lies lies and more lies

balletshoes

i_hate_liars wrote: »

Its not that its not good enough its the fact he went to uni to get a degree. I moved from the opposite end of the country to support him doing this and he now has 20k worth of student debt and alot of other debt because of this. Whats the point in all that effort not to bother looking for job to make it worthwhile. If he wanted to work in a supermarket that would've been fine but why waste 3 years and all that money going to uni?

I think we would really benefit from joint councilling, i will look into that.

some people go to uni for the experience/he may have felt under pressure from family to go etc. But he may just not be interested in a career in the field he graduated in.

He's got a job, he is home with you and your son, he spends time with you both, he's not spending a fortune on his games. If you want stuff doing around the house, do it together - you never know, it might over time make him realise on his own he's spending a little too much time on his game.

Sometimes I can spend hours on the laptop on various sites, without even realising it, and my housework definitely suffers (not that thats a big loss to me to be honest).

Families can be a minefield - but at the end of the day they are his family, so ultimaely the contact he chooses to have with them are up to him, not you (unless you like his family and want to be involved, in which case you approach them, for you and DS).

If you are not capable of compromising on this (and letting go your frustration because he doesn't have a job in his qualified field when it doesn't appear to bother him) I suspect your OH will just carry on witholding things from you, to keep the peace.

mummyroysof3

married to a gamer myself can i offer some advice that has worked for me?

do not moan about them playing..it makes it worse

in your situation i would sit him down and explain that if he wants to play thats fine but you expect him to balance his playing time with family time and time spent doing things that he needs to do too..in exchange for moaning free game time

most of our evenings are spent seperate and thats ok to me cos with looking after 3 young children all day i just want to chill out and read/watch tv/study. but we also have evenings where we watch tv/dvds together we very rarely go out

what would you like to be doing in an evening? maybe you can find a balance

eta: it sounds like maybe you needed to rant on here and now maybe could speak to him calmly which imo is the better way to aproch it, good luck

balletshoes

but I am glad your OH has agreed to go to his doctor OP, hopefully with help for his depression he will feel more able for a career change (if thats what he wants).

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

January20 wrote: »

Your posts have come across as very judgemental and quite aggressive towards the OP, from the very first post she made, before we had a lot more information. You are a seasoned user of these boards, and I think you should know better than to take the first post at face value. There are often a lot of things that we don't find out until we ask further questions and lots of things we never find out!

It's funny you have attacked the OP from the word go for not being sympathetic to her OH. And you have been exactly the same to her: complete lack of sympathy!

By the way, I'm not trying to pick a fight with you. Just my opinion.

I dont see it as picking a fight with me

They arent meant to be aggressive, it's more of a "I cant believe your complaining about a stupid computer game when he could be a drunk/crack addict/wife beater" kind of thing. OP met him on the game - how can she now ban him from it?!

We'll never ever known the whole story on MSE - because we only ever hear one side of it. I've "heard" (read!) that OP nags about a lot in his life, this being the latest. What i havent heard is OP stating that he ignores the family, doesnt provide etc. Its kind of a "woe is me" that i'm getting and if all he is doing wrong is playing on a game then OP doesnt ACTUALLY have it that bad. He could be sat at home, expecting her to work whilst he shoots needles into his arm, smacking her about because dinner isnt on time etc. Instead, he is getting a couple of hours away from stress on the laptop. I have said to OP i understand WHY shes annoyed, but she's reacting wrong towards it. OP comes across as controlling, and as I've already said, i might be wrong about that. BUT if i'm right, and she is the one who controls things in the house then she needs to realise for the relationship to work she has to treat her OH as an equal, and not as a child. He's an adult, what he does with his life is up to him. If OP doesnt agree with it she cant boss him about.

I find a lot of people on here give the information that they want us to know so they get the "oh yes, your completely right" response. You then find that when they DONT get the response they want they start adding things into the post - we'll never know if its genuine or simply said to get sympathy.

I still stand by what i say - OP has reacted wrong to it and that she could have it a lot worse. I know others will disagree and that's fine. OP asked opinions, I gave mine, you've gave yours, others have gave theirs. Not everyone will agree, and thats the beauty of life.

January20

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

I dont see it as picking a fight with me

They arent meant to be aggressive, it's more of a "I cant believe your complaining about a stupid computer game when he could be a drunk/crack addict/wife beater" kind of thing. OP met him on the game - how can she now ban him from it?!

