Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

euronorris

1echidna wrote: »

Perhaps we get into "nudge" theory, better to express vague disquiet rather than try to comprehensively demolish the ground upon which someone stands.

I think it is always better to express how one feels about something honestly, rather than trying to sugarcoat it in case your opinion upsets someone.

Besides, if you are confident in your opinion, why should someone else expressing a differing opinion 'comprehensively demolish the ground upon which someone stands'? That would suggest to me that the foundation was pretty weak to begin with.

That said, judgement has happened in this thread, by everyone. To have an opinion on the subject, means that you have judged the subject. How else would the opinion be formed.

And of course, with differing opinions comes differing judgements.

However, there is a line between expressing your opinion (including the reasons why you feel that way) and deeming people you've never met to be morally reprehensible and a bad person overall. Which I do feel has happened on this thread.

Whilst I do not agree with others opinions, or their reasons for holding those opinions, I do accept that 'one bad raisin in a cake, doesn't make the whole cake bad', to use the analogy that my therapist did. Even if you consider that adultery suggests other/larger shortcomings in that person, they are still not as bad as some would have you believe. And one mistake does not make or break a person, it's just a mistake. One that can be learnt from, if that person wishes to self reflect.

We are all capable of making mistakes, and whilst I would like to believe that I would never, ever cheat, and will always do my best to ensure I don't, I really do not know how I will react to each and every situation live throws us.

In much the same way that I would like to think that if I saw a car accident happen right before my eyes, I would rush in to help. When/if that happens, I might actually find myself frozen to the spot in shock and fear.

1echidna

euronorris wrote: »

I think it is always better to express how one feels about something honestly, rather than trying to sugarcoat it in case your opinion upsets someone.

Besides, if you are confident in your opinion, why should someone else expressing a differing opinion 'comprehensively demolish the ground upon which someone stands'? That would suggest to me that the foundation was pretty weak to begin with.

That said, judgement has happened in this thread, by everyone. To have an opinion on the subject, means that you have judged the subject. How else would the opinion be formed.

And of course, with differing opinions comes differing judgements.

However, there is a line between expressing your opinion (including the reasons why you feel that way) and deeming people you've never met to be morally reprehensible and a bad person overall. Which I do feel has happened on this thread.

Whilst I do not agree with others opinions, or their reasons for holding those opinions, I do accept that 'one bad raisin in a cake, doesn't make the whole cake bad', to use the analogy that my therapist did. Even if you consider that adultery suggests other/larger shortcomings in that person, they are still not as bad as some would have you believe. And one mistake does not make or break a person, it's just a mistake. One that can be learnt from, if that person wishes to self reflect.

We are all capable of making mistakes, and whilst I would like to believe that I would never, ever cheat, and will always do my best to ensure I don't, I really do not know how I will react to each and every situation live throws us.

In much the same way that I would like to think that if I saw a car accident happen right before my eyes, I would rush in to help. When/if that happens, I might actually find myself frozen to the spot in shock and fear.

This is what I would question - the "always better" to express ones feelings. I say that a professional doctor, nurse, councellor etc learn to be open minded and not rush in with strong feelings about something. In all probabilty they would describe the OPs position as 'complicated' and try to work from there.

euronorris

1echidna wrote: »

This is what I would question - the "always better" to express ones feelings. I say that a professional doctor, nurse, councellor etc learn to be open minded and not rush in with strong feelings about something. In all probabilty they would describe the OPs position as 'complicated' and try to work from there.

They probably would, but we are not counsellor's, nor are we trying to be. If the OP would like advice of that kind (which I actually feel would be far better for her), then she should seek out a counsellor.

However, we are on a public forum, and so we can only do what we are qualified to do - give our opinions.

We aren't acting as counsellor's here. If we were, my first questions would be:

Happy ending for whom?
Please confirm your definition of a happy ending in this instance.

1echidna

euronorris wrote: »

They probably would, but we are not counsellor's, nor are we trying to be. If the OP would like advice of that kind (which I actually feel would be far better for her), then she should seek out a counsellor.

However, we are on a public forum, and so we can only do what we are qualified to do - give our opinions.

