Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

purpletoenails

whitewing wrote: »

Surely you only both know what you are both like on your best behaviour with each other. Have you ever even had an actual row?

Yes we've had several rows. I'm not actually a total pushover and I'm not always on my best behaviour. I'm quite certain he isn't either.

purpletoenails

deb68 wrote: »

you say you Wouldnt do something so Spitefull?
but isnt having sex with a Married man spitefull?

Spiteful - a desire to inflict a wrong or injury on someone, usually in return for one received. implies a mean or malicious desire for (often petty) revenge.

No it's not.

MarilynMonroe_2

Tbh you sound immature with this whole thread, sorry but you do.
You might just be getting carried away with it all but I think one day you'll read this back and think what the hell were you doing! The whole thing is selfish, spiteful, hurtful, wrong .. on both sides. You will end up hurt - his wife and kids will end up hurt and if there is any justice he will end up hurt too. Why play second fiddle? He doesnt prefer you.. and if it wasn't you it would be someone else.
I hope you can find someone deserving of your affection, thoughts and time who is free!

The answer to thread is NO.

QuackQuackOops

purpletoenails wrote: »

Spiteful - a desire to inflict a wrong or injury on someone, usually in return for one received. implies a mean or malicious desire for (often petty) revenge.

No it's not.

I think that its the most hurtful, spiteful, disgraceful and selfish thing anyone can do to be honest.
He is a married man and not married to you.

He wants to have his cake and eat it too and he is unable to work out what he ought to do for the best when you are around. He might be weak but it doesn't mean you have to be too.

You have to step away and let him have a chance to either work on his marriage (he cant do that with you distracting him). He might end up leaving anyway, in which case you will have your man. He might not and in that case, you'll at least have your self respect and integrity.

deb68_2

Spitefull huni is what you an he are
you want this thing that is married an you dont give a dam
about anyone other than your self
you can qoute words from the dictionary as much as you like
look up Loose Morals,
look up being decietful
if he wanted you why the hell has it taken over 2 years to be with you

nickyhutch

deb68 wrote: »

Spitefull huni is what you an he are
you want this thing that is married an you dont give a dam
about anyone other than your self
you can qoute words from the dictionary as much as you like
look up Loose Morals,
look up being decietful
if he wanted you why the hell has it taken over 2 years to be with you

It could be any one or more of a lot of reasons. You don't know what they are, I don't know what they are and even PTN might not know what they are. Just because he hasn't left after 2 years, doesn't mean he wont ever leave. He might, he might not.

I wouldn't hang around 2 years for someone, married or not, if only for the reason that it seems far too long to waste on something you may not get.

POPPYOSCAR

purpletoenails wrote: »

Spiteful - a desire to inflict a wrong or injury on someone, usually in return for one received. implies a mean or malicious desire for (often petty) revenge.

No it's not.

I have to agree with this.

Having an affair can be classed as many things but I do not think spiteful, by definition, is one of them in this particular case.

basketcase

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I have to agree with this.

Having an affair can be classed as many things but I do not think spiteful, by definition, is one of them in this particular case.

I agree too. HOWEVER...

The general attitude to the other 'other woman' (ie the wife) does remind me of my children when they were pre-school. You know, putting their hands over their eyes and saying "You can't see me!"

"If I knew her my attitude would be different. I'd care I was hurting her. But I don't know her, so she's not hurting. And, even if she is, it's got nothing to do with me, because I can't see it".

I'm not saying this in an accusatory tone, but because I know most people in this position can't see the wood for the trees. Not sure I could myself. In fact, there have been times when I know I haven't, looking back.

Consistency is required here, I think, ptn. We don't know the ins and outs of your situation, just what you've told us. And I genuinely don't think we can judge what's true and false. (Although many of us who have been through a similar situation have discovered that similar actions tend to mean certain things. But that's all we can say. They tend to mean that.)

But if WE don't know the full story because we haven't met either of you (to our knowledge anyway!), surely you can't know the full story if you haven't met the family? So how do you know she - and, more importantly to both your whatever-you-call-him and his wife, their children - are not hurting?

It sounds to me like you're hiding from the possiblity of the hurt you may well be causing. And that's a perfectly natural reaction from somebody who - normally - would care. "I can't see you..."

Oog

Dear PTN,

I have been observing this thread on and off for a while. Affairs can have happy endings but more often than not the people in them and affected by them are not happy all the time. There is a really good Relate book about affairs and although it is nearly all about the couple whose lives are affected by a third person (you in this scenario), it is worth getting as it explains why affairs happen, what can go wrong in relationships to make them happen and how to get over them when they do (or how to start your life again if you wish). Go and get a copy!

It may help to think of this situation slightly selfishly. How many times have you been out alone, done things on your own which would have been better as a couple or even just had difficult times when he hasn't been there for you? Imagine how you would have lived over the last two years without him in your life. Honestly. Think of all the opportunities you might have taken up without him hanging by the sidelines of you life. Where would you have travelled to? What holidays would you have gone on? What new friends might you have met? Personally, when I didn't have the ties of a relationship it allowed me to find out all there was about being me, which I would never have done if I hadn't been truly alone for a period.

If you still think that he is 'the one' then you need to be a grown up woman, tell him to sort out his family life properly and make a purposeful clean break for himself (ideally allowing him to spend a bit of time alone, too) and come back and start afresh when there is no more baggage or lies, so that you can honestly start a new relationship together.

gratefulforhelp_2

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm amazed that some of the posters seem to know so much about what he is like as a person considering they've never even met him, let alone had a conversation with him.

We are working on the maxim (cliche if you prefer)

"Handsome is as handsome does".