We'll never ever known the whole story on MSE - because we only ever hear one side of it. I've "heard" (read!) that OP nags about a lot in his life, this being the latest. What i havent heard is OP stating that he ignores the family, doesnt provide etc. Its kind of a "woe is me" that i'm getting and if all he is doing wrong is playing on a game then OP doesnt ACTUALLY have it that bad. He could be sat at home, expecting her to work whilst he shoots needles into his arm, smacking her about because dinner isnt on time etc. Instead, he is getting a couple of hours away from stress on the laptop. I have said to OP i understand WHY shes annoyed, but she's reacting wrong towards it.

I find a lot of people on here give the information that they want us to know so they get the "oh yes, your completely right" response. You then find that when they DONT get the response they want they start adding things into the post - we'll never know if its genuine or simply said to get sympathy.

I still stand by what i say - OP has reacted wrong to it and that she could have it a lot worse. I know others will disagree and that's fine. OP asked opinions, I gave mine, you've gave yours, others have gave theirs. Not everyone will agree, and thats the beauty of life.

I relate to both the OP and the fella. My ex used to play computer games when he got in from work, often until 2/3am so you would of thought i would sympathise - but strangley i dont, Mainly because of how OP has reacted. I also know what its like to be nagged at for everything that you do and to be spied on. If OP wants the relationship to work then she HAS to let him be his own person and stop trying to tell him what to do.

Good! about picking a fight Or not

You make a lot of good points in this post. I agree with quite a bit actually.

I didn't sleep very well last night. Consequently, perhaps I'm too sensitive! I think something in the OP's post struck a cord with me. I'm feeling quite defensive of her! I don't even know her lol!

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

January20 wrote: »

Good! about picking a fight Or not

You make a lot of good points in this post. I agree with quite a bit actually.

I didn't sleep very well last night. Consequently, perhaps I'm too sensitive! I think something in the OP's post struck a cord with me. I'm feeling quite defensive of her! I don't even know her lol!

lol I'm sorry, I never proof read what i put, Hence a lot of my posts get edited after because i think "crap! that sounds wrong!" :rotfl:I'm quite hormonal so thats probably not helped!

Come back OP, I dont really bite and its always good when people disagree, honest, you might see it from A.N.OTHER's point of view

January20

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

lol I'm sorry, I never proof read what i put, Hence a lot of my posts get edited after because i think "crap! that sounds wrong!" :rotfl:I'm quite hormonal so thats probably not helped!

Come back OP, I dont really bite and its always good when people disagree, honest, you might see it from A.N.OTHER's point of view

Yeah! I see you are expecting a Christmas baby! (only noticed this morning. I wouldn't' make a great detective!) My dd was born around Christmas and it's a lovely time to have a baby. Christmas has never been the same since - in a good way

I agree with you that it is good to have people who have different opinions. It is nice also to be able to disagree with somebody sensible (like both of us) who will not jump to insults because not every body thinks like them. I love a good discussion as much as I enjoy helping people if I can!

paddyz

I feel for you as it doesn't sound like you are having a great time just now.


Are you worried about him chatting to other women on this game?

dirtysexymonkey

op you sound like a nightmare. no wonder his parents dont like you. after reading one post i cant stand you!!!

Tropez

I guess I can understand both points of view here.

Speaking as a gamer and one who has been known to play the world-renowned World of WarCrack (although I haven't logged in for about a month now) it is a bit of fun for me and one that I feel I have earned by studying and working and paying my bills and all the other mind-numbing tedious bullcrap that comes with being an adult and I would probably be fairly pertubed if my OH were to try and stop me from playing video games; particularly since she used to play WoW herself and still likes to kick my bottom on the odd game of FIFA.... I let her win, honest...

However, in the case of my partner and I, we make time for each other as well as giving each other time to enjoy our own interests - for instance, she is currently sat down on the sofa with a mug of Horlicks watching a recording of a TV show she enjoys before she comes to bed and before that we were snuggled up watching a film together.

I can understand why you would want your OH to put his degree to better use but what you can't do is make a list of demands and expect them to be followed through immediately. So far on this thread you've said you want him to stop gaming, you want him to get a better job to pay off debts, you want him to see a doctor for depression and a few other wants I believe - you can't expect everything to happen at once. He's taking a positive step by seeing a doctor but unloading on him with your various demands, while you may indeed want the best for both him and yourself, is only going to fail and I can understand your anger about his lying but rather than being angry you should look to understand what part of his life is so empty that he's willing to lie to fill it up with a video game.

For the majority of people, video games just fill a desire to be entertained for an hour or two but in people who do become addicted to gaming there is often a much larger hole that needs filling in their life - it is something that needs to be confronted and worked through before the person who is addicted can stop - but then I'm not going to say your OH is addicted and he may just be filling up time when he is bored... that's the main reason I play video games. It's better to spend a couple of hours killing off mutant freaks in an underwater dystopia than sit around twiddling my thumbs waiting for my beloved to come home.

When he's playing these games, what are you doing?