We aren't acting as counsellor's here. If we were, my first questions would be:

Happy ending for whom?
Please confirm your definition of a happy ending in this instance.

You said "always better". I was just pointing out that you were wrong. Learn to live with it.

As for happy ending, as a counsellor, my concern would be for my client, but professionals also have a duty to the community and need to avoid promoting harm to others.

euronorris

1echidna wrote: »

You said "always better". I was just pointing out that you were wrong. Learn to live with it.

As for happy ending, as a counsellor, my concern would be for my client, but professionals also have a duty to the community and need to avoid promoting harm to others.

You're just being pedantic now. Of course there are certain people, and certain situations, in which one should hold back their feelings. But I wasn't talking about it in that context, I was talking about it in the context of this thread and in general, not professionals, and I think you knew that.

Of all the things to pick at! It's not exactly relevant, is it? Seeing as we are not acting as counsellor's or professionals of any kind on this thread.

My question about the happy ending would just be the first. To gain more understanding of the OP and what she is looking for/hoping to acheive/feels she needs to be happy. I think that would be a good general starting area. But again, I am not a professional counsellor.

1echidna

euronorris wrote: »

You're just being pedantic now. Of course there are certain people, and certain situations, in which one should hold back their feelings. But I wasn't talking about it in that context, I was talking about it in the context of this thread and in general, not professionals, and I think you knew that.

Of all the things to pick at! It's not exactly relevant, is it? Seeing as we are not acting as counsellor's or professionals of any kind on this thread.

My question about the happy ending would just be the first. To gain more understanding of the OP and what she is looking for/hoping to acheive/feels she needs to be happy. I think that would be a good general starting area. But again, I am not a professional counsellor.

The thing is there will be people on this board who have received professional advice on many different personal matters as well as probably a handful of professionals. There is therefore on this board a body of people who know how this situation might well be dealt with by a professional.

I don't think that a counsellor would be trying to define the ending without a lot of exploration into what is going on.

Pollycat

Does it really matter what a counsellor would or wouldn't advise?

As euronorris says, the OP didn't go to a counsellor (or at least if she has, she hasn't shared that information with us).
Instead, she asked the question on here - presumably in the full knowledge that she'd get widely differing opinions - mainly from people who aren't counsellors.

euronorris

1echidna wrote: »

The thing is there will be people on this board who have received professional advice on many different personal matters as well as probably a handful of professionals. There is therefore on this board a body of people who know how this situation might well be dealt with by a professional.

I don't think that a counsellor would be trying to define the ending without a lot of exploration into what is going on.

Yes, of course, but we are still not responding as counsellors. If someone did, I would expect them to explicitly say so.

Well, that is your opinion/experience. My experience was different. One of the first things my counsellor asked me was what I hoped to achieve from my sessions from her, followed by exploring why I hadn't been able to acheive that so far.

But, again, I am not a counsellor and neither are you. Perhaps they approach different problems in different ways?

I'm beginning to think that you are trying to instigate an argument or tension 1echidna, and I'm not sure why.

1echidna

Pollycat wrote: »

Does it really matter what a counsellor would or wouldn't advise?

As euronorris says, the OP didn't go to a counsellor (or at least if she has, she hasn't shared that information with us).
Instead, she asked the question on here - presumably in the full knowledge that she'd get widely differing opinions - mainly from people who aren't counsellors.

It might, given that somebody may be prepared to pay good money for a solution to their problems by engaging the services of a psychologist or counsellor. If this wasn't helping they would stop the consultations. OP has found a lot of comments here unhelpful and I suggest wouldn't be paying for them or engaging further with a therapist who practised in a similar way.

1echidna

euronorris wrote: »

Yes, of course, but we are still not responding as counsellors. If someone did, I would expect them to explicitly say so.

Well, that is your opinion/experience. My experience was different. One of the first things my counsellor asked me was what I hoped to achieve from my sessions from her, followed by exploring why I hadn't been able to acheive that so far.

But, again, I am not a counsellor and neither are you. Perhaps they approach different problems in different ways?

I'm beginning to think that you are trying to instigate an argument or tension 1echidna, and I'm not sure why.

Just pointing out you are wrong, or is that not permitted?