lies lies and more lies

RazWaz

Sounds like RuneScape to me, and it doesn't take that long to go up 30 combat levels, I'm level 120 on that and I only play for a few hours at a time once every few weeks (probably 5/6 hours a month on average).

Instead of banning him from playing (why treat him like a 5 year old?) just ask him to cut down and play at other times. But be honest, are you going to make him turn off the game and go and sit in front of the TV for a few hours instead? He's probably playing because he's bored, and if there is nothing better for him to do, why shouldn't he do something fun? Oh, and let him buy membership on his debit/credit card, it's £1.50 a month cheeper, gotta stay MSE.

basketcase

My understanding is that OP is not bothered quite so much about the fact that he's playing etc as the fact she feels he's lied about stopping and been sneaky and deceitful in the way he's continuing to play.

My mother once said that you can trust a thief in certain circumstances but, once they've lied to you, how do you trust a person to tell the truth?

OP, I don't think you've reached that stage yet (and, trust me, I've been lied to by experts!). These sound more like evasion of stressful situations than deliberately hurtful untruths. Possibly more weakness than untrustworthiness.

However, I do think that if your husband's willing to get his depression sorted out - which it sounds as though he is - and you can both get counselling it would be good for you both.

Emmzi

to do 30 levels he's been playing *a lot*.

I'd distract him with more appealling things like fun, family things with the kids, hanky panky and snuggling with movies. You can't moan about his hobby if there is no alternative! Game, nagging.... game, nagging... hmm.

paddy's_mum

I don't believe any of this is about computer games, or golf, or going down the pub, or ... whatever.

It's about dishonesty, deceit, secrecy and lies. If the husband had been open and honest, there might have been less 'nagging' and upset and a lot more give and take. Concealing the truth is both dishonest and treacherous even if it does prevent a quarrel in the short term.

The trouble with this kind of low level dishonesty is that the other person is left with very grave doubts as to what else is being lied about, what else has been covered up, what other nasty little secrets are lurking and I suggest it is that aspect that is corrosive to day-to-day trust and thus damages the relationship.

If only people would grasp that ultimately secrecy doesn't avoid trouble - it achieves nothing but the creation of doubt and suspicion.

i_hate_liars

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I don't believe any of this is about computer games, or golf, or going down the pub, or ... whatever.

It's about dishonesty, deceit, secrecy and lies. If the husband had been open and honest, there might have been less 'nagging' and upset and a lot more give and take. Concealing the truth is both dishonest and treacherous even if it does prevent a quarrel in the short term.

The trouble with this kind of low level dishonesty is that the other person is left with very grave doubts as to what else is being lied about, what else has been covered up, what other nasty little secrets are lurking and I suggest it is that aspect that is corrosive to day-to-day trust and thus damages the relationship.

If only people would grasp that ultimately secrecy doesn't avoid trouble - it achieves nothing but the creation of doubt and suspicion.

Got it in one. thank you.

pigpen

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I don't believe any of this is about computer games, or golf, or going down the pub, or ... whatever.

It's about dishonesty, deceit, secrecy and lies. If the husband had been open and honest, there might have been less 'nagging' and upset and a lot more give and take. Concealing the truth is both dishonest and treacherous even if it does prevent a quarrel in the short term.

The trouble with this kind of low level dishonesty is that the other person is left with very grave doubts as to what else is being lied about, what else has been covered up, what other nasty little secrets are lurking and I suggest it is that aspect that is corrosive to day-to-day trust and thus damages the relationship.

If only people would grasp that ultimately secrecy doesn't avoid trouble - it achieves nothing but the creation of doubt and suspicion.

And if you were 'forbidden' to do something you enjoyed doing that both you and your OH had enjoyed before would you comply?

I'd say 'sod off I am an adult and will do as I please!'

I honestly think OH would leave if I even tried to 'ban' him from his game... I would expect him to tell me to bog off too!

