lies lies and more lies

marywooyeah

sounds like he has cut done a lot, and whilst I understand you are disappointed that he hasnt got a "better" job has it occured to you that he may be depressed and is using the game as a way to blow off steam?
I'm very academic and cut down my gaming whilst at uni, and over last summer I played viva pinata to death - I spent 3-4 hours a night on it when I had done my housework and baby was in bed. There was a tracker on the game where it ticked off everytime you changed an animal's colour (each one had 3 colours and different ways to change them) and tracked all the ones you make visit, reside and romance. my OH laughed, but accepted it was what I enjoyed, and I kept playing until I got all the awards for each animal.
you say your OH has jumped up many levels - perhaps he sees this as an achievement in itself? I certainly did - my husband used to say that even when I was playing I was working! sounds like your OH is combining escapism with something he enjoys and feels like he is achieving something on.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Errata wrote: »

Clearly you believe that an addiction to playing computer games, which is what's happening here by the look of it, is not a health matter.

It's an assumption this is an addiction. OP has already stated he goes to work, spends time with the child, away from the computer. He isnt playing all night and only in he evening. So how is it damaging his health?

Ok, so his eye sight might get a bit poor from staring at screen for a few hours (He'd get same from watching TV with the OP btw) and he might get RSI (Which he could get from using till at work)

He's getting a few hours away from real life (which seems to consist of work, arguing and nagging) in the evening. He isnt shooting needles into his arm or burning crack on a spoon so on the whole, no, i dont think this is damaging his health. Damaging his relationship with OP, yes, but health, no

meer53

If you stopped nagging him, just ignored him and got on with doing your own thing, he'd probably stop playing the stupid game. Then you'll find out how important it is to him. He sounds depressed to me. You won't be helping him by making him feel guilty for just playing a game. I too think you're overreacting. To have any sort of job in todays market is not something to be looked down on. Poor bloke.

i_hate_liars

January20 wrote: »

OP< I agree with you. What is the point of getting a degree, getting into 20K of debt and not try to get a better job? Is he scared of the rejections? Does he lack confidence in his abilities? Would he rather stay in his current job because he doesn't want anymore responsibility? Financially, do you need him to be in a better job? (You don't have to answer this one on the forum, perhaps just to yourself?)

Yes, he has no self confidence. He hates his current job and does want a better one. He is depressed and i have begged him to get help over this but he has previously refused. He has now agreed to go to the doctor and seek help which is good. Yes we absoloutely need him to be in a better job we have alot of joint debt.

I should probably mention this was his second degree. He went to uni when he left school then decided at the second year it was not what he wanted to do and left. Can you see why i am now so frustrated? Been to uni twice and now has a degree along with all the debt to go with it but doesn't make the effort to even look for a better job.

Pee

I think it can be quite hard to apply for graduate level jobs whilst working. The application forms can be pretty complicated, but then, there shouldn't be too many jobs around for him to apply for so he should be able to complete one a week.

I can see why you are annoyed with him, and the lying makes you feel hurt, even though of all the things he could lie about this has to be about the best - not !!!!!!, not drugs, not gambling - and it sounds like he is a good father and a good man, so lots worth fighting for, with talking and or counselling. At the moment you don't feel like you are a team or that you are pulling together.

I think you need to talk about what you expect from him, and this could be that you expect him to spend an hour on chores each evening, an hour job hunting and then the remainder of the evening he is free to play the game or catch up with sports, but you would like to know when he is playing the game and in exchange you won't nag him. (In fact if I was you I'd mention how proud you are of him a couple of days in if he is making an effort with the job search.)

Lots of people watch tv all night without talking, I'm quite likely to stick my head in a book myself and before all the chores are done... if you want to spend time talking, maybe a date night is a good idea?

Pee

I'm glad he has agreed to see the Dr about depression.

Sambucus_Nigra

i_hate_liars wrote: »

All i want is the effort.

So, set him a target of 5 appropriate job applications a week and give him an hour a day to apply for them when the computer is set up at a desk with a printer and there are no distractions.

Sometimes, you have to just 'make it happen' than nag; and to set the scene to make it easier.

ie - I'll stop going on about it if you make 5 good relevant applications a week.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

I never said i couldnt see why you was annoyed with him, but exploding at him over a computer game isnt the way to do it. From your posts i get that your quite controlling (I might be wrong obviously) and him spending hours on a game might be a reaction to that. You dont get along with his parents, so he's in the middle of it. He's depressed, but you nag him, making him feel bad - so he goes on a game that he's GOOD at to feel better and to release some stress. You state he has no self confidence - so, thinking about it - Where is he getting his praise from? Your nagging him, there's areguments with his family - yet he can go on a computer, get higher and higher up on the game - THATS the achievement he is getting. If you have joint debts (alot) have you considered going going on a payment plan or even bankrupt? The DFW board on MSE can advise better

January20

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I never said i couldnt see why you was annoyed with him, but exploding at him over a computer game isnt the way to do it. From your posts i get that your quite controlling (I might be wrong obviously) and him spending hours on a game might be a reaction to that. You dont get along with his parents, so he's in the middle of it. He's depressed, but you nag him, making him feel bad - so he goes on a game that he's GOOD at to feel better and to release some stress. You state he has no self confidence - so, thinking about it - Where is he getting his praise from? Your nagging him, there's areguments with his family - yet he can go on a computer, get higher and higher up on the game - THATS the achievement he is getting. If you have joint debts (alot) have you considered going going on a payment plan or even bankrupt? The DFW board on MSE can advise better

Your posts have come across as very judgemental and quite aggressive towards the OP, from the very first post she made, before we had a lot more information. You are a seasoned user of these boards, and I think you should know better than to take the first post at face value. There are often a lot of things that we don't find out until we ask further questions and lots of things we never find out!

It's funny you have attacked the OP from the word go for not being sympathetic to her OH. And you have been exactly the same to her: complete lack of sympathy!

By the way, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. Just my opinion.

Careful_with_that_Axe

I can see more where the OP is coming from as my 2nd Ex-DH had an obsession/addiction to playing online games. Unfortunately, he also worked on computers so disguised the fact he was spending so much time on the pc as work.

Yes, playing games online is a form of escapism, but it also leads to an unwillingness and inability to live in the real world. The lies and deceit show that he knows you would not be happy with the amount of time he was devoting to this and it sounds like he was excluding you from his life in order to play. To me this shows a complete lack of respect for you.

Forgive me, but is it possible that he stopped playing when he met you, but that he now needs that something the game gave him again and has gone back to it to fill the void? It doesn't sound like the happiest and healthiest relationship to me.

If you were to spend some time apart, would he be willing to "woo" you again to repair the relationship, or would he give a sigh of relief and carry on playing online?