Narcisism!

meritaten

I am aware of that steel - Meritaten is only one of my 'personas' online. Dont worry!

blue_monkey_2

Steel wrote: »

Would that be so she can upstage you and ruin your birthday by any chance?

No, my mother would not do that, she was as much the victim as we are in respect of my dad - my sisters and brothers too.

I have 3 siblings, middle sister and younger sister and a brother. Brother and middle sister we do not speak to - they are very much like my dad. Selfish and out for themselves, very controlling - my brother was going out with my best friend and made her choose. She threw me out of the house with nowhere to go. I never forgave either of them for that, but they did not last long. My middle sister is just a b-itch, wants control of everything she can, wants to have control of my mothers finances so she can be sure she is not frittering away 'her' inheritance.

My younger sister is the complete opposite and she is OK, as is her husband. She has a few learning difficulties but is learning what the middle sister is like and does not give her too much of her time really.

My sister wants better than me, I am 'the black sheep' no doubt because I cannot be controlled by them (believe me, she has tried!!) so when I got married, she did, when I had children she wanted one. She got angry fo a long time and no babies came (the things money cannot buy) but she already had a nanny ready so she could pop it out and go back to work. Then her husband 'came out', within a year she was married again and was pregnant. That came as no surprise.

My younger sister had been planning a big wedding for ages and was saving really, really hard. Her wedding was in August, all of a sudden my middle sister was getting married in June, my brother the week after, all arranged within months. This is how sad they are, that they thought they could get peoples attention before my younger sisters 'big day'. Only it did not work and they were humiliated at my younger sisters wedding. I will however, save that for another day. :rotfl:

We do not have anything to do with my middle sister or brother, they are just nasty, pick-you-up-put-you-down-when-they-feel-like-it types. They do not like that I am honest and tell them what I feel, they control people with 'gifts' and try and make the kids feel 'more of a favourite' (Golden child) so I told them 'you buy for all children and buy gifts of the same value or your gifts will not be welcome in this house, we do not have the same values as dad'. They did not like that and it caused an uproar because I dare mention it, younger sister and my mother agreed with me but never speak out, they are too afraid of 'upsetting them'. I however, clearly came out of another mould. No more gifts came after that.

Oh, another thing my brother and sister did - it was my younger sisters 18th and 'they' arranged a party, in the middle of the party they made an announcement and called 'her family' over - that would be them, their partners, my mother and my mothers partner, I was left at the side and not incuded in 'their circle'. They do their utmost to try and humiliate me - they can try, but I am not like them and cannot be bothered, I know they are only humiliating themselves, but now I choose not to socialise where they will be. My mother got upset about it until I pointed out that she did not socialise anywhere that her sister did for the same reasons and she seems to have shut up about it now. I'll go for the morning but I'll not socialise with those people. I just listen and smile when the rest of the family slag them off for nit being very nice.

Oh my, I realise I could be here for a while.

blue_monkey_2

As per my post above, I don't really care if they see this anyway, they no longer control me or my life. I hope they find it - maybe I should add my name, they are no doubt googling themselves daily to see is anyone loves them. The only thing they will get from me is humiliation. And MNarcissists do not like that, do they. So they avoid me because they know this.

My dad, sister, brother, my friends mother, father, sister and brother avoid me like the plague. I think they can feel the vibes I give off. That sounds a bit weird I guess, but they try it once and then they must pick up on it.

Like when my friends mother tried answering questions I asked for her, I stood inbetween her and her mother and turned my back on the mother and ignored everything she said. LOL. She ignored me after that. Would not even look me in the eye. Because she knew I could shame her, I knew who and what she was, and after that they tried to turn my friend against me. My husband stood up to her dad, that shocked him.

But they will now avoid us. Stand up to the narcissist and give them some home truths. it has been a very long journey for me. I am 40 this year but it is only over the last few years I have learned to stand up to them. They no longer intimidate me and I think they can feel this.

As an after thought, my friends husband has been pecked away by his Narcissitic MIL for many years, recently he stood up to her - I was really proud of him for finding a voice - and told her a few home truths. Now he is 'banned' from their house and she will not look him in the eye. She sends her husband to their house if she wants a message given to my friend, and they no longer call on the home phone.

