Are these what you would call red flags or warning signs?

Hermia

RUN! I think one of the golden rules of dating is that if someone 100% blames all their exes for the relationships breaking up the problem is with them.

The racism thing would be an absolute nightmare to deal with as well. Would this idiot be happy about you having white friends round? My aunt is married to a racist idiot and has had to get rid of all her Asian friends because he caused so much trouble when they used to pop in.

He sounds a total dingbat to be honest.

Caroline73_2

Hermia wrote: »

RUN! I think one of the golden rules of dating is that if someone 100% blames all their exes for the relationships breaking up the problem is with them.

The racism thing would be an absolute nightmare to deal with as well. Would this idiot be happy about you having white friends round? My aunt is married to a racist idiot and has had to get rid of all her Asian friends because he caused so much trouble when they used to pop in.

He sounds a total dingbat to be honest.

She didn't have to get rid of her Asian friends, she CHOSE to.

marywooyeah

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

I've tried to break things off with him gently by saying we're not compatible but let's just be friends. He got what I would call passive-aggressive and he said "I can't devote a lot of time to people who are merely my friends. I will only be able to talk to you once every 3 or 4 months unless you agree to be my girlfriend.":rotfl::rotfl:

sounds like more than enough to me! agree to it, then when he rings you in 4 months tell him you're pregnant with a white man's baby!

QuantumSuccess

So what's the best way to get rid as far as this guy is concerned?? He's just this minute emailed me again.

From what I've already shared about him does it sound like the best bet is too simply ignore all his calls/emails/texts etc from now on? Or actually contact him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore? I've told him at least 3 times that I don't want to see him again. When I do this he tries to insist on "talking about it" in person. But there is nothing to talk about. I can't date a racist!!

Tropez

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

So what's the best way to get rid as far as this guy is concerned?? He's just this minute emailed me again.

From what I've already shared about him does it sound like the best bet is too simply ignore all his calls/emails/texts etc from now on? Or actually contact him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore? I've told him at least 3 times that I don't want to see him again. When I do this he tries to insist on "talking about it" in person. But there is nothing to talk about. I can't date a racist!!

Sorry if I have missed anything already previously mentioned.

Does he know where you live? For the couple of jokes I've made, I do know that the guys at the company I work for would consider him a potential danger - not that I'm wishing to alarm you but we're all about security, so everything gets thought of in those terms - and as such if he knows where you live it could affect what method you choose to deal with the problem in.

Ideally, as you have already told him that you do not wish to speak to him further, you would simply ignore all calls, texts and emails and hope that he gets the message; however, stop short of blocking him because if he is unhinged in any way they can be useful in involving the police. Hopefully, he isn't dangerous at all and is just some guy with a chip on his shoulder and a self-inflated ego... but it never hurts to be too careful. Assuming that he isn't a nutcase, then he should get the message that you no longer wish to speak to him - if, however, he continues to pester you excessively then you may need to re-evaluate the situation.

QuantumSuccess

Tropez wrote: »

Sorry if I have missed anything already previously mentioned.

Does he know where you live? For the couple of jokes I've made, I do know that the guys at the company I work for would consider him a potential danger - not that I'm wishing to alarm you but we're all about security, so everything gets thought of in those terms - and as such if he knows where you live it could affect what method you choose to deal with the problem in.

Ideally, as you have already told him that you do not wish to speak to him further, you would simply ignore all calls, texts and emails and hope that he gets the message; however, stop short of blocking him because if he is unhinged in any way they can be useful in involving the police. Hopefully, he isn't dangerous at all and is just some guy with a chip on his shoulder and a self-inflated ego... but it never hurts to be too careful. Assuming that he isn't a nutcase, then he should get the message that you no longer wish to speak to him - if, however, he continues to pester you excessively then you may need to re-evaluate the situation.

Unfortunately he does know where I live.

My gut instinct is that he is potentially dangerous. I sincerely hopeI am wrong.

It's just that there are these moments when if you say something he does not like (which could be as simple as 'let's just be friends' or 'I'm sorry I'm not going to invite you up to my flat just yet') you catch him giving you this really evil, put-out and aggressive look. It's really frightening.

About a week ago I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He said we should "talk about it" in person and that he'd drive over to my place and we'd go out for a walk. I texted him telling him not to come but the next thing I knew I saw him walking up the road towards the flats I live in (and he lives a 30 minute drive away). On that occasion we did go for the walk and he told me repeatedly that I should let him into my flat because he will not rape me. He said he will not rape me or force me to do anything against my will because he is a parent (he has kids from an earlier relationship) and therefore could not afford a rape case on his record. He also said that "even if the woman is so aroused that I can smell her aroma, I will not force myself on her in any way. Even if you ask me for sex I will not do it yet." That entire conversation REALLY scared me.:(:(

Fire_Fox

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

So what's the best way to get rid as far as this guy is concerned?? He's just this minute emailed me again.

