domestic violence

brokeinyorkshire

To those of you claiming to have your "backs up" because you are mothers, do remember, the OP is someone's son too. How would you feel if your son made the same mistakes, admitted feeling ashamed of doing the wrong thing, turned to people for help ... and didn't get any help, just condemnation?

You sound just like one of those do gooders!!!!

Domestic Violence is an emotive subject.

I suffered it and I expect many women here have too.

Seeing a man write that he has broken his g/friends nose, albeit she struck the first blow, is a HUGE trigger for some people!!

No wonder he has got short shrift from people here.

I won't judge him but its blo*dy hard not to from what he has written and my personal experience. The fact that this is an internet forum also adds weight to my theory that sometimes things aren't what they seem or aren't as we are led to believe.

Joanne

Lotus-eater

3v3 wrote: »

:rotfl: You really are quite rude, aren't you. Your statement says far more about you than it does me

I can be but at least I have never broken my girlfriends nose.

I didn't say anything about you.

When is your bloke coming back to tell us what the latest thing he's done is, the one that sent his GF to the police station? He says he hasn't hit her since last November, so maybe he stole from her, or verbally attacked her.
Whatever, she's well away I hope and she should never go back.

If (god forbid) it was my son, I would give the girl the same advice.

3v3

brokeinyorkshire wrote: »

You sound just like one of those do gooders!!!! :think: Maybe I am :think: Ah, yes, that is why I spent a number of years in voluntary work while my children were at school working with domestic violence victims. Shame on me and my "do-gooder" attitude
Domestic Violence is an emotive subject.
I know it! But that doesn't mean you leave humanity and reason outside the door

I suffered it and I expect many women here have too.
... Like I said in an earlier post when that defense was brought up, I have experienced too. I simply don't permit it to cloud reason.

As a "sufferer", surely you should welcome someone acknowledging their issues and endorse their cry for help?

I'll tell you what I learned in the years I worked in domestic violence (do-gooding ) it isn't *always* as clear cut as it may first appear. Nothing is *ever* black and white! While there are many bullying/abusing/controlling/domineering husbands, it is also fair to say that there can be just as many nagging/controlling/belittling/taunting/emotionally blackmailing women.

Now, that doesn't excuse *either* gender for resorting to violence. But, isn't it amazing that we accept "women who snap" but wouldn't give a millimetre, let alone an inch, if it were "men who snapped". It's the double standards of our culture.
You have totally disregarded her abuse of him as inconsequential and irrelevant.
The poster before you, while condemning the OP's "violent" actions, reacts by stating:

I'd have rammed your face through the drivers side window!!! and probably punched you in the throat so you couldn't breathe!

bit ... hypocritical? The "you touch me and I'll ram your face through the drivers window and punch you in the throat so you can't breathe" but, the g/f shoves a man driving a vehicle and his response wasn't anywhere near as dramatic as the previous poster, yet, that's ok?

Yes, it really is an emotive subject; but it is also a very complex one. Yet, most people who use the "abused female" argument to abuse a fellow poster - who no one (yet!) *knows* is a "troll" or insincere - are really just a step away from bullying. Equally, you use the term "do-gooder" about my posts, not as a compliment, but as a form of derision to get your point across. Is that a form of abuse?

Yes, I really, truly have been a victim of a violent, abusive and sexually deviant marriage. Yes, I really did leave my marital home in the middle of the night and make myself homeless to protect my baby son and daughter from a father (who used his baby sisters for sex) rather than have them in the same house as him.

Yes, I really, truly, have spent a good number of years voluntarily working with victims of domestic violence (both women *and* men).

What I do not do, is permit those dark years I experienced to tar all men with the same brush. I've moved on in my life. Nor do I tar all those female abusers with the same brush.

What I *will* do is, if someone asks for information, I give it! Who am I to judge when I don't know the full story?

Am I a "do-gooder"? Well, that depends entirely on what *you* mean by that title - methinks it wasn't meant kindly

Am I a "do-gooder"? Well, I put my money where my mouth was and got out there and did something very positive with my experience and turned it around. If I helped just *one* person in the years I gave my time, my experience and my hard won wisdom, then, yes, do please call me a "do-gooder": I'll wear it with pride!!!!

brokeinyorkshire

Am I a "do-gooder"? Well, that depends entirely on what *you* mean by that title - methinks it wasn't meant kindly

I said you ' sound like one '. Nothing more! So you think wong!

I am well aware that there are female abusers as well as male. Abuse isn't gender specific.

This is an internet forum and we are only hearing one side of the story which is why I didn't post up till now.

As a "sufferer", surely you should welcome someone acknowledging their issues and endorse their cry for help?

