Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

Bogof_Babe

Perhaps selfishly, but I also hope some of the replies have helped you to accept the fact that his wife is a person too, who has feelings and can be hurt. It's easy to brush her off as an inconvenience who is blocking your idyllic future together, especially as he doesn't seem to say much about her except that they don't get on very well.

I'd hazard a guess that she could suffer real depression if and when he faces up to telling her - that's if she hasn't found out herself by then. Although their children are almost adults, it could still tear the family apart and cause grief all round. There will be blame-shifting, shouting, anguish, and whichever way it goes it will take probably years to "get over".

I am over a year since discovery day and we are still not back to how we used to be, and probably never will be. I hope mine thinks it was worth it.

And all for what? A fling that was fun while it lasted but could never go anywhere anyway as he had no intention of messing up his life.

purpletoenails

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

Perhaps selfishly, but I also hope some of the replies have helped you to accept the fact that his wife is a person too, who has feelings and can be hurt. It's easy to brush her off as an inconvenience who is blocking your idyllic future together, especially as he doesn't seem to say much about her except that they don't get on very well.

I'd hazard a guess that she could suffer real depression if and when he faces up to telling her - that's if she hasn't found out herself by then. Although their children are almost adults, it could still tear the family apart and cause grief all round. There will be blame-shifting, shouting, anguish, and whichever way it goes it will take probably years to "get over".

I am over a year since discovery day and we are still not back to how we used to be, and probably never will be. I hope mine thinks it was worth it.

And all for what? A fling that was fun while it lasted but could never go anywhere anyway as he had no intention of messing up his life.

I've never had a problem with his wife, although I can't imagine she's any happier in the relationship than he is. I won't listen to him moan about her and if he does, will point out that she is doing x, y or z because he let's her and he should either say no if she's making him do something he doesn't want to do, or tell her that he's not happy about it - she's not a mind reader after all. (and thats not meant to sound condescending)

People do change over time, and what he found so attractive 25 years ago might not be so appealing now (and I don't mean physically)

Yes I do accept she is a person, but I also believe that it takes two to make a happy marriage, and she needs to make an effort as much as he does.

There are a lot of things that I haven't put on this thread, due to the fact it would identify him to anyone who knows him or knows them as a couple.

lostinrates

purpletoenails wrote: »

Yes I do accept she is a person, but I also believe that it takes two to make a happy marriage, and she needs to make an effort as much as he does..

Yes...but would you honestly expect him to outline his shortcomings and her strengths to you in this regard? Very few can really look at this in an unbiased and whole of situation way...and I'd include him and her in that, and especially you.

It might be 100% grotty, or you might be being spun a yarn...people often do that to friends and work colleagues too, not just people they have affairs with. They moan and grizzle and paint the other person in their relationship in the worst light possible (often saying things like ''Of course, its partly my fault and then going on to paint themselves in the best light). I really doubt you get a fair picture of the situation....I think its unlikely he doesn';t evaluate it to himself truely either....many, many people do not.

PTN, I really think often that the way his wife has been considered...not cruelly, but not with very much respect or kindness, is an aspect of justification for the frankly unjustifyable. I say that despite reiterating I think you come across as a generally decent person

lostinrates

Pollycat wrote: »

I doubt you'd have been saying the same thing if you'd have spent the last month or so talking things over with say, your best friend as you wouldn't have got the range of advice (not to mention the odd bit of abuse) that you've had on here.

I know from experience I would give PTN my honest opinion if she discussed this with me as a real life friend. I hope she's realised that my less positive comments are made not from a point of purely of critising or ''attacking'' but are sincere and well meant. I think many have done the same, and despite the unpleasant bits of this thread, in the main I think people have behaved well and in a spirit disagreeing ''friendship'' so far as one can in a faceless nameless environment!

Pollycat

lostinrates wrote: »

I know from experience I would give PTN my honest opinion if she discussed this with me as a real life friend. I hope she's realised that my less positive comments are made not from a point of purely of critising or ''attacking'' but are sincere and well meant. I think many have done the same, and despite the unpleasant bits of this thread, in the main I think people have behaved well and in a spirit disagreeing ''friendship'' so far as one can in a faceless nameless environment!

I appreciate what you say but my point was that face-to-face discussions with a best friend would have resulted in one person's viewpoint but by posting on here PTN has had a wide spectrum of opinion from people who have (1) been in her position, people who have (2) been in the wife's position and people who have been (3) in neither postion but still have a valid opinion to put forward.

And that, I believe, is why she's coming across as a stronger person.

lostinrates

Pollycat wrote: »

I appreciate what you say but my point was that face-to-face discussions with a best friend would have resulted in one person's viewpoint but by posting on here PTN has had a wide spectrum of opinion from people who have (1) been in her position, people who have (2) been in the wife's position and people who have been (3) in neither postion but still have a valid opinion to put forward.

And that, I believe, is why she's coming across as a stronger person.

Oh, I agree, very much.

I just want to make it clear that its possible to think PTN seems a decent person and to tell her so while also holding a very different POV as to what she's asking about. I think its a shame that a lot of people saying they think the situation is bad and the people involved in the wrong were seen as totally ''anti'' ptn as a person at one point.

Pollycat

lostinrates wrote: »

Oh, I agree, very much.

I just want to make it clear that its possible to think PTN seems a decent person and to tell her so while also holding a very different POV as to what she's asking about. I think its a shame that a lot of people saying they think the situation is bad and the people involved in the wrong were seen as totally ''anti'' ptn as a person at one point.

I see what you're saying.

There are 'other women' and 'other women'.

We've read on here about how some OW have behaved, turning up at family gatherings brandishing photos of nude husbands. :eek:

Some of the posts against PTN (and I think they were a minority and voiced by people who stumbled across this thread, chucked in their 2 pennorth and left - and probably not by the members who are still posting) were particularly nasty and uncalled for.

Bogof_Babe

purpletoenails wrote: »

People do change over time, and what he found so attractive 25 years ago might not be so appealing now (and I don't mean physically)

But this takes us back to the fact that if their relationship really isn't making him happy, he should have done the decent thing and (a) discussed it with his wife to see if there was any way back, or (b) asked her for his freedom, BEFORE hooking up with someone else.

There isn't the stigma nowadays about being divorced, so I don't know whose interests he thinks he's serving by sitting on the fence indefinitely. Even if they haven't got two kind words to say to eachother, while she is still his wife he should be respecting the sanctity of that. If he doesn't want to hurt her by asking for a divorce, what does he think he's doing by carrying on with someone else behind her back? He needs to respect her enough to be honest with her, and by the same token he needs to respect YOU enough to be honest with you.

have-hope

PPT, I haven't read all the thread but I would question why you are settling for what this man can give you? Why do you not feel entitled to a committed relationship? Whilst he is married and in a relationship you are not getting to know him well, there will always be a mask.

He may have fallen out of love with his wife (and I do accept people change) however he could have made a decision to end the marriage - what are his reasons for not doing so? Did you know he was married when you started the relationship? This isn't about blaming you but I believe that when a man (or woman) is having an affair they are capable of being very manipulative and deceitful. How do you know the real him?

clearingout

it's more than 'capable' of manipulation and deceit - it is VERY manipulative and deceitful.