Trying to control the actions of a grown man is pretty stupid and totally out of order.

He hasn't lied.. he has simply not done as he was told! and who can blame him?

The OP shouldn't have put him in a position where he had to be sneaky.

i_hate_liars

pigpen wrote: »

And if you were 'forbidden' to do something you enjoyed doing that both you and your OH had enjoyed before would you comply?

I'd say 'sod off I am an adult and will do as I please!'

I honestly think OH would leave if I even tried to 'ban' him from his game... I would expect him to tell me to bog off too!

Trying to control the actions of a grown man is pretty stupid and totally out of order.

He hasn't lied.. he has simply not done as he was told! and who can blame him?

The OP shouldn't have put him in a position where he had to be sneaky.

So all this is my own fault? Trust YOU to say something like that. I don't value your opinion so i will ignore it.

If you honestly think that he hasn't lied i feel sorry for you.

liney

i_hate_liars wrote: »

Got it in one. thank you.

So if he'd been honest, you wouldn't have been nagging him for the past 18 months to stop playing?

I honestly think he's just being avoiding confrontation because he knows you won't back down, and he's not prepared to either.

In fact it's just like the well played out 'You said you would stop smoking' argument. Wife nags husband to stop smoking. Husband 'stops smoking' and wife is suprised when she finds him having a crafty fag down the garden. 'But you said you'd stop smoking!' .... 'No, you said i'd stop smoking, and I was fed up with the ear ache so I nodded' He replies.

must_try_harder_2

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

So your nagging him about the housework, your nagging him about his job, how he spends his money, and now your nagging him about a game? And you wonder why he is lying to you? seriously?

Are you saying that it is acceptable to lie to your partner if the reason for doing so is to stop them nagging you? Seriously?

pigpen wrote: »

And if you were 'forbidden' to do something you enjoyed doing that both you and your OH had enjoyed before would you comply?

I'd say 'sod off I am an adult and will do as I please!'

I honestly think OH would leave if I even tried to 'ban' him from his game... I would expect him to tell me to bog off too!

Trying to control the actions of a grown man is pretty stupid and totally out of order.

He hasn't lied.. he has simply not done as he was told! and who can blame him?

The OP shouldn't have put him in a position where he had to be sneaky.

If my husband asked me not to do something that upset him and left him feeling neglected, there is no way I would say 'sod off I am an adult and will do as I please!' because I love him and would hate the thought that I was doing something that made him feel bad. The 'I'll do what I want regardless of how you feel about it' attitude is not healthy in a relationship - it should be about compromise.

I feel for the OP because I would feel neglected in her position as well. And a lot of people have mentioned the OP banning her OH, but she never said she 'banned' him, just that she moaned when he was spending until 5am on it (and I think she was well within her rights to do so).

I hope you and your OH can sort this out, hopefully he'll realise how upset you are and you can come to some sort of compromise whereby maybe you spend some quality time together, he does a fair share of housework, and then any spare time could be spent on this game?

jakes-mum

Hello, sorry I havent read all the posts so this might be a repeat. I am also a game widow (seafight! bane of my life!!) my husband did also do the putting a couple of quid on the game and 'forgetting' to tell me (and yes I see it as deceitful) he used to play every waking hour of the day that he wasnt working. I totally agree its a lonely life to lead, I nagged and complained, moaned etc and finally sent him to the doctors about something totally different and was told he has severe depression. The game was his way of escaping from the rubbish thats going on in our life, so I backed off, stopped going on about the time he played and he has cut his own gaming time down.

My DH has gone from probably 8 hrs a day gaming to 1/2 hour gaming just from me not going on at him about it. He also admitted that hiding the spending from me was to stop me having 'yet another' go at him. I don't know if your DH has depression but its certainly worth checking. We have found a happy medium when he plays his game I get to watch Lee Evans, Sex in the city or any other number of girly rubbish he doesnt want to watch, I then flick a film on and he'll log off and watch it with me.