Narcisism!

blue_monkey_2

blue_monkey wrote: »

Thank you for this thread. My friends mother/sister and father are like this. I cannot even begin to tell you how they are controlling her life (I had a thread about it). They have convinced her that her husband is an abuser who will murder her while she is sleeping - all because THEY do not want her with him, they let her be abused, that was not their fault though - it was hers.

1echidna wrote: »

Oh well Steel, you have the perfect solution to life's little problems, if someone annoys you they must be a narcissist.

This has nothing to do with someone annoying you but with someone taking anothers life and rights to be treated as a human being, not a material object you can toss aside when you have had enough, to take their dependance and sanity, to make them reliant on you or feel that they need you, that their life is nothing without you. It's abuse.

My dad is like Steels, I've cut the poison out too and told him what I thought - he will no longer speak to me because I KNOW the truth and I 've contronted him about it. Ah, the shame!! Fear I have told others!! He only came to see my newborn son when he was 2 weeks old, and that was for half an hour to show off his new car. He bought a £2.49 rattle from Sainsbury (yes, I had seen it the week before) and then was off, he could not stay long he told us. They do not like to be PROVEN to be wrong do they?? I have a story about that and it was the straw that broke the camels back and let to me vutting him out of our life. Wow, the relief!!

Back to my friend though. She cannot seem to make the break, they call the police endless times pretndning to be here, they seem to thrive on the drama that ensues because of it. We thought that she had a lightbulb moment but she has 'gone back' to them and has spent this weekend being vile to her husband and her children, her children are suffering greatly and it is not fair on them.

Her sister has even arranged her divorce for her (pretending to be her then taking her to sign the aperwork), tried to lose her her job, have kidnapped her by saying they are taking her somewhere local and then driving her to another country with no car or money to get back - the list is endless. They text and call her excessively - and by this I mean the phone is ring, text, ring, text, ring, text. When she did not do as they told her and arrive at 4pm, they called the police and reported her a 'missing and concerned for her welfare'. Mother even pulled it back to 'poor me' to the police.

My friend can see it but she always go back to them. Is there an answer? She is not like it to me, but she is with her husband and, although she is my friend, I feel so sorry for her husband. I feel he needs to get out and take the children with him before they are damaged too. This morning I have texted her the links. I feel there is something of this in her too, maybe it feeds into people as her sister is like it too. She went missing for 3 days (and this meant just leaving the kids and just upping and going, no-one knew where she was) and she was saying 'was everyone proud of me, evading the police for so long' and things like that. So now this thread has got me worndering.

I've just sent her the links and a pretty damning message, I am sick of being dumped for her mother and sister because they are emotionally blackmailing her (if you 'choose' your husband over 'us' then we will not longer be a part of your life, we are
your proper family, we love you more than he does, blah, blah, etc....). I've been saying they are mentally ill for a long time.

Dave101t

blue monkey, that needs police involvement.

blue_monkey_2

Dave101t wrote: »

blue monkey, that needs police involvement.

You'd think wouldn't you Dave. The police did not care about the wasted 'police time' when they launched a missing persons hunt for her (despite her husband and me tknowing where she was), they searched the house, shed, pond, car and garden (so god knows what they said had happened to her) or the texts from her to me where she says she wished they would leave her alone. Or the 15 missed calls in a hour that the police found on the home landline. Or them abusing her husband down the phone and her husband passing the phone to the police who heard everything. I have reported it, her husband has reported it, the school have reported it, however apparently it has to be HER that has to report it. And until she does, the police can do nothing. Which is just crazy.

They have taken her dog to control her with (you come and see the dog when we say, no other time), they have taken all of her phone numbers off her card by copying them onto a sim (they called my ex-directory number asking where she was), they have deleted number of her phone of thepeople 'they do not think she should have contact with', they have called her boss saying she would not be going in that day and when she got to work her boss had got a relief in. Honestly, they are INSANE and the police do not care. They did not even care about the fraudulent application for divorce. It is just more than frustrating as she is beyond help from us anymore, they have sucked her into this web and we just watch her struggling to get out while they weave their cocoon around her.

This morning I've sent her a few honest texts (she is not allowed to answer the phone to me when whe is with them, they will not let her talk to anyone but them) in the last ditch I can appeal to her sanity before they destroy her life. Still, if it warrants more attention from the courts and police, what's the problem??

Oh yes, and all of that stuff - that was just 24 hours of her life. This goes on week in, week out. Her husband has lived with this for 12 year of marriage, he does not want to split with her but I have said I think he has no choice if he wants to retain his own sanity.

Oh yes, and her mum, dad, sister and BIL arrange to take one day off work each, a week, so they can give her 24 hour 'surveillence', they follow her in their car and even sit outside while she is at work, waiting for her to finish. Is this really the actions of a sane person?? They are all narcissists!! They actually do think they are - and seem to be - untouchable.

meritaten

blue_monkey I remember the thread about your friend well. I think the mental probs with the family (and her) go well beyond narcissism, although there is an element of it in their behaviour.
You know what I would do if I were her OH? I would move with her and the kids, lock stock and barrel to the other end of the country (or a different one if possible)! Take a new name - in other words, disappear! and you know what? I bet that your friend would find her way home or call them to come get her! but, at least she would have a chance to escape thier clutches - and if she did go back - then the OH should do the disappearing act again! this family is so unstable (nutjobs) that I would fear for the kids sanity!

meritaten

CRH71 wrote: »

The narcisstic rages can often become physical - mainly "lashing out" but it can be much worse, especially if an implement is in the hand at the time.

The mental torment you can learn to cope with - I actually started an online counselling course which taught me some different thinking strategies and this really helped me cope quite well.

