Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

I'm not sure what would have happened if I hadn't found out when I did. At that stage it was retrievable, but who knows how much deeper he might have got drawn in.

When we had an accidental confrontation (in a supermarket car park of all places) I found out what sort of person she is. Suffice it to say she shouted and screamed a lot, rather than talking rationally. I was calm throughout, and started by asking her if she thought it was a good idea to keep phoning a married man when she thought his wife was away. If she'd kept cool and said sorry, she hadn't realised it would upset me, it was only about work etc. etc. I would have said I was sorry for being suspicious and walked away, but from her manner it was evident that she thought I was the one in the wrong!

If she was that "aggressive" in her attempts to get what she wanted, I know my OH would have been completely dragged in and felt helpless to take control of the situation. She has a reputation at work for being in the middle of anything that flares up. I was told this by their boss, when push came to shove and I wanted him to leave work but the boss didn't want to lose him.

But no, I mustn't make excuses for him. He let me down hugely and seemed reluctant to accept that his behaviour was unacceptable. He knows now that if I ever get one whiff of anything like this again there will be no third chances.

In one way she did me a favour though - I was taking things for granted and I don't do that now, so thank you OW!

Loved your last line!!

Thats what I try to do with my life now when something bad happens - I try to look for something positive from it - and I feel much the better for it.

Bogof_Babe

euronorris wrote: »

BB, has you husband explained why he was so taken in by flattery?

Sorry, I know this is probably hard to read, but, we all love being flattered, but we don't all start up relationships with those people.

For me, neediness is a turnoff, but I understand some people love nothing more than to be needed.

I actually think the neediness was more relevant than the flattery. I didn't want to risk identifying her (or us) too much, but suffice it to say she had a home life that was (allegedly) pretty rubbish, and used to pour out her woes to him. Just by being so much younger and showing an interest in him was flattery enough, and as mentioned earlier I was having to be away quite a lot because of mum, so he was an obvious target as he admits he'd told her he got lonely. She took that as a come-on, and he fell right into the trap.

lostinrates

neverdespairgirl wrote: »

You do judge other people, and you've posted judgments about other people here on MSE before.

Judgements have been made by most, including judgeing people for judging on this thread, (judging for judging is still judging surely, lol!)

TBH, I've read a bit back because I found I was interpretating some people's posts differently to others. I'm happy to accept that is down to interpretation of post.

I do find myself smiling that OP ...as I interpret her posts...has been pretty well the ''best behaved'' in the thread. I find no ''side'' being able able to call a superior behaviour as a whole though. Its not really help ful to anyone, least of all OP who the thread is here for, to have people forming ''sides'', which is quite different to a vehement discussion covering the whole picture, which can be helpful.

That said, bickering about who is nicest here and who was rude first etc doesn't really help anything, and besides MSEAndrea calling time the most useful posts recently seem to be about calling a tea break.....especially as my milk is deforsting funnily this morning, which is not pleasant at all.

lostinrates

re words. I thought adultery was pretty factual, and less laden with venom than things like ''cheater'' or other less nice terms. Its certainly the correct ''legal definition'' and is what would be used in divorce proceedings etc if divorce was saught on those grounds I believe.

Having thought about it and the emotions on this thread I will endeavour to use the factual word in life situations rather than emotion laden things like ''cheating''.

I was also thinking that for those who are Christian (not me) there is an inferance of blame on someone else other than the partner because of the vow '' what God has joined together let no man put asunder'' and of course the Commandment to ''not covet your neighbour's wife'' which I guess we can infer would work the other way around!

Of course for those of us who are not christian it has little bearing, but is still interesting. (and I hope takes the pressure of OP a bit to discuss the ''theoreticals'' rather than the personal.) I don't know what the cultural equivalents are in other faiths.

EthelBloggs

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Is it still 'adultery' if the OH falls in love with someone else but does not have sex with them?

Yes I think it is. Because the person is giving love and emotion to someone other than his/her partner. Sharing the part of themselves that ought to be sacred to the primary relationship.

I've been cheated on and for me the worst part was the emotional side of his affair, the lies he told and the incredible breach of trust; much more than the sexual aspect.

neverdespairgirl

nickyhutch wrote: »

That man had killed people which is against the law. As far as I'm aware, adultery is not against the law.

that's not the point. Whether something is illegal or legal, the poster said she isn't perfect, she doesn't judge....

nickyhutch

I think maybe making a judgement about a murderer is a little more understandable than making a judgement about someone having an affair.

lostinrates

nickyhutch wrote: »

I think maybe making a judgement about a murderer is a little more understandable than making a judgement about someone having an affair.

But that';s according to your judgment of the balances, surely!

I accept I've made judgments, I think its a less palatable part of being a human. We've all made them to different ends I think. e.g. you have judged one judgement is less worthy of harsh judgement than another.

Bogof_Babe

Given that the consensus seems to be that "adultery" and thereby "adulterer" are correct non-emotive terms, in what way has "judgement" been going on? Obviously the betrayed will feel anti the person with whom the betrayal occurred, and those who took up with an already attached partner will justify doing so, but who exactly has "judged" who?

I'd call it having a debate, which will of course involve differences of opinion. If telling someone we disapprove of and disgree with their actions is judgemental, then it rather negates the point of having this discussion in the first place doesn't it, given the opening question?

1echidna

Perhaps we get into "nudge" theory, better to express vague disquiet rather than try to comprehensively demolish the ground upon which someone stands.