Home truths. They do not like these, humiliation, how dare you humiliate a narcissist, they will cut you out of their lives. Which may not be a bad thing overall. I just have to make my friend realise this.

hollydays

rachelhen wrote: »

There are theories that a narcissistic personality can develop through adversity in childhood although the resulting adult can be unbearably annoying it is worth remembering.
I believe that it is about something going wrong in the developmental stage of discovering who they are.

The narcissist i know was never given boundaries as a child,I suspect.The family observe other family members childrens(bad) behaviour and constantly excuse it with "It's what kids do",rather than address the behaviour.
I think they thought being liberal was being kind.They also constantly told the child how to do things,rather than let them learn to do things for themselves,and overprotected to a ridiculous degree, causing massive anxiety regarding taking even the smallest risk,so I think the person never built up that personal confidence in themself.Not mothering,but smothering.That is a form of abuse of a child,I think.

hollydays

irishesman wrote: »

I've been reading this post and to be honest it's been like a light bulb going off in my head.

What people are saying in here has exactly describes my wife and her outlook on life, and suddenly it is all starting to make sense. I've spent the last number of years trying to make head nor tail of what she does and says without getting close to a solution.

She does and says things to people that make me cringe and consequently has a minimal number of friends and can go days without talking to anyone. If someone does call, she will talk to them like they are a 'long lost friend' but when the phone is put down, all the conversation for the rest of the day (or until I walk out) is about how all the friend wanted to talk about was themselves, and that they didn't ask about her.

Her illnesses are always worse that anyone else’s, and when she had a Hysterectomy at 41 (young I grant you) hers was far more traumatic and complicated than anyone else’s, that none of the HRT that she's on is effective and is making her life unbearable, and on one occasion, I was told that I even forced her into having the op.

The children won’t have friends round to play, as we all know the moment they leave, she will fly into a rage, and will rant about everything anyone did, and how it will affect her and how grateful they should be to have a mother like her.

Our eldest child has real problems with sleep, and if woken during the night, can take many hours to get back to sleep, and it’s starting to affect her school work, every night my wife will go into her room to say goodnight, and 5 or 6 times out of ten will wake her up. The poor child is now walking round with huge bags under her eyes, and has asked her mum not to wake her and to stop coming into her room. But she refuses to change, as she says ‘what kind of mum would not say goodnight to her children’. She can’t see the damage she is causing. The fact that the poor child can’t concentrate at school is the schools fault, and the cause of another round of ‘poor old me’.

She always manages to reflect her moods, and if she is in a bad mood, it’s always the people around her that are in the bad mood and she is in a very good mood.

There are countless other examples I could quote, and it’s affected my career prospects greatly (another issue entirely)

So why stay around? Well the simple answer is to protect the kids as best I can. If we split, she would almost certainly get custody, and I wouldn’t be in as strong a position to take the majority of the flack that fly’s. Her ‘public face’ is wonderful and no-one would ever suspect what she is like in private.

Could you speak to your wifes doctor,in confidence,and explain about what is going on?

irishesman

hollydays wrote: »

Could you speak to your wifes doctor,in confidence,and explain about what is going on?

No, its not something I have considered, but it may be worth a shot.

Does every one else endup walking around on egg shells, or is it just me? Also, can anyone else tell from their partners eyes that they are about to turn nasty?

I tell you what, I had the best nights sleep yesterday I've had for a long time, just knowing I'm not going crazy.

Thanks everyone

hollydays

You walk on eggshells,but,in my experience,others may be different,you are damned if you do,damned if you don't.A very hard,cold,look in their eyes?Some narcissists like to with hold affection as a way of control.

irishesman

As a matter of interest, is it nature or nurture that causes this? ie is it something that they are born with, or something that develops over time or is learnt?

Also, in peoples experience, do narcissists treat all family members differently (ie have favourites who can do no wrong)?

I'm just trying to get my head round the whole thing.

blue_monkey_2

hollydays wrote: »

Could you speak to your wifes doctor,in confidence,and explain about what is going on?

Doctors do not want to know unless it is the actual person themselves going to the doctors. My friends husband has tried this after I sai dit might be worth seeing if they could help, and they said no.

hollydays

sorry,i meant in relation to the effect on the child/children,being woken up,child not being able to sleep,because of the mothers behaviour.