Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

lostinrates

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I was thinking that.

lostinrates does have a way with words.

Oh thank you. I'm grinning with all these compliments. Usually its just because I can't find words I actually wand, so find a way round...a metaphor...to say what I want to say. Its also why my posts just are too long.

Marisco

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Yeah why can't we post short answers...never understood that?

But where does "my way or no way" begin, and having a reasoned argument but not changing one's view at the end of it...end?

I wonder if anyone has changed their view as a result of this thread.

I know what you mean!! I tend to take each "case" on it's own merits, and try not to judge people in what they do. I don't think anyone can say that all those who have affairs/abortions/etc are wrong end of. Many things come into play, which we on here won't know about, so to condemn people as strongly as some have is, IMO, wrong! I enjoy hearing others' views, but not when they start pontificating and condemning about how others should live, according to their own morals. We are all different - thank god, it's what makes life interesting

gratefulforhelp_2

I think when we stray into being judgemental it is because we just feel sooo strongly we can't keep it in - or maybe we have seen so much of the collateral damage first hand.

I used to be much worse...being less judgemental is one of my tasks on my way to trying to be perfect :rotfl:

But my original point was...hundreds of pages ago...that if there is no censure, society is out of control.

Like it or not, although it would be lovely to rely on individual conscience, if that were possible, we would need no criminal or civil legal system.

poet123

catkins wrote: »

Of course it is possible to have children and still have a very good and happy marriage but children do put a strain on marriage and most of the people I have known over the years that are divorced say that problems started when they had children and that without children their marriage may well have lasted.

Also, it may be coincidence, but most of the couples I know that are still on their first marriage and happy are childfree ones. I have lived and worked abroad and in various counties in this country so have met lots and lots of people over the years and found this to be the case. In my experience a very very high percentage of childfree couples remain happy in their first marriage whereas others have 2, 3 or more marriages.

We were undecided whether we wanted children or not - OH was not keen as he had had a horrible childhood. We decided not to have any in the end and there were quite a few reasons but one of them was that we did not want anything to spoil our happy marriage.

I think it probably is co incidence to be honest, or that due to your own lifestyle you look for that in the childfree couples you meet. I have more friends with children who are happily married than those without. We know three couples well without children and of those two are on their second partners, the third couple is happily married. We all have to choose what feels right for us, and having or not having children is a very personal decision. I don't feel you can make a blanket statement re the longevity of a marriage for either cam p though.

Errata wrote: »

In her post on the bi-polar thread Radio writes
"I have Asperger's and no one knows what that entails, but I don't get offended if people make presumptions and ask genuine questions about it."

This may explain her 'black and white' view and her blunt way of communicating.

I suspect it does. I haven't posted in response to the poster in question, but her posts have been blunt to the point of rudeness imo. There is blunt and there is rude, and it is possible to be one without the other.

Pollycat wrote: »

I didn't know that, Errata and it may possibly explain the tone of her posts, but (and this is just imho) she has been aggressive in some of her replies.
Asperger's may be the explanation but should it be an excuse?

Not an excuse but a fact, that given her condition she simply won't see the posts as others see them. However, ime those who have been exposed to families/friends/schooling where clear lines have been drawn for what was deemed acceptable behaviour, using both the written and spoken word do come to realise that and temper their responses.

If they have been allowed to continue with the behaviours without having its effects on others pointed out then they may never achieve the kind of empathy or restraint most of us exercise when dealing with others.

catkins

poet123 wrote: »

I think it probably is co incidence to be honest, or that due to your own lifestyle you look for that in the childfree couples you meet. I have more friends with children who are happily married than those without. We know three couples well without children and of those two are on their second partners, the third couple is happily married. We all have to choose what feels right for us, and having or not having children is a very personal decision. I don't feel you can make a blanket statement re the longevity of a marriage for either camp though.

I did say it could well be coincidence. I don't think purposely look for it in any childfree couples I meet. I know quite a lot of childfree couples, both family, friends and acquaintances. Between us myself and OH have 10 cousins all married and 6 of them are childfree. All the childfree ones are still married (their 1st marriage) and seem happy (as much as anyone can tell) whereas 3 of the other 4 are divorced - two on second marriages and one on their fourth!

