Narcisism!

xlittlemissx

Hi,

Just wanted to contribute to the thread. Over the past month or so I have been doing some serious thinking about my life over the past 20 years been with OH since I was 15. The gradual realisation that my OH is a N and not just selfish and self centered has really hit me hard.

It all started to unravel for me after he went into a rage and swore at our son. I have talked to my friends and family like never before and asked their honest opinion about things I have always kept to myself and convinced myself they were normal - also had some very needed support from a very wise person here on mse.

I want to share some of my experiences and behaviour I have noticed over the years (cant believe a big red flashing light didnt alert me but never mind)

- my OH is always right, he is never ever wrong. When he is proved beyond doubt he is wrong he wont admit it.

- he is very controlling, his way is the only way and nothing is ever good enough for him. He expects his tea done at a certain time. When I drive he taps the gear stick without saying anything if he thinks I'm in the wrong gear. When I wash up, its never done properly he makes a point of telling me he found a plate that "you hadn't done properly, so I had to do it right". I helped with the painting a couple of weeks ago, he said "i've seen your painting, I've gone over it and done it properly".

The house is never tidy enough for him, he never believes me when I'm ill and says I'm exaggerating.

He hates my family coming round and openly makes them feel unwelcome, he just walks out of the room when they walk in.

I went to my friends the other night to help her with her baby while she tidied up. I told OH where I was going he said OK. After an hour there was a knock at her door, it was him all dressed in his cycling clothes complete with bike. He said "I'm going out on my bike so you'd better get home the kids are on their own"! I had to go home (youngest only 8).

We dont watch anything I like on TV because its rubbish. When we go to bed if I fall asleep first he will flick my lips or block my nose to wake me up, he cant stand me being asleep if he is awake. When I lie next to him he tells me not to breathe on him as it annoys him. If I'm asleep and breathing in his direction he moves my head.

My mental health is suffering, I'm biting my tongue in my sleep and I have started smoking for the first time (im 35) as its the only thing that relaxes my tummy enough to go to the loo (sorry too much info there)

I feel like I could write a book thinking back!

Starting to deal with things now though so hopefully things can only get better!

LMx

meritaten

I would say that yes - you are married to a narcissist. Its all the little things isnt it - over the years they add up, and build up and you wake up, and realise 'its not me - its HIM who has the problem'!
because they are skilled at making you think THEY are normal and its YOU who is out of line...........and you believe them! then one day you realise (or you read something and a light bulb goes off in your head) its NOT you! now you have to deal with it.
you can either get out - most peoples advice, but not so easy when you have a family.
or you cope with it. let them have their way - or think they do! its easy to outwit them - you pander to them, flatter them and let them think they have the upper hand - they are so convinced they are cleverer than you its childs play to PLAY them. thats how I coped with MIL, but I didnt have to live with her, I do with her son though and I have learned that he has inherited some of her behaviours. he isnt real narcissist though - he is too inherently kind for that! but he does have some irritating behaviours - such as you describe!

xlittlemissx

meritaten wrote: »

I would say that yes - you are married to a narcissist. Its all the little things isnt it - over the years they add up, and build up and you wake up, and realise 'its not me - its HIM who has the problem'!
because they are skilled at making you think THEY are normal and its YOU who is out of line...........and you believe them! then one day you realise (or you read something and a light bulb goes off in your head) its NOT you! now you have to deal with it.
you can either get out - most peoples advice, but not so easy when you have a family.
or you cope with it. let them have their way - or think they do! its easy to outwit them - you pander to them, flatter them and let them think they have the upper hand - they are so convinced they are cleverer than you its childs play to PLAY them. thats how I coped with MIL, but I didnt have to live with her, I do with her son though and I have learned that he has inherited some of her behaviours. he isnt real narcissist though - he is too inherently kind for that! but he does have some irritating behaviours - such as you describe!

I know, its just a shame its taken years of stress to realise everything really isn't my fault.

LMx

meritaten

xlittlemissx wrote: »

I know, its just a shame its taken years of stress to realise everything really isn't my fault.

LMx

I know EXACTLY what you mean! but once you know that - you have taken control hun! my OH doesnt realise it - but I can play him like a violin! I know exactly which buttons to push! I did with MIL too. but she was a real 'poor me' narcissist - she responded to flattery and fawning over her - went against the grain but sometimes needs must!
My kids never speak directly to their dad if they want something - they go through ME. I know how to deal with him and get the results.
My MIL I used to appeal to her 'this will make her look good to her friends' side.
My OH is deep down a soft touch - I play on that! but, he puts on this front which is learned from his mum, its taken me years to learn how to crack it- but its worth it! He comes over as hypercritacal too. I ignore him now - I dont scuttle around trying to make everything right - it never was! so sod it! if he doesnt like it then HE fixes it! he knows I dont give a !!!! and he just gets on with it! like I said - not a real narcissist!

webitha

Cyril wrote: »

Hi

I was the poster that started that thread originally and I was disappointed when it was moved.

