Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

MissMitch

catkins wrote: »

and those of us who love and RESPECT our husbands/wives and have some morals

I agree, but presumably by the time an affair occurs in a marriage, love and respect have been damaged for some reason anyway, and this can be for any number of reasons or grey areas. And whilst I'm not having a go at you personally as I haven't really followed individual posters enough to know who said what, it's clear that several posters on this thread haven't got a clue what respect means as they're arguing their pov by using cheap shots & being downright rude, & I don't suppose this is just reserved for forum posting.

sabretoothtigger

nickyhutch wrote: »

Now I don't agree, but I can see why you think so. Why can't you disagree with my opinion, but see why I might have it?

Understanding is not like agreeing but to some it is

nickyhutch

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Haven't posted on this thread yet I don't think..my opinions on affairs and both parties involved are extreme so tend to stay away..but!..I have to ask Nickyhutch..what valid reasons DO you believe there are for having an affair then??

Abuse, be it physical or emotional.

Being treated like utter trash by your OH.

Can I add that I didn't have an affair when I was married - I ended my marriage when I realised that it wasn't making me happy and never would. My now OH had an affair because his wife treated him with contempt. My reasoning for allowing myself to be the other woman was (and still would be) that I didn't make promises to his wife. He was the one doing the cheating.

Yes, you should leave before having an affair if you're unhappy. I hate the words "should" and "ought", though. People aren't perfect, and I wouldn't want to meet anyone claiming to be so. People don't like moving out into the great unknown. They like comfort, a safety net.

nickyhutch

catkins wrote: »

and those of us who love and RESPECT our husbands/wives and have some morals

I love and respect my husband, and he me, and I have some morals - maybe they are just different morals to yours? We perhaps feel differently (morally) about other subjects - finding a purse in the street, reporting a child who we feel to be mistreated, the death penalty, euthanasia.....

Bumpmakesfour

nickyhutch wrote: »

Abuse, be it physical or emotional.

Being treated like utter trash by your OH.

Can I add that I didn't have an affair when I was married - I ended my marriage when I realised that it wasn't making me happy and never would. My now OH had an affair because his wife treated him with contempt. My reasoning for allowing myself to be the other woman was (and still would be) that I didn't make promises to his wife. He was the one doing the cheating.

Yes, you should leave before having an affair if you're unhappy. I hate the words "should" and "ought", though. People aren't perfect, and I wouldn't want to meet anyone claiming to be so. People don't like moving out into the great unknown. They like comfort, a safety net.

Hmm..the emotional or physical abuse aspect?The being treated like trash bit?They are valid reasons for LEAVING not for having an affair...for your own self respect.I'm not liking the "he treats me like trash so I'll return the favour by having an affair" concept.
Although I see your point and agree that nobody is perfect.Maybe it's just my own personal experience with my dad destroying my mum by having an affair..maybe it's because I'm married to someone I cannot imagine ever hurting in that way..who knows?I know one thing though...affairs are hurtful,scummy,cowardly things.There'd be no forgiveness on either side if either myself or hubby cheated it'd ruin the relationship forever.

nickyhutch

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Hmm..the emotional or physical abuse aspect?The being treated like trash bit?They are valid reasons for LEAVING not for having an affair ...for your own self respect. I'm not liking the "he treats me like trash so I'll return the favour by having an affair" concept. It's not about "returning the favour", more "can't see where else to turn". Yes, ideally, one should leave, but we aren't all that perfect, or brave.
Although I see your point and agree that nobody is perfect.Maybe it's just my own personal experience with my dad destroying my mum by having an affair..maybe it's because I'm married to someone I cannot imagine ever hurting in that way..who knows?I know one thing though...affairs are hurtful,scummy,cowardly things.There'd be no forgiveness on either side if either myself or hubby cheated it'd ruin the relationship forever.

My Dad destroyed my Mum too. She met someone else, eventually, and is happier that happy, now. I'm also married to someone who I can't imagine hurting in ANY way, not just cheating.

Affairs are always hurtful to someone, but they aren't always cowardly (in my OH's case, it would have been more cowardly to stay and continue being a downtrodden, cuckolded man). I wouldn't forgive my OH for cheating on me and would very likely end the relationship. He, though, would probably forgive me for cheating (but only once).

whitewing

Why couldn't your husband have left first without cheating?

Bumpmakesfour

nickyhutch wrote: »

My Dad destroyed my Mum too. She met someone else, eventually, and is happier that happy, now. I'm also married to someone who I can't imagine hurting in ANY way, not just cheating.

Affairs are always hurtful to someone, but they aren't always cowardly (in my OH's case, it would have been more cowardly to stay and continue being a downtrodden, cuckolded man). I wouldn't forgive my OH for cheating on me and would very likely end the relationship. He, though, would probably forgive me for cheating (but only once).

Who knows..maybe if my mum had moved on and found happiness I may have slightly different views.Unfortunately it pretty much finished her off and she's a shadow of her former self even 7 years on.I know for a MILLION percent certain there would be NO forgiveness..end of..if hubby or me cheated.
Tbh the more I read on here,the more I see how badly some people treat those they are supposed to love,the TOTAL disregard some have for those marriage vows/their children....the more I realise how damn lucky I am Glad you AND your mum found happiness Nickyhutch x

nickyhutch

whitewing wrote: »

Why couldn't your husband have left first without cheating?

He wasn't brave enough. So shoot him.

He probably thought staying in the family home, putting up with his wife shagging around, treating him like an odd-job man, spending his weekends putting shelves up and creosoting fences, and staying in while she went out on the pull, but still seeing his children every day was preferable to living alone in a craphole bedsit and bringing his 2 lovely children to that craphole bedsit every other weekend was a better life for him and his children - and I agree with him.

nickyhutch

Bumpmakesfour wrote: »

Who knows..maybe if my mum had moved on and found happiness I may have slightly different views.Unfortunately it pretty much finished her off and she's a shadow of her former self even 7 years on.I know for a MILLION percent certain there would be NO forgiveness..end of..if hubby or me cheated.
Tbh the more I read on here,the more I see how badly some people treat those they are supposed to love,the TOTAL disregard some have for those marriage vows/their children....the more I realise how damn lucky I am Glad you AND your mum found happiness Nickyhutch x

My Mum was absolutely finished for years and years. Don't write her off!

Thank you for the nice wishes That's nice to hear on a thread like this. I hope (and I'm sure) your Mum will move past (not "get over") her heartbreak. We are made of strong stuff, us humans!