You're obviously a trusted confidante of this person's - please try and find out if there is any hint of physical DV in these foul "rages" and if there is please, I implore you, encourage her to take action to protect herself from harm.

All the coping strategies in the world are useless if the individual that has learned them is 6 feet under. Sorry to sound so blunt and apologies for any upset/offence caused by this statement but it is a subject I feel very strongly about indeed.

No, actually I dont know this person at all. They read the thread and Private Messaged me.
All I know is that the partner seems to display all the traits of the 'rage' narcissist and that the person is both financially dependent and afraid to leave. They also dont want to post this (fear of being identified?) so I thought it may be helpful if anyone had any coping mechanisms or learned how to divert these rages. I also got the impression from the PM that it was reading this thread that made him/her realise she/he was dealing with a narcissist.
Most regulars on Marraiges know that it can take time for abused people to pluck up the courage to leave/and to get the escape plan in place. If there is anything we can do to minimise the abuse or lull the abuser into a false sense of security, then I for one am all for it!
Its just that I have no experience of this so felt pretty useless when I replied to their PM!

So, has anyone had any success with diverting or stopping a rage?


At this point in the thread I was going to say that there seems to be at least two different types of narcissist. There is the one that goes into rages if theyre thwarted in any way and the one (like my MIL) who gives the impression that butter wouldnt melt in their mouth and they are the victims here!
Do you agree with this? anyone have experience of both types?
Lord - there is a dissertation here, I havent seen a distinction between the two on any other site!

dawnydee73

meritaten wrote: »

At this point in the thread I was going to say that there seems to be at least two different types of narcissist. There is the one that goes into rages if theyre thwarted in any way and the one (like my MIL) who gives the impression that butter wouldnt melt in their mouth and they are the victims here!
Do you agree with this? anyone have experience of both types?
Lord - there is a dissertation here, I havent seen a distinction between the two on any other site!

My ex would have the rages that not many people saw, but he also plays the victim and would tell everyone how badly he's been treated. He comes across as a really nice bloke but hardly any of his family talk to him now as they have also had enough of his behaviour

meritaten

dawnydee73 wrote: »

My ex would have the rages that not many people saw, but he also plays the victim and would tell everyone how badly he's been treated. He comes across as a really nice bloke but hardly any of his family talk to him now as they have also had enough of his behaviour

so thats three types of narcissistic behaviour.
The 'Rage'
The 'Poor Me'
The Rage/Poor Me

All of them dangerous people who damage those closest to them!

Steel_2

dawnydee73 wrote: »

My ex would have the rages that not many people saw, but he also plays the victim and would tell everyone how badly he's been treated. He comes across as a really nice bloke but hardly any of his family talk to him now as they have also had enough of his behaviour

My father has no friends or family who talk to him apart from my mother, my sister and me. After 66 years on the planet, he hasn't got a single friend because he's driven them all off. I've managed to keep in contact with some aunts and uncles but I keep it very quiet because he throws a fit about it.

irishesman

I've been reading this post and to be honest it's been like a light bulb going off in my head.

What people are saying in here has exactly describes my wife and her outlook on life, and suddenly it is all starting to make sense. I've spent the last number of years trying to make head nor tail of what she does and says without getting close to a solution.

She does and says things to people that make me cringe and consequently has a minimal number of friends and can go days without talking to anyone. If someone does call, she will talk to them like they are a 'long lost friend' but when the phone is put down, all the conversation for the rest of the day (or until I walk out) is about how all the friend wanted to talk about was themselves, and that they didn't ask about her.

Her illnesses are always worse that anyone else’s, and when she had a Hysterectomy at 41 (young I grant you) hers was far more traumatic and complicated than anyone else’s, that none of the HRT that she's on is effective and is making her life unbearable, and on one occasion, I was told that I even forced her into having the op.

The children won’t have friends round to play, as we all know the moment they leave, she will fly into a rage, and will rant about everything anyone did, and how it will affect her and how grateful they should be to have a mother like her.

Our eldest child has real problems with sleep, and if woken during the night, can take many hours to get back to sleep, and it’s starting to affect her school work, every night my wife will go into her room to say goodnight, and 5 or 6 times out of ten will wake her up. The poor child is now walking round with huge bags under her eyes, and has asked her mum not to wake her and to stop coming into her room. But she refuses to change, as she says ‘what kind of mum would not say goodnight to her children’. She can’t see the damage she is causing. The fact that the poor child can’t concentrate at school is the schools fault, and the cause of another round of ‘poor old me’.

She always manages to reflect her moods, and if she is in a bad mood, it’s always the people around her that are in the bad mood and she is in a very good mood.

There are countless other examples I could quote, and it’s affected my career prospects greatly (another issue entirely)

So why stay around? Well the simple answer is to protect the kids as best I can. If we split, she would almost certainly get custody, and I wouldn’t be in as strong a position to take the majority of the flack that fly’s. Her ‘public face’ is wonderful and no-one would ever suspect what she is like in private.

meritaten

Irishesman - I am glad you were helped by the thread to see the light. Knowledge is power as they say. but, like most of the rest of the posters we need to learn how to harness this power to improve our (and our families) lives. By now, you know full well how destructive these people are - now we need to get our heads together and work out HOW to cope or deal with Narcissists!

I have been contacted again by the person I spoke of before. He/she is simply afraid to post - they tell me they tried to leave before and went to a refuge - I dont know what went wrong - but they do seem to be scared spitless!

I am going to do some more research into Narcissism and if I find anything helpful will of course post it on here! Everyone else is of course welcome to do the same and PLEASE if anyone found a way of diverting rages or mitigating the impact on the children - PLease please post!