The traits of a narcissist were,

Someone oblivious to the needs and sensitivities of others.
Always right.
Never displaying empathy to another person
Always needing to be the centre of attention
Very insecure inwardly but often arrogant outwardly
Often appearing rude to others
Inflated sense of self importance

etc etc

I believe the their is a syndrome called NPD - Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

The general consensus of the thread was that you can't change a narcissist and to run for the hills if you meet one.

omg that describes my 7 year old little girl
my other two were nothing like this
am i in for a rough ride, or shall i just sell her to the next passing circus :rotfl:

CRH71

Long time, no pipe up on this thread - but I have been following it with interest.

Further to my thoughts on Narcissm, we have been going for various tests, scans etc., to try and understand why my wife's health has been on the decline recently (very long story, probably worthy of a thread in it's own right, but I am very concious of the "forum police" on here so it makes me a bit reluctant) and finally have an answer.

It is an advanced neurological illness that she has - effectively the same as MS - and the damage from the disease in her brain has affected something called the "Papez Circuit" - the circuit responsible for controlling emotions in the human body.

We had a massive (and I MEAN massive - the worst in our 13 years together to date) argument the other night where it was blatantly obvious that, had this issue not have known to be present, then wifey would have had NPD - some of the things that were said, and some of the actions that came out of those things being said, were very, very clearly narcisstic and exceptionally unreasonable (things like "our" house was for herself, myself and the youngest daughter and she resented the fact that there were older kids living here - in her view they shouldn't have been despite the fact that they were both our kids from previous relationships) and the twisted look of pure hatred on her face whilst she was in an uncontrolled rage bought back some very painful memories of my younger years and the suffering I endured at the hands of my mother - whom, I now realise, also had very similar neurological issues but hers were worsened by the medication she was on (barbiturate-based).

This now explains everything. The rages, the unreasonable behaviour, the obsession with where I am and what I'm doing, etc., etc (I don't need to carry on along these lines as many following this thread will be only too familiar with the symptoms and feelings stirred up in the non-N partner).

Clearly, more thinking needs to be done. Leaving, now, is not an option. No hope - my own sense of moral duty will not allow it. I can be callous and unthinking at times, but turning my back on someone both physically and mentally disabled after so many years together, and so much water under the bridge, simply cannot be done.

meritaten

CRH71 wrote: »

Long time, no pipe up on this thread - but I have been following it with interest.

Further to my thoughts on Narcissm, we have been going for various tests, scans etc., to try and understand why my wife's health has been on the decline recently (very long story, probably worthy of a thread in it's own right, but I am very concious of the "forum police" on here so it makes me a bit reluctant) and finally have an answer.

It is an advanced neurological illness that she has - effectively the same as MS - and the damage from the disease in her brain has affected something called the "Papez Circuit" - the circuit responsible for controlling emotions in the human body.

We had a massive (and I MEAN massive - the worst in our 13 years together to date) argument the other night where it was blatantly obvious that, had this issue not have known to be present, then wifey would have had NPD - some of the things that were said, and some of the actions that came out of those things being said, were very, very clearly narcisstic and exceptionally unreasonable (things like "our" house was for herself, myself and the youngest daughter and she resented the fact that there were older kids living here - in her view they shouldn't have been despite the fact that they were both our kids from previous relationships) and the twisted look of pure hatred on her face whilst she was in an uncontrolled rage bought back some very painful memories of my younger years and the suffering I endured at the hands of my mother - whom, I now realise, also had very similar neurological issues but hers were worsened by the medication she was on (barbiturate-based).

This now explains everything. The rages, the unreasonable behaviour, the obsession with where I am and what I'm doing, etc., etc (I don't need to carry on along these lines as many following this thread will be only too familiar with the symptoms and feelings stirred up in the non-N partner).

Clearly, more thinking needs to be done. Leaving, now, is not an option. No hope - my own sense of moral duty will not allow it. I can be callous and unthinking at times, but turning my back on someone both physically and mentally disabled after so many years together, and so much water under the bridge, simply cannot be done.