From what I've already shared about him does it sound like the best bet is too simply ignore all his calls/emails/texts etc from now on? Or actually contact him and tell him I don't want to see him anymore? I've told him at least 3 times that I don't want to see him again. When I do this he tries to insist on "talking about it" in person. But there is nothing to talk about. I can't date a racist!!

Why have you 'tried' to break it off, why didn't you stop seeing him? By not having the courage of your convictions you are showing this man you can be manipulated. Don't call him as you have nothing new to say, don't ignore him just use the 'broken record' technique. That means repeating the same sentence whatever the other person says.

First time "we're not compatible but let's just be friends"
Second time "we're not compatible, there is nothing to discuss"
Third time, see second time. Don't do this by text or telephone as that is friendly, use e-mail and keep copies. Once you have said this a few times, start ignoring e-mails.

Do not under any circumstances allow him into your home or be alone with him in any way. If he unexpectedly turns up at your home or elsewhere do not speak to him but contact the police immediately. In fact you might consider reporting the rape conversation to the police as that is a thinly veiled threat IMO, bear in mind he may already be known to the police despite the protestations. Do you have a rape alarm? Buy a couple and keep them in different jacket pockets (not your handbag, too slow). Are there any times you are vulnerable, perhaps leaving work late at night? Request an escort to your car. Consider leaving your flats via the fire escape if that is possible, not parking your car in it's usual spot.

Tropez

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

Unfortunately he does know where I live.

My gut instinct is that he is potentially dangerous. I sincerely hopeI am wrong.

It's just that there are these moments when if you say something he does not like (which could be as simple as 'let's just be friends' or 'I'm sorry I'm not going to invite you up to my flat just yet') you catch him giving you this really evil, put-out and aggressive look. It's really frightening.

About a week ago I told him I didn't want to see him anymore. He said we should "talk about it" in person and that he'd drive over to my place and we'd go out for a walk. I texted him telling him not to come but the next thing I knew I saw him walking up the road towards the flats I live in (and he lives a 30 minute drive away). On that occasion we did go for the walk and he told me repeatedly that I should let him into my flat because he will not rape me. He said he will not rape me or force me to do anything against my will because he is a parent (he has kids from an earlier relationship) and therefore could not afford a rape case on his record. He also said that "even if the woman is so aroused that I can smell her aroma, I will not force myself on her in any way. Even if you ask me for sex I will not do it yet." That entire conversation REALLY scared me.:(:(

Okay, he sounds dangerous, I'm sorry to say. Although it isn't my department, if you relayed that story to one of our personal protection guys at work, they'd almost certainly conclude he posed a risk.

I would give serious consideration about going to the police and asking to speak to someone. Stop short of filing an official complaint, as the police are bound to pay him a visit, but I think you need to get what you have said on record. Most large police stations will have a specific officer or department who can advise on personal protection and what to do if you are feeling threatened or unsafe.

If you have proof that you have requested he cease contact with you (ie text message in outbox, sent email etc.) and therefore can prove he has ignored your request, you can claim him to be in breach of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.

marywooyeah

QuantumSuccess wrote: »

My gut instinct is that he is potentially dangerous. I sincerely hopeI am wrong.

you catch him giving you this really evil, put-out and aggressive look. It's really frightening.

On that occasion we did go for the walk and he told me repeatedly that I should let him into my flat because he will not rape me. He said he will not rape me or force me to do anything against my will because he is a parent (he has kids from an earlier relationship) and therefore could not afford a rape case on his record. He also said that "even if the woman is so aroused that I can smell her aroma, I will not force myself on her in any way. Even if you ask me for sex I will not do it yet." That entire conversation REALLY scared me.:(:(

I really don't understand - you come on here saying this kind of things, then ask advice as to whether or not to stay with him, then start another thread asking whether you think it's ok to make some one wait for sex if you feel pressured.

You CLEARLY understand what kind of person he is, you need to get away from him now. Tell him you want nothing to do with him, and if he contacts you again you will contact the police.
This sounds like the kind of man who will ended up stalking you, and probably has the guts to take it further.
Did you just want people on here to confirm your suspicions that you need to get away from him?

QuantumSuccess

Tropez wrote: »

Okay, he sounds dangerous, I'm sorry to say. Although it isn't my department, if you relayed that story to one of our personal protection guys at work, they'd almost certainly conclude he posed a risk.

I would give serious consideration about going to the police and asking to speak to someone. Stop short of filing an official complaint, as the police are bound to pay him a visit, but I think you need to get what you have said on record. Most large police stations will have a specific officer or department who can advise on personal protection and what to do if you are feeling threatened or unsafe.

If you have proof that you have requested he cease contact with you (ie text message in outbox, sent email etc.) and therefore can prove he has ignored your request, you can claim him to be in breach of the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.

I don't feel able to go to the police because the man has not actually committed a crime or threatened to commit a crime. Surely the police would laugh me out of the police station