Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I've never considered having to choose between them. They both cause hurt and shock, and knock the equilibrium of the marriage right off course.

However, after what happened in our situation, I sometimes think it would have been easier to get over it if he had had a one night stand with someone he didn't care about and would never see again.

Yes I would be devastated by either, but it would be him not loving me anymore that would be worse for me.

seven-day-weekend

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Is it still 'adultery' if the OH falls in love with someone else but does not have sex with them?

IMHO, and in the Biblical sense, yes.

nickyhutch

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showpost.php?p=34584733&postcount=841


Looks like you making a judgment on someone's behaviour, perfect or not.

That man had killed people which is against the law. As far as I'm aware, adultery is not against the law.

nickyhutch

nickyhutch wrote: »

That man had killed people which is against the law. As far as I'm aware, adultery is not against the law.

ETA and heck, you had to go a long way back to find that, didn't you?

euronorris

1echidna wrote: »

Yes but an archaic term for those living in the past. You just try to line this with emotion. I don't accept it, my response is two fingers to you, and I carry on my merry way. What are you going to do about it?

Is there another term to use? Cheater perhaps? Is that really any better?

Personally, I haven't used the word adultery in this thread (until now), but as far as I understand, adultery is a term still recognised in the legal profession isn't it? (I could be and probably am wrong here! :rotfl:)

It is simply a way of describing the behaviour. It's just factual. However, I do recognise that any word can be used in a detrimental way, depending on the tone and context. Much the same as 'sweetheart' can be used in a very patronising way, for example.

For you, this is not an issue which carries emotion it seems. For many others, it is inextricably linked to the act of cheating.

FYI, the coffee/tea/alcoholic bar will be opening at 11am. We have a selection of biscuits, chocolate, crisps and nuts available.

euronorris

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Which do you think is worse?

That is such a tough question!

I honestly don't know. I've only experienced a partner full on cheating, and it was never emotional for him, it was always just about sex, and more about his own issues than it was me. I wasn't the first person he cheated on, I wasn't the last, and I think he's probably still doing it now.

That still hurt like hell.

But, if I consider how I might feel if my current OH had an emotional affair with someone, I imagine that hurts like hell too. I'm not sure one is more or less hurtful than the other. They are both huge betrayals in my mind, so I honestly can't say whether one is even worse than the other, let alone which one.

EthelBloggs

purpletoenails wrote: »

I'm still not sure what good it would do her to know? If, as most people on here assume, he is only using me and will never leave her, then whats the point in her knowing?

She needs to know because her whole life is based on a lie. He and you are witholding important life changing information from her.

You can bet your life that he's probably moody and snappy with her, critical of trivial things and she's probably thinking he's stressed at work or something and breaking her neck to try and make things right, not realising that she's wasting her time because nothing she does will be good enough while he is juggling both women. You might think she has no idea that he's having an affair but she knows there's something wrong and she's probably driving herself mad trying to figure out what it is.

Their children will also be being affected by the odd atmosphere at home, the tension. Don't fool yourself that it's having no impact and no one knows anything. Unless he's a robot there's no way he can be completely normal at home with such deceptions whirring through his mind all the time.

That isn't fair and she deserves better than that.

Pollycat

euronorris wrote: »

FYI, the coffee/tea/alcoholic bar will be opening at 11am. We have a selection of biscuits, chocolate, crisps and nuts available.

You're beginning to upset me, euronorris - what about chocolate muffins?

Bogof_Babe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Yes I would be devastated by either, but it would be him not loving me anymore that would be worse for me.

Mine swore he still loved me, and that he didn't love her, but it was the way he spoke about her and mooned around in a sort of trance that gave the lie to that, along with not-so-subtle clues like writing her long sloppy Christmas cards when everyone else at work just got "Merry Christmas" :mad:. I think he did/does still love me, but "this thing was bigger than both of them" - at least in his eyes. I rather think there was a calculating side to her input, given among other things the 22 year age gap.

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

IMHO, and in the Biblical sense, yes.

I suppose my views on this are that you can't always help your feelings, but you can help what you do about them. If he fell in love, then did the decent thing and told me he had found someone else and wanted a divorce, I could hardly accuse him of adultery in that situation.

The horrid thing is that realisations are still coming back months later. I just woke up today and for some reason remembered that he suggested we cash in our investment portfolios last year, even though the market was doing really well and it would have been a mad time to do it, particularly as we are still in the "charges for cashing in" period. The penny has only just dropped that this would be because half of his investment was put in my name for IHT purposes, so he must have been planning how the finances would be sorted out if/when we did split. Grrrr :mad:. Or maybe he just wanted to bail her out of her debts .

It's horrid watching your partner in the grip of something that you can't do a darned thing about. I asked him what was wrong with me, and he always said "nothing, you're gorgeous", but she had got so far under his skin that he didn't know what he was doing. I do blame her for not respecting that he wasn't available, and playing on the fact that he was obviously going to have his resistance broken down eventually if she kept laying on the pressure. Flattery and neediness are a toxic combination.

She didn't respect our marriage, and I will never forgive her for that. It could have gone either way, and it will be years before I am fully confident again, if ever.

POPPYOSCAR

euronorris wrote: »

Is there another term to use? Cheater perhaps? Is that really any better?

Personally, I haven't used the word adultery in this thread (until now), but as far as I understand, adultery is a term still recognised in the legal profession isn't it? (I could be and probably am wrong here! :rotfl:)

It is simply a way of describing the behaviour. It's just factual. However, I do recognise that any word can be used in a detrimental way, depending on the tone and context. Much the same as 'sweetheart' can be used in a very patronising way, for example.

For you, this is not an issue which carries emotion it seems. For many others, it is inextricably linked to the act of cheating.

FYI, the coffee/tea/alcoholic bar will be opening at 11am. We have a selection of biscuits, chocolate, crisps and nuts available. [/QUOTE]



I'd like a coffee please(bit too early for anything alcoholic, even for me!). Any cheesecake to go with that?