I am so sorry hun - your partner has this terrible diagnosis and YOU have just been handed a life sentence!
I wish I could say that you should leave anyway - but I cant, because like you, I think it would be morally wrong to leave someone who is ill and cannot help thier behaviour.
I wonder if perhaps you shouldnt start your OWN thread about this illness, and you may find others on here who werent interested in Narcissism, but would be helpful to YOUR circumstances?

ChocolateRose

Hi, Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but I just wanted to tell my story & see if anybody can offer me any advice....

Sorry for the long post too....

Background: Met Mr X when I was 18/19 & he was 35/36. It was my first serious r/ship & I moved in with him pretty much straightaway as I had nowhere else to live. I'm now in my early 30s. We split up 5/6 years ago, but are still living together (not sleeping together or anything like that).

I now suffer from anxiety, panic attacks, low self-esteem, social phobia, & agoraphobia (only left the house once in the last few years & that was to move house). I've become reliant on him. I don't have any friends (had a few before I met him) & my family don't really bother with me (they're not the kind you can go to with your problems; just not really interested full-stop). I feel like my spirit has been crushed & I'm just a shell of my former self.

Mr X: Told me he had cancer when I met him (lie), has told ex employers that he can't come into work today as his brother/mother/father died in a car accident (lie). He even carries the lie on & books another day off work the following week for the 'funeral'. He puts me down constantly, ridicules my health (calls me mental, a basket case, threatens to get me sectioned etc), shouts, gets in a rage/aggressive, tells me that my family don't love/care about me, lies constantly, never listens to me, talks over me when I try to speak & controls everything (right down to the furniture in the house, where things go, etc - you wouldn't know a woman lives here!). Just the other day, he had a go at me because I apparently buy too much fruit (I eat healthily).

He's spat in my face/pulled my hair, prevented me from meeting up with workmates after work & thrown me out of the house in the past. He shakes his fist in my face, & blames me for everything. He says he's never had this problem with any of his past girlfriends & I'm the one with the problem. He calls me disgusting names.

He's constantly in my face or business wanting to know how much money I've got/am going to give him towards bills, etc. I work from home (have always worked), yet he hasn't had a job for years because he falls out with the bosses (not good at taking orders). I used to buy his food shopping each week, but I'm not doing that any more (didn't go down well with him!). His family don't want to know him & he has no friends. Yet we're the ones with the problem, not him. I don't understand how somebody can be so horrible & hurtful, & have no remorse. He's never sorry. He'll be nice if he wants something (usually money), & then he'll flip out if he doesn't get his own way.

To the outside world, he's a charming, lovely guy. He spends hours around the neighbours' houses, chatting & having cups of tea (he never talks to me, not even small talk about the weather or what's on TV), & then he'll come back home & either ignore me or fly into a rage about something. It's like he's 2 different people. I just worry that the neighbours will think I'm some kind of anti-social weirdo/hermit, as they've not met me since we moved in. I worry what people think of me constantly.

I'm not strong enough to leave as 1) I can't go out (am OK in the back garden relaxing) & 2) Right now, I can't picture myself living alone & coping/doing things for myself (sounds pathetic, right?). Some days I think, maybe I am to blame, maybe it is my fault. I guess I'm just looking for some reassurance that life can get better. Any tips on what to do whilst I'm still living here - should I ignore the insults/try to detach myself from him? I need to rebuild my self-esteem & get stronger. Our tenancy agreement expires in 3 months, so I don't know what's going to happen then. I love living here (the area & the house), I just wish things were better.

I feel like I've wasted my life & it's too late now for me to start a fresh, & get married/have kids in the future.

Thanks for reading

whitewing

Hi ChocolateRose, seems the expression 'he leaves his smile on the doorstep when he goes home' was made for your partner.

Could you phone NHS Direct and see if you can get some help? There are mental health (and other) teams that will support you in your home, and having contact with a real life person other than your ex is probably a first step that you need, difficult as it will be to trust someone.

ChocolateRose

whitewing wrote: »

Hi ChocolateRose, seems the expression 'he leaves his smile on the doorstep when he goes home' was made for your partner.

Could you phone NHS Direct and see if you can get some help? There are mental health (and other) teams that will support you in your home, and having contact with a real life person other than your ex is probably a first step that you need, difficult as it will be to trust someone.

Hi Whitewing,

Thanks for replying. This is going to sound crazy, but it's like I've become scared of people. I can't even see the shopping in any more (he has to), as my legs turn to jelly & I get all anxious at the thought of having to see/speak to the delivery driver. I can't use the telephone either as I get tongue-tied and panicky