Narcisism!

meritaten

I am giving this thread another bump - as I have been contacted by someone who lives with a narcissist and is afraid of leaving. Now, That is up to her when and if she leaves, but does anyone have any coping strategies they could share?????????? she lives with the type that goes into rages - I have no experience of this myself - MIL was the 'Poor Me, I am a victim' type!
So, Anyone? did you find a way to cope or distract or anything which would mitigate these rages?????????

CRH71

Coping strategies?

If the person concerned is stronger than her (and it sounds like they could well be) then surely there's a high risk of DV here?

If that's the case, then she really would be much, much better off getting out, NOW and getting to a refuge before some harm comes to her.

The constant boasting, attention-seeking, bragging, self-centredness you can deal with by emotionally detaching yourself from the individual (I speak from experience), lowering your expectations of that person and almost "ignoring" them (I normally sit in another room on the computer so they can't just turn round and disturb me with yet another inappropriate comment) - as such this becomes a "coping strategy" - but where there is even the slightest risk of physical harm to the non NPD party then surely common sense should prevail and self-preservation take priority?

meritaten

I dont honestly know if there is any violence (physical, I mean). I get the impression it is more mental violence - and we all know how narcissists can inflict that.
my own way of coping with MIL was to actually pander to her - but then I didnt have to live with her and she wasnt violent.
I just wondered if any one out there had developed any coping stategies which would calm the 'rage' type down or divert them? even if its a short term measure? while this person gets their head together?

CRH71

Steel wrote: »

Does anyone else's narcissist use money to try and control them?

I've been disinherited (apparently) for not doing what I was told.

Yup. My mother did this.

Despite me doing an awful lot for her when I was younger (she was disabled and I became her main carer after Dad became ill and eventually passed away when I was in my teens) she never liked the fact that I left home, got married (mistake that was, but that's another story) and then divorced her.

She'd think nothing of phoning our house (we lived, then, about 10 minutes away) and telling me she'd "lost" one of the cats, or the tortoise, and expected that I'd drop everything and rush round there to find said animal for her. That was just one of her many little stunts she'd pull - there are many others.....

When Dad passed away, of course, Mum got the house and all it's chattels, plus all his death-in-service benefits, and a pension for life from his previous employer so it would be fair to say she was fairly comfortably off.

She outlasted him 12 years and when she passed away, it was assumed (by everyone else in the so-called "family" - luckily I was more cynical) that the childhood home had been passed down to the only child of the marriage. That turned out not to be the case and instead the house had been bequeathed to a local-to-her charity that had never had any dealings with the family and was seemingly picked at random "because she felt sorry for the children".

Had that have been one of the many charities for the disabled which had helped her in the years before her passing, and from whom she had derived great pleasure and benefit I would have fully understood the gesture and, indeed, driven the set of keys to their Head Office personally and thanked them for what they'd done for Mum in her life.

In the event, I got virtually nothing of what (at the end of the day) my father had worked so hard to give me in the event of his death. All because, apparently, I didn't follow in my father's footsteps (or, after his death it was my maternal grandfather's footsteps) and go into a "decent job" - despite the fact that I have worked virtually continually since I was 13 years old.

I also buy the rage thing totally - to other people, she was the sweetest human being (almost to the point of sickly-sweetness) you could ever wish to meet. Behind closed doors, and only if you were VERY close to her (i.e. immediate family) then it was like Jekyll and Hyde. I lost count of the times I got threatened with (or hit with) a walking stick when I was younger - especially after Dad's death - but ALWAYS behind closed doors and when we were alone in the house. Looking back, of course, that was DV and I should have had it dealt with as such, but when you're living at home, and it's your Mum doing it (and Dad's not around because the poor sod's ill in hospital) you just accept it as "the norm", don't you?

CRH71

meritaten wrote: »

I dont honestly know if there is any violence (physical, I mean). I get the impression it is more mental violence - and we all know how narcissists can inflict that.
my own way of coping with MIL was to actually pander to her - but then I didnt have to live with her and she wasnt violent.
I just wondered if any one out there had developed any coping stategies which would calm the 'rage' type down or divert them? even if its a short term measure? while this person gets their head together?

The narcisstic rages can often become physical - mainly "lashing out" but it can be much worse, especially if an implement is in the hand at the time.

The mental torment you can learn to cope with - I actually started an online counselling course which taught me some different thinking strategies and this really helped me cope quite well.

You're obviously a trusted confidante of this person's - please try and find out if there is any hint of physical DV in these foul "rages" and if there is please, I implore you, encourage her to take action to protect herself from harm.

All the coping strategies in the world are useless if the individual that has learned them is 6 feet under. Sorry to sound so blunt and apologies for any upset/offence caused by this statement but it is a subject I feel very strongly about indeed.

Steel_2

meritaten wrote: »

I am giving this thread another bump - as I have been contacted by someone who lives with a narcissist and is afraid of leaving. Now, That is up to her when and if she leaves, but does anyone have any coping strategies they could share?????????? she lives with the type that goes into rages - I have no experience of this myself - MIL was the 'Poor Me, I am a victim' type!
So, Anyone? did you find a way to cope or distract or anything which would mitigate these rages?????????

To be honest, I either used humour or I left the scene as fast as possible. The sulks that resulted when he couldn't get the reaction he needed to make him feel good were immense and could go on for weeks, but at least when he was sulking he wasn't talking to me or giving me a hard time. I could ignore him.

