Narcisism!

whitewing

My father/weak-willed mother combination are a nightmare. They send cards to my friends at Christmas saying 'thank you for being whitewing's friend'. I'm in my late 30s.

They can't cope with family members doing things without their say so. If they have no choice, they 'grant' permission eg 'it's lovely that your brother is having a meal with you. It's good that you get together.'

If my brother phones me, my mother sneaks around listening and then reports back to my father. She stands outside the door listening if we have a chat in the living room.

My father treats my mother like absolute ****. He has no respect for her, he likes his mind games; she's just as bad.

Although they weren't particularly physically violent to each other that I saw anyway, did anyone else feel that one of their parents may end up killing the other one one day? There often seemed to be that undercurrent - never spoken threats.

Steel_2

whitewing wrote: »

Although they weren't particularly physically violent to each other that I saw anyway, did anyone else feel that one of their parents may end up killing the other one one day? There often seemed to be that undercurrent - never spoken threats.

Not so much any more. The violent side has subsided somewhat with their age, but there were times when I watched him and my mother attack each other back in the days when my mother had a spine.

I once saw her snatch his glasses off his face and stamp on them. Lost count of the