Are these what you would call red flags or warning signs?

QuantumSuccess

marywooyeah wrote: »

I really don't understand - you come on here saying this kind of things, then ask advice as to whether or not to stay with him, then start another thread asking whether you think it's ok to make some one wait for sex if you feel pressured.

You CLEARLY understand what kind of person he is, you need to get away from him now. Tell him you want nothing to do with him, and if he contacts you again you will contact the police.
This sounds like the kind of man who will ended up stalking you, and probably has the guts to take it further.
Did you just want people on here to confirm your suspicions that you need to get away from him?

If I wasn't struggling with dealing with this I would not be here asking for advice. I will readily admit I am not the most clued up person when it comes to dating and heeding red flags, but that does not make me a bad person or somebody who deserves to be made fun of.

QuantumSuccess

marywooyeah wrote: »

Did you just want people on here to confirm your suspicions that you need to get away from him?

Yes.

He keeps on twisting it and whenever I raise these red flag issues (the talk of rape, his nasty comments about his previous partners and about women in general, etc) he just says: "Don't you realize I am joking?" He says this every time and it has become like a sort of mind game. It reached a point where when he is on the phone I have to jot down what he is saying word for word as a record for myself because otherwise he will categorically deny he said it at a later date.

Tropez

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

I don't feel able to go to the police because the man has not actually committed a crime or threatened to commit a crime. Surely the police would laugh me out of the police station

If he is contacting you despite you having told him not to, he is committing the crime of harassment.

The police will not laugh at you and if they do, take their badge number, write to the IPCC and have them disciplined.

My company deals with every possible security-related issue you could think of, short of military anyway - and we always recommend that anyone feeling unsafe needs to speak to the police. They might not be able to go out, arrest him, charge him etc. but the more people who make their concerns known to the police, the better the police can strategise and protect citizens.

No sane person says that they will not commit rape because they have kids - no sane person ever feels the need to say they will not commit rape, let alone the rest of it. It is quite possible that other complaints have been made about this individual and the more people with the guts to speak up, the more the police can do to stop him causing further distress, or worse.

marywooyeah

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

If I wasn't struggling with dealing with this I would not be here asking for advice. I will readily admit I am not the most clued up person when it comes to dating and heeding red flags, but that does not make me a bad person or somebody who deserves to be made fun of.

who is saying you are a bad person? who is making fun of you?

I said I don't understand why you are asking these questions when you are then answering them yourself by saying things he has said and done which clearly show him to be a dangerous and unnerving man. thats why I asked are you just wanting people to confirm your suspicions - thats not making fun of you at all, I genuinely wondered if thats why you started the thread.

For what it's worth when I tried to break it off with my violent ex he broke into my flat when I was out and left me a note on my bed professing his undying love for me - that scared the hell out of me. I would NEVER make fun of anyone in such a situation, nor can I see any evidence of me or any other posters on here saying anything that would make you think that.

Fire_Fox

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

Yes.

He keeps on twisting it and whenever I raise these red flag issues (the talk of rape, his nasty comments about his previous partners and about women in general, etc) he just says: "Don't you realize I am joking?" He says this every time and it has become like a sort of mind game. It reached a point where when he is on the phone I have to jot down what he is saying word for word as a record for myself because otherwise he will categorically deny he said it at a later date.

Why are you getting into a debate about what he did or did not say and whether that was a sick joke or emotional abuse? Don't raise red flags, cease contact and report any stalking or harassment or threatening language. Police officers are trained to recognise this sort of manipulative behaviour and take it seriously from the early stages, it would be gross misconduct to laugh at you. You may well find out you are not the first 'victim'.

joeblack066

Everything about this guy is dangerous, you need him out of your life. i think that he is a predator, and has recognised a naiveity in you hat he can exploit. That is not an insult btw, you have said yourself that you may not be recognising the signs yourself.
Rmember this - you have every right to tell this man that you simply don't want to see him any more. If he continues to contact you you have every right to go to the police. They will visit him, tell him to leave you alone, and if he doesn't they will slap a harrassment order on him. In the meantime, make sure that your security sytems (locks etc) are all good. These predators are v clever, look how he has got you questioning whether you were right to not sleep with him. Get rid of him now.

shelley_crow

So in a nutshell...

He belittles you

Passes threats to rape off as a joke

Says that he'd never rape anyone because he has kids and would presumably lose the right to see them (but otherwise it would be ok?!)

Is overly pushy and overbearing

Is racist

Is sexist

What a lovely guy! Seriously, you need to stop contact with him right now. If he phones, don't answer it. Get his number blocked by your mobile phone/landline providers and delete him off any internet sites that he can contact you through. Don't engage in conversation with him, there is no reasoning with someone who is as deluded as he is! As a previous poster said, report his behaviour to the police, it sounds as if he may be known to them already. They will give you more personal safety tips, especially as he knows where you live.

Does your flat have a main door that is keycoded? It will be worth circulating his picture to your neighbours and manager of the flats so that they don't inadvertantly let him in.

The sooner you do this the sooner he will be out of the picture.

ETA: in his misogynistic mind, the longer you are in contact with him, the more he is going to expect sex and think that you are "leading him on".

*Chattie*

the op is a troll trying to spice up an non-existent sex life

balletshoes

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

So what's the best way to get rid as far as this guy is concerned?? He's just this minute emailed me again.

From what I've already shared about him does it sound like the best bet is too simply ignore all his calls/emails/texts etc from now on? Or actually contact him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore? I've told him at least 3 times that I don't want to see him again. When I do this he tries to insist on "talking about it" in person. But there is nothing to talk about. I can't date a racist!!

ignore him then - nothing to talk about, you've already told him, he doesn't want to listen.

poet123

Ignore him, hopefully he will get the message. Can you arrange to go away on holiday for a week or two, so that even if he turns up at your flat you will not be there? stay with friends etc. He will get fed up if he gets no response.