If he's flying into daily rages at her, I would suggest her spending a couple of days getting her financial paperwork together, giving another address for the most important stuff (hopefully he hasn't completely cut her off from her family and friends as many do, so she can use their address) and then leave quickly without warning. She can hire a man with van while he is at work (assuming he works) and just go. If she warns him or gives a hint that she's thinking about it, it could tip him into violence if he hasn't been doing so already and also make him more manipulative as he'll find a way to be more controlling to make it harder for her to leave him.

Are they married? Do they own a house together? If so, whose name is on all the paperwork?

When I left home it was more of an escape. I went with the most important stuff I could put in boyfriend's car quickly and left the rest, which I understand was given away or destroyed afterwards. I refused to be held in place by belongings - they could be replaced. I had no guilt at all by that point. He'd worn me down to a point where I was no longer scared of him and I no longer cared for him, so going was easy.

He refused to speak to me for 2.5 years after that.

Best 2.5 years of my life.

Steel_2

CRH71 wrote: »

That turned out not to be the case and instead the house had been bequeathed to a local-to-her charity that had never had any dealings with the family and was seemingly picked at random "because she felt sorry for the children".

Had that have been one of the many charities for the disabled which had helped her in the years before her passing, and from whom she had derived great pleasure and benefit I would have fully understood the gesture and, indeed, driven the set of keys to their Head Office personally and thanked them for what they'd done for Mum in her life.

In the event, I got virtually nothing of what (at the end of the day) my father had worked so hard to give me in the event of his death. All because, apparently, I didn't follow in my father's footsteps (or, after his death it was my maternal grandfather's footsteps) and go into a "decent job" - despite the fact that I have worked virtually continually since I was 13 years old.

So sorry to hear this. To be 'told' either by word or deed that you've not really done anything special when you've been a carer for someone for years is disgusting. Narcs have a very selective memory and rarely remember what you do for them because as far as they are concerned putting their needs before yours is the way it should be. There's nothing out of the ordinary or beyond the call of duty. It's what they would consider a normal state of affairs. You couldn't even give them a kidney without them thinking they had rights to it anyway.

I explained to my husband that as a last act there was every chance my father would bequeath everything to the cat's home, so to be prepared to have to step in and look after my mother if he goes first and leaves her with nothing but the clothes she's standing up in.

He's made a big deal about showing me and her his will but you know what? I don't believe it. He delights in setting people up and then whipping the rug out from under them. I won't be going to a will reading if I'm asked to attend. I'm not sitting there while a long list of my and my sister's faults and mistakes are read out and used as a reason why he's left the money to a cat's home.

***

Just thought I'd share the content of a phonecall I received yesterday from my father. Classic self-absorbed narc.

Phone rings, hubby picks up.
"Oh. Is she there?"
"Hello X. How are you today?"
"Oh. Yes. Erm.. fine. Is she there?"

I take the phone.

"Right you can do somethin....oh. Yes. Right. I've been told I have to say hello. So hello."
"Hello back."
"I've been told I have to ask how you are and how your week has been."
"I'm fine thanks and my week has been very good."
"Right, now that silly rubbish is out of the way, you can do something for me."
etc., etc.

Reminds me of what he does on my birthday.

"Your mother informs me it is your birthday/was your birthday yesterday/last week/last month. Well if you don't tell me it's your own fault if I don't remember." :rotfl:

Steel_2

hollydays wrote: »

Find these tips useful to have in one post,but,if you live with one,you can't avoid them.

You can to a certain extent.

You can make sure they don't cut you off from friends, family and hobbies, so you're able to leave the house if they start. You can go to other parts of the house to watch TV, work on a hobby (make sure you lock it away afterwards so they don't ruin it) or have a long bath and lock the door so they can't intrude (and be prepared to put the lock back on the door when they take it off to stop you )

But you have to be very very strong, have strong boundaries and drop the guilt they try and make you feel. It's a hard slog and sometimes when you don't have the energy to deal with a huge tantrum it's easier to give in. I've been there, I've done it. But my mother never has got passed this point.

My mother no longer knits because he can't stand the sound of the needles clacking.

My mother no longer read books or does crosswords because he says she looks ugly squinting at the page and that offends him.

She doesn't listen to music because he hates her choice and says she has no taste.

She doesn't go and do the english lit Open Universty degree she's wanted to do for years because he gets angry when she talks about it so she doesn't dare try.

She can't just wander 10 minutes up to the high road and have a cup of tea with me on a Saturday afternoon because he throws a fit if she's not there in the afternoons. Apparently he can't work the oven and 'may' want something cooked, so she has to be 'on standby'.

If my mother had stood up to this jerk years ago she would have a life. He wouldn't have the power that he does over her. But at the moment she can't see that she's given him this power. She holds the key, not him.

1echidna

Oh well Steel, you have the perfect solution to life's little problems, if someone annoys you they must be a narcissist.

dawnydee73

I believe my ex is a narcissist, he used to have the rages, it had got to a point where I wasn't allowed to use the toilet tissue because he had paid for it. When he worked away he would take the computer lead so I couldn't go online

We have two children together, we split up 9 years ago and I still have problems with him. He will drive pass the house slowly so he can look in to see what I am up to, he won't pay maintenance because its my fault that he left. I do worry how he'll be with the children as they get older, the youngest now is not getting 'treats' like the oldest one does as he is not afraid to disagree with his dad