Are these what you would call red flags or warning signs?

sashadesade

At first this guy sounded like a bit of a weirdo, but the more you say the more scary it becomes. He said he wouldn't rape you because he can't afford it? Why is he thinking of reasons not to rape you?? Not a very funny joke if you ask me!

If you've already told him in no uncertain terms that you don't want to see him anymore, then just completely ignore any further contact from him. If he continues to contact you then go to the police, you need to get it on record if you're being harassed.

QuantumSuccess

I just wanted to say that not all of us find it at all easy to deal with this sort of thing. It is actually really helpful to me to post about this situation on here and get feedback on what others would do. Just because something may seem obvious to you, some of us really struggle with these sorts of things which is perhaps why some women end up being victimized for years and trapped in dangerous relationships. So please bear with me Your responses and advice have been really helpful and actually may have prevented what could have turned into a very dangerous experience with this man.

QuantumSuccess

By the way, last night I read several articles about the traits of sociopaths. He ticked almost all the boxes.

CH27

So what are you going to do?

giantmutantbroccoli

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

Unfortunately he does know where I live.

My gut instinct is that he is potentially dangerous. I sincerely hopeI am wrong.

It's just that there are these moments when if you say something he does not like (which could be as simple as 'let's just be friends' or 'I'm sorry I'm not going to invite you up to my flat just yet') you catch him giving you this really evil, put-out and aggressive look. It's really frightening.

About a week ago I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He said we should "talk about it" in person and that he'd drive over to my place and we'd go out for a walk. I texted him telling him not to come but the next thing I knew I saw him walking up the road towards the flats I live in (and he lives a 30 minute drive away). On that occasion we did go for the walk and he told me repeatedly that I should let him into my flat because he will not rape me. He said he will not rape me or force me to do anything against my will because he is a parent (he has kids from an earlier relationship) and therefore could not afford a rape case on his record. He also said that "even if the woman is so aroused that I can smell her aroma, I will not force myself on her in any way. Even if you ask me for sex I will not do it yet." That entire conversation REALLY scared me.:(

I, personally, would go talk to the police about it. Tell them what he has said to you, that he knows where you live and has arrived at your house after you have asked him not to, and that you feel threatened by him.
Ignore what he says and focus on the subjects he chooses to talk about. His topic of choice, at a time when you are clearly uncomfortable with having him in your house, is rape. He is thinking about rape. Why the ffff is he even thinking about rape at this time? And his justifications, jfc! He won't rape you because he can't AFFORD IT ON HIS RECORD?! That is the only reason he gives?
No, what you said before made him sound like a bit of a creeper, but this makes him sound like a sexual predator and a dangerous one at that. Do not talk to him, do not let him in your house, and call the police.

MrsWoolfe

Have to agree with the majority of the advice you've been given.

Go to the police- they will listen and can give you advice on how to improve your security and other things- son't worry about them making light of it- they won't and that aside, your safety is FAR more important than feeling "silly"

Stop talking to him- If he calls don't answer and e-mails just send the same response- "I do not want to have contact with you anymore, please stop trying to contact me"

Have you spoken to any friends about this? Are they aware of what this guy is doing? may help you to have some Real Life support/someone to talk things over with. Do you have any friends in common with him?

Forget worrying about what he said/meant etc you feel uncomfortable therefore you are right to get far far away, end of, doesn't matter if he didn't think it was that bad, doesn't matter if he thinks you should talk, You don't want to, You feel threatened trust your instincts.

Even before you mentioned the frankly blimming scary behaviour with the coming to your flat/mentioning rape - he was not someone you wanted to be around he was a creep and a nasty person so don't let him worm his way in any further just say NO you owe him NOTHING : just keep repeating it - I don't want to see you, I don't want to talk to you, leave me alone.

AFWIT If a guy I'd only just met mentioned rape- especially in the context of being allowed into my home- I would have run a mile...or ten!

Be careful QS but be firm, in future I would sya my best advice is as soon as a person makes you feel uncomfortable, don't make excuses and justify it- move on life is too short to spend it pandering to idiots like that!

I hope you get things sorted out soon QS

MrsWoolfe

QuantumSuccess

CH27 wrote: »

So what are you going to do?

For starters I've not responded to his most recent email. I'm debating between simply ignoring him from now on OR actually sending him an email saying I want no further contact and telling him not to contact me. I'm favouring the idea of simply not replying as he is not somebody I'd want to get on the wrong side of AT ALL:eek:

CH27

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

For starters I've not responded to his most recent email. I'm debating between simply ignoring him from now on OR actually sending him an email saying I want no further contact and telling him not to contact me. I'm favouring the idea of simply not replying as he is not somebody I'd want to get on the wrong side of AT ALL:eek:

I would email him saying do not contact me again.
Keep a copy of the email as it will be relevant if things escalate.

bargainbetty

Send him a short email telling him that you do not wish to continue communicating with him. State that you do not want emails, texts, phonecalls or letters, and that you will not speak to him in person either - as far as you are concerned the matter is finished, and any attempt by him to enter your property or workplace, or engineer a meeting will be unwelcome. No flowery language, nothing that can be ambiguous - you do not want to hear from him again, in any manner, by any method. Do not enter into any further communication with him - no further emails, texts etc.

Red button his calls, or hang up if he sneaks through on an unknown number, but keep his texts, emails etc and the call log. No discussion, do not let him draw you into talking to him. He will continue to manipulate you only if you let him. No conversation.

If he chases you via phone, or turns up, call the police. Don't even open the door, just call the police. Do not let him in under any circumstances. I had an ex who did this, and after he put his hands on my throat I managed to kick his !!!! out of the flat (he wasn't a big bloke though) and get the door shut. The police were absolutely superb, answered his next call on my behalf and then gave him a formal caution under the Harassment Act. At that point, one more attempt to contact you becomes a prosecutable offence. Press charges.

Good luck and be strong.

Nimeth

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

For starters I've not responded to his most recent email. I'm debating between simply ignoring him from now on OR actually sending him an email saying I want no further contact and telling him not to contact me. I'm favouring the idea of simply not replying as he is not somebody I'd want to get on the wrong side of AT ALL:eek:

Haven't you already told him to leave you alone and that he is not to contact you again? If so, do you have a record of it? If not, send a short, terse email saying exactly that "I do not wish to see you again, do not contact me again". Save it for records later if you need them.

After that I strongly advise that you ignore everything he sends you, emails, texts, etc. Do not respond to him as all too often contact, any sort of contact, usually just eggs them on. Given what you've posted about him, I'd bet he'll see any sort of further response, even if it's you telling him to f off, to his missives as 'oh she really doesn't want that, she's just being a tease' and he'll be at your door again wanting to talk about it. Of course, log all such visits, keep records of texts and emails for the police as it will constitute harassment.