with someone who nags you all the time?

He tells me he plays it when hes really stressed about life as its an escapism, SO hes been playing it alot especially since his parents were last over feb or march i think as hes been so stressed about the situation.

Like you said, he's been playing it for 15 months as a form of escapism

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

OP - why is it you only seem to reply when someone agrees with you? Have you blocked everyone who disagrees?

Bambywamby

Your hubby sounds like he is stressed/depressed and uses gaming as an alternate non-stressful world to escape into. The lies he has told you (from what you have said) are lies to make his life easier so he doesn't have to deal with hours of nagging about him being on the game or (regarding the cheques) he doesn't want to spend days fighting with you and/or his parents trying to get you both to get along...he is escaping from reality rather than dealing with it.

I don't think he has deliberately tried to hurt you by lying but he has tried to protect himself and in the process upset you greatly - top and bottom of it - he might not be able to deal with confrontation.

You need to handle the matter in a non-confrontational yet firm manner (just like you do children.)
You need to sit and talk - explain how his actions have made you feel but do it in a way that allows him to explain his reasons back to you rather than leaving him feeling like he has to justify every action or inaction he takes. By over-reacting you are proving him correct...if he tells you anything you don't like to hear, it brings him a whole load of grief and stress.
I think you sound the more action orientated person in the relationship so I think it is generally up to you to settle the ship back down. Explain to him that you will not be lied to and in the future no matter what the fall out he must be truthful (as I say to my DP, we can sort out anything if it is the truth as we have a starting point which to work from...if you lie then anything built on top of that lie is all damaged matter and erodes the relationship.)
Then deal with the gaming. If he isn't chatting up other women on the site or spending a fortune, let him have his hobby but make sure it doesn't encroach on family/couple time. Hobbies are meant to be pass time fillers not obsessions. My DP likes to play on Call of Duty for hours at a time and I don't care (I like to spend that time doing my thing)...as long as it is in spare time and doesn't come before me, the family, work etc

If he does hate his job but is procrastinating to do anything about it (another sign of depression - it's a good thing he is seeing his doctor) sit down with him and go through ads, help him print out letters and CVs, go together to the post box. Yes, it is like having a young teenager to guide through the employment maze but if you love him, he loves you and he treats you well...he is worth that bit of extra emotional support.
However, I am not saying EVER be a mug or let disrespectful behaviour slide by but just try and be a more more understanding to the "Whys" of his behaviour before you decide to verbally/physically/emotionally put him through the ringer.

Good luck. x x x x

dirtysexymonkey

i think the op is scared that if he plays the game hell meet someone new. someone who isnt completely barmy!

onlyroz

The problem here isn't the game - it's the fact that he felt he had to lie about it. I don't think I'd get very far if I tried to "ban" my husband from playing his games, but on the other hand I think I'd be justifiably peed off if he played it to the detriment of our family life. I think compromises are needed - and I don't see a problem with a person spending a few hours a day pursuing whatever hobby they want (so long as it's legal and isn't prohibitively expensive).

Sounds like you need a proper talk with your husband, to find out why he felt the need to lie about his gaming, and to uncover any other problems he might be having with depression or whatever. I can sympathise if you feel he's not putting in the effort to find a better job, but nagging him about it is the wrong way to go. You need to try and find out his feelings on the matter without coming across as the nagging wife - but instead approach it from the point of view of trying to help him achieve his ambitions.