Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Magicboo

surely you deserve to be loved by someone so much that they would do anything for you?
I know someone who recently "shacked up" with their married partner-but the married half of the relationship left the marriage 2 weeks after the extramarital affair started. I must admit, I've always thought the same as a couple of the posters above...they've done it once, they could do it again...but then..who knows? It takes all sorts to make the world go round.
I'm sure some times it does work out, but only the 2 of you can know if there is a future for you as a "public" couple.

purpletoenails

I am single, he has been married for 21 years. both our youngest children have just taken their GCSE's

Balletshoes - 'The one thing that stopped me was knowing in that relationship I would always play second fiddle, because he was still with his wife. As much as we had a strong physical attraction and could talk for hours etc, he wasn't committed to me, and couldn't ever be while he was still living with his wife. I know I deserve better - every human being deserves better than that'. This is what I am finding so difficult now.

Person-one - 'Leave him, tell his wife what he's been up to (some might disagree but I think she deserves to know what she's married to) and never look back.' I could not do this, there would be nothing to be gained by telling her, apart from causing a lot of hurt, and making me look like Iwant some kind of revenge, which I don't.

PerfectParadox

What I write i know is not a popular oppinion and if Im honest I think that my circumstance was not the norm.

I was "the other woman" for a long time. a long long time. He WASN'T married but in a long time established relationship.
I met him while the were having a rough patch and on "a break", they got back together, and the next 2 and a half years were very complicated. nothing happened in that time other than me being obsessed and in love with him.
He never seemed happy and we became very good friends.
it then got too much one night and I became the very definition of "the other woman."
this continued for 4 or 5 months. our friends knew, and supported us becase it was a universal opinion that we were right and he wasnt happy with her.
he admitted to being inlove with me, but still loving her in a way and being very confused. I built up to telling him it was over so many times. (i have 17 letters i wrote to that effect)
they broke up... she found a text from me on his phone. I to this day do not know how long it would have gone on for if she had not.
we are now together. Happy.
But I will always have a whisper in my ear of "cheaters dont change their spots" and many other well known sayings.

however I think my opinion would be different if he had been married. Thats a big thing that changes alot.
having said all the above
I think (you dont have to listen to me) is to leave him. if he leaves her and comes for you thats bridge ull have to cross and examine in time. But waiting and waiting is not fun, it hurts and stops you while u constantly wait.
what is meant to be will be.

good luck and whatever happens, remember to love yourself.

carrieuk

If his marriage ended, what would you do then?

If a man can cheat on the woman he made his vows to then what would stop him not cheating on you?

You need to end it and move on before everything unravels quickly.

peachyprice

If you weren't enough for him to leave her as soon as he met you, he'll never leave.

He'll just keep stringing you along, giving excuse after excuse as to why the time just isn't right.

Finish it now while you still have time to find a partner of your own.

Person_one

purpletoenails wrote: »

Person-one - 'Leave him, tell his wife what he's been up to (some might disagree but I think she deserves to know what she's married to) and never look back.' I could not do this, there would be nothing to be gained by telling her, apart from causing a lot of hurt, and making me look like Iwant some kind of revenge, which I don't.

Think of it this way. If you were married to somebody would you want to remain ignorant of the fact that he was sleeping with somebody else or would you want all the information about what kind of man you were married to? Ignorance is not always bliss.

Her not finding out suits you, which is why you don't want her to, and while it might hurt her initially I think living a lie for the rest of her life is probably worse.

I hope you've been practicing safe sex.

BugglyB

purpletoenails wrote: »

I know he does love me, but that's not always enough is it?

Ah 'love'

I believe that love never really takes away our 'agency', our ability to choose and do and self determine. Its just nice for him to be able to think that 'I was so blinded by love I couldn't help myself'.

You will only ever know if he loves you 'enough' if you leave and he follows. I would do that as soon as possible but I dont judge you if you don't.

I am also of the opinion that he should be judged much more harshly than you, although I will probably get people disagreeing. He has made his promises to his wife to stay forever, you never promised anyone anything. Sorry, vroombroom, it wasn't a woman that ruined your parents marriage, it was your dad (or mum if it was a same sex affair) who broke that bond. As I say above I have no truck with this idea that 'she blinded him away' and he had no choice in the matter.

VfM4meplse

Enjoy what time you've had together but expect nothing more, you know continuing will be fun but ultimately pointless. You of course see his irresistable side but would you like to be in his wife's position? She probably doesn't have the vaguest clue that she's not enough for him, ok you may not know her personally, but would you normally intentionally harm someone?

Person_one

BugglyB wrote: »

Ah 'love'

I believe that love never really takes away our 'agency', our ability to choose and do and self determine. Its just nice for him to be able to think that 'I was so blinded by love I couldn't help myself'.

You will only ever know if he loves you 'enough' if you leave and he follows. I would do that as soon as possible but I dont judge you if you don't.

I am also of the opinion that he should be judged much more harshly than you, although I will probably get people disagreeing. He has made his promises to his wife to stay forever, you never promised anyone anything. Sorry, vroombroom, it wasn't a woman that ruined your parents marriage, it was your dad (or mum if it was a same sex affair) who broke that bond. As I say above I have no truck with this idea that 'she blinded him away' and he had no choice in the matter.

I agree that the man here shoulders most of the responsibility and that the idea of them being 'led astray' or 'tempted too far' is ridiculous. However the OP is still responsible too, she could say no just as easily as he could and she knows that their combined actions are causing harm. Whatever happened to the sisterhood?

skylight

My Dad left my Mum for SM almost 20yrs ago and they are still happily married. He left 2 teenagers with Mum. Mum was a bit psychotic though and I think that helped him make a decision. (SM left her hubby at the same time, but no kids).

But its rare. In fact of all the "affairs" I have known about (friends/office workers etc) he is the ONLY man to have left his family for another woman. If just doesn't happen. What does happen a lot (that I have seen) is the wife finds out and kicks him out. He then chooses not to go off with the mistress.......