Can an affair ever have a happy ending?

clearingout

layton55 wrote: »

I am in a similar situation to yourself. Married man been with his wife 10 years with 3 kids. They married young and I believe she pressured him into it; nonetheless he 'made his bed so to speak'. The first thing you must do is realise that if he leaves his wife, he must do it for himself; and not you. This is the one thing i made very clear from the outset. Only this way could a future ever be possible for you both. We have tried to end it several times but struggle - it's not a purely sexual one (though we have done it once) - it's much deeper than that and that's what makes it hard. i told him to seek marriage couselling and see if there was anything left to salvage from the marriage and if so - then i'd be happy for him; accepting that we weren't meant to be. if marriage couselling doesn't work and he decides to get a divorce then only then can we start anything real. it's hard i know but you need to trust that he will do the right thing by himself (whatever that may be) and in the meantime you need to do whatever it is you need to do to get yourself up and running again. i spend many hours of many days thinking about him and him me too. then other days i focus on all the other great things in my life - friends, work etc. it's a waiting game but if you believe in it then worth the wait. i hope it all works out for you, whatever the outcome.

Arrgghh! I read these posts and I want to throw things at you! Get a grip,woman! People don't marry thinking 'it's OK, I'll get a divorce if it doesn't work out'. It's a huge commitment. No one can pressure you into it. Either you want to or you don't. And if you don't and you go ahead anyway, who on earth would want to be with someone so weak-willed that they're prepared to live a sham, ruin their own life and that of someone they profess to 'love'?

My ex tried to pull this one on me some 18 months after we separated and we found ourselves talking. He hadn't really wanted to marry me but he'd gone along with it 'because I loved you'. Now, I fully accept that my recollection of our early years and his will not necessarily match but I can assure you that he wanted to get married. Never flippin' stopped on about it from the day I first went out with him! Rewriting history is what guilty people do. It eases their conscience and makes everything in their life fit into place. I was young, she pressured me into it = it's fine that I am having an affair.

No, it's not fine. End your marriage then start up again with the new person. It's not rocket science, is it?!!!

Bogof_Babe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I think that is a very good question.

I doubt a lot of people who get married see it in those terms.

Perhaps there should be some sort of 'classes' you should have to go to before you can get married explaining the legality of it all.

After all, it might be a 'contract' but there are not any actual 'penalty' clauses as such for those that want to extract themselves from the contract.

That's the whole point - because it's a legal contract, if you legally extricate yourself from it there are no penalties for moving on to have a relationship with someone else. However if you don't, but then marry someone else, you'll soon find out via the forces of the law how binding the marriage contract is!

People who want to remain married while having another relationship are breaking the moral, if not the legal, terms of what they signed up to. The very fact that they do it in secret shows how immoral it is.

seven-day-weekend

of course being married is a legal contract. As the poster above says, to get out of it, you have to go through another legal process. You are not free to get married to anyone else until the legal contract has been dissolved. You are legally joined to the person you made the contract with.

Of course, people can chose to renege on the legal contract they made, the same way as they can choose to default on their mortgage (another legal contract), but are not actually free to undertake another relationship, no matter how much they may justify it with fancy words.

gratefulforhelp_2

Lotus-eater wrote: »

I know someone who was in your exact situation, from what I have read, absolutely exact. She did it twice, one after the other, both were very decent guys, very decent indeed, honest, upright, nice blokes. Neither left their wives, in the end she gave up, yet for the first year or so of each, she spoke exactly as you do, bringing up the same excuses for him, the same feelings. The same empty places at her family get togethers, stolen moments, the same lonely Christmases, the same feeling that he loved her and it would all sort itself out.

Eventually she went out and found someone who was divorced and single. Much happier now and she has a good relationship with his kids, something you could never do at present.

Not if their behaviour was anything to go by.

purpletoenails wrote: »

I think I know him pretty well, or as well as I can under the circumstances and no I've never spent a night with him.

But really well enough to commit to him?

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

I think that is a very good question.

I doubt a lot of people who get married see it in those terms.

Perhaps there should be some sort of 'classes' you should have to go to before you can get married explaining the legality of it all.

After all, it might be a 'contract' but there are not any actual 'penalty' clauses as such for those that want to extract themselves from the contract.

If you get married in church there often is the requirement to attend marriage preparation classes.

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

That's the whole point - because it's a legal contract, if you legally extricate yourself from it there are no penalties for moving on to have a relationship with someone else. However if you don't, but then marry someone else, you'll soon find out via the forces of the law how binding the marriage contract is!

People who want to remain married while having another relationship are breaking the moral, if not the legal, terms of what they signed up to. The very fact that they do it in secret shows how immoral it is.

Marriage being a legal contract is a very interesting point.

What exactly are the legal terms of the contract?

Bogof_Babe

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Marriage being a legal contract is a very interesting point.

What exactly are the legal terms of the contract?

It confers a status that, among other things, allows husband and wife to make medical decisions on behalf of eachother if circumstances dictate that "next of kin" has to do so.

It is the only relationship within which money can be freely transferred between the two parties without attracting any tax implications.

It requires that on dissolution of the contract financial matters are given consideration as regards the interests of both parties.

There are more, but that's a start off the top of my head.

Lotus-eater

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Not if their behaviour was anything to go by.

:rotfl: LOL, easy to say.

You'd be surprised how many upright, honest, blokes, who you know, have had affairs.

Bogof_Babe

Lotus-eater wrote: »

:rotfl: LOL, easy to say.

You'd be surprised how many upright, honest, blokes, who you know, have had affairs.

Bit of an oxymoron there?

POPPYOSCAR

Bogof_Babe wrote: »

It confers a status that, among other things, allows husband and wife to make medical decisions on behalf of eachother if circumstances dictate that "next of kin" has to do so.

It is the only relationship within which money can be freely transferred between the two parties without attracting any tax implications.

It requires that on dissolution of the contract financial matters are given consideration as regards the interests of both parties.

There are more, but that's a start off the top of my head.

Thanks Bogof babe.

Yes, aware of those ones.

But does it actually say anything about other relationships etc?

POPPYOSCAR

gratefulforhelp wrote: »

Not if their behaviour was anything to go by.



But really well enough to commit to him?



[COLOR=purple]If you get married in church there often is the requirement to attend marriage preparation classes.[/COLOR]

Yes, I am aware of that although not sure if they still do that.

But I think anyone contemplating marriage should have to by law attend a civil type class aimed at ensuring they understand the 'contract' they are entering into.

Far too many marriages seem to me to be about 'the day' and little else.Who can have the best venue, nicest dress and biggest party etc!