I am not making a blanket statement about either camp but having a baby does put a strain on most relationships and often, as I said in an earlier post, the couple do not put effort into working at the relationship and split up.

Myself and some friends were discussing recently what we most argued about with our husbands over the course of our marriage. For me it was money - we have had quite a lot of money problems over the years and I would say 90% of our arguments have been about it. Almost all of my friends said children were the biggest cause of their arguments

lostinrates

catkins wrote: »

Myself and some friends were discussing recently what we most argued about with our husbands over the course of our marriage. For me it was money - we have had quite a lot of money problems over the years and I would say 90% of our arguments have been about it. Almost all of my friends said children were the biggest cause of their arguments

My biggest disagreement with dh is that he won't argue. when I get cross he loks at me all cow eyed and says, sincerely, ''you look so sweet when you are cross''. It drives me round the bend, I like a good argument every now and then. We've had two arguments...the first one was my fault entirely and very silly, the second....I can't actually remember what it was about. We bicker ..or I bicker, sometimes. But mainly as a sport...he just is too agreeable.

Having kids does test things though, because you deal with some pretty importnat stances politcally, socially (school decisions for example) and financially...school decisions for example again!

poet123

catkins wrote: »

I did say it could well be coincidence. I don't think purposely look for it in any childfree couples I meet. I know quite a lot of childfree couples, both family, friends and acquaintances. Between us myself and OH have 10 cousins all married and 6 of them are childfree. All the childfree ones are still married (their 1st marriage) and seem happy (as much as anyone can tell) whereas 3 of the other 4 are divorced - two on second marriages and one on their fourth!

I am not making a blanket statement about either camp but having a baby does put a strain on most relationships and often, as I said in an earlier post, the couple do not put effort into working at the relationship and split up.

Myself and some friends were discussing recently what we most argued about with our husbands over the course of our marriage. For me it was money - we have had quite a lot of money problems over the years and I would say 90% of our arguments have been about it. Almost all of my friends said children were the biggest cause of their arguments

I think that is probably right that most couples with children have arguments about them because obviously they do affect the dynamic of the relationship for both good and bad. However, take them out of the equation and I suspect that those whose marriages are "dodgy" would find other issues to argue about. Certainly, children can also cement a relationship and bring shared joy and pleasures that those without them don't have.

So, my theory is that adding children into a relationship both enhances and detracts from it at various stages. If the relationship is strong they will, on balance, bring you together, if it is weak then it is an added issue to cope with.

VestanPance

Couples with children would be likely to argue over child related issues as they will be a hugely important aspect and consideration of their lives.

My experience is children make no difference to couples. Those that were happy before them are also happy since having them. Although I'm a statistical blip, as everyone single one of my friends and family is on their first marriage with a fair few closing in on their 20th anniversary.

lostinrates

VestanPance wrote: »

Although I'm a statistical blip, as everyone single one of my friends and family is on their first marriage with a fair few closing in on their 20th anniversary.

do you think that could be why you are so unable/willing/fearful of trusting someone else again...that you haven't the template in your circle to see a success second time round?

As a matter of interest, could the same first time success be said of your ex partner's family/close circle? Stats suggest that those with a template of successful marriage are more likely to have that themselves.

VestanPance

lostinrates wrote: »

do you think that could be why you are so unable/willing/fearful of trusting someone else again...that you haven't the template in your circle to see a success second time round?

As a matter of interest, could the same first time success be said of your ex partner's family/close circle? Stats suggest that those with a template of successful marriage are more likely to have that themselves.

No idea if it's an issue in me trusting people now. I'm certainly a blip statistically as I my circle of friends includes no divorcees. Until me there was never one in my family, and as a kid growing up I didn't know one single person who's parents had divorced. I guess that's something that would be almost impossible to replicate these days!!

Her parents split up about a year after after I met her, her dad left for another woman (ironically she cut her dad out her life completely over him having an affair!). Her close circle of friends are (or where the last I knew about it) predominately all on first marriages. She did make a new best friend a couple of years prior to the split who was a divorcee. Someone in fact thinking back she became ever more chummy with prior to terminating our marriage.