I am ' survivor ' of domestic violece!

You have totally disregarded her abuse of him as inconsequential and irrelevant.

Where did I say that?

Like I said in an earlier post when that defense was brought up, I have experienced too. I simply don't permit it to cloud reason.

You are lucky to be so healed.

What I do not do, is permit those dark years I experienced to tar all men with the same brush. I've moved on in my life. Nor do I tar all those female abusers with the same brush.

Me neither. It would be ridiculous to do so!

What I *will* do is, if someone asks for information, I give it! Who am I to judge when I don't know the full story?

Absolutely agree with this.

Am I a "do-gooder"? Well, I put my money where my mouth was and got out there and did something very positive with my experience and turned it around. If I helped just *one* person in the years I gave my time, my experience and my hard won wisdom, then, yes, do please call me a "do-gooder": I'll wear it with pride!!!!

That's great but not everyone has the wherewithall to do such. I was lucky in that I had counselling and the support of a brilliant online forum. I applaud what you have done and wouldn't mind helping DV victims myself .

Joanne

3v3

brokeinyorkshire wrote: »

I said you ' sound like one '. Nothing more! So you think wong! Do I? It was your comment that I "sound like one" which made me think: am I? So I evaluated that comment, asked myself that question and .. answered it. Even to be told I "sound like one" didn't come across as a compliment

I am well aware that there are female abusers as well as male. Abuse isn't gender specific.

This is an internet forum and we are only hearing one side of the story which is why I didn't post up till now. Yet, you have still only heard one side of the story?

I am ' survivor ' of domestic violece!
Yes, in a sense you are; I responded to your words "I suffered"


Where did I say that?
Here: Seeing a man write that he has broken his g/friends nose, albeit she struck the first blow, is a HUGE trigger for some people!!



You are lucky to be so healed.
Luck had little to do with it

Me neither. It would be ridiculous to do so!




Absolutely agree with this. Then why was no advice offered in your post; the OP asked for help



That's great but not everyone has the wherewithall to do such. I was lucky in that I had counselling and the support of a brilliant online forum. I applaud what you have done and wouldn't mind helping DV victims myself .
No, and I don't expect everyone to have the wherewithall either. But it is very easy for someone to sit at a computer, type off a glib remark and not even consider how that remark may impact on the reader it was addressed to.
Joanne

Joanne, if you are serious about voluntary work with DV, do go for it! Counselling has it's place, online support forums have their's too; but they are only one half of the picture. If you are serious, and you feel you are ready and can be objective, then do it! I think (although I could be wrong) that if you do it, you will come away with a broader, but more balanced, point of view. It is a very rewarding (and educational!) experience

scooby088

I had anger management i went to my GP and all he wanted to do was put me on anti depressants, but i wasn't depressed and the 18 months waiting list for the services of a counsellor, i couldn't wait so i decided to goto a private therapy place had about 10 sessions at about £45 per hour session. I work through my issues regard my anger management.

If you can afford to pay for your sessions then look in the yellow pages or online for counsellors in your area.

3v3

scooby088 wrote: »

I had anger management i went to my GP and all he wanted to do was put me on anti depressants, but i wasn't depressed and the 18 months waiting list for the services of a counsellor, i couldn't wait so i decided to goto a private therapy place had about 10 sessions at about £45 per hour session. I work through my issues regard my anger management.

If you can afford to pay for your sessions then look in the yellow pages or online for counsellors in your area.

Scooby - please may I ask, did you find the sessions helpful? Did they alter your anger issues, or did they offer you a way to circumvent the anger flare?

scooby088

I did find the sessions helped me a great deal, don't get me wrong i still do get angry with myself and others but i find more contructive ways to deal with it, i think it well worth the investment i made in myself.

3v3

scooby088 wrote: »

I did find the sessions helped me a great deal, don't get me wrong i still do get angry with myself and others but i find more contructive ways to deal with it, i think it well worth the investment i made in myself.

Appreciate your honesty, scooby; thank you.
And thank you for your advice to the OP and others who may read this thread.

johnnicola

In answer to my post at that time in the morning its because i could not sleep because loads of thoughts going through my mind.i been working 6 2 shift this week and engineer in my profession so not exactly stupid.the incident what happened is stupid.more on my original post.i did not have loads to drink had some shandy and lager so around 5 pints in total.since my post i have booked gp appointment for tuesday morning.phoned respect up yesterday for an hour got some good advice but could not put me on "domestic violence "course due to being under investigation with police.may have to go on one under probation service.also going to take some books out to read from library and give me some website information too.i really am determined to sort this problem out i have got.
In answer to peoples replies,i accept everybodies point of view but one thing i wont do is give up on my relationship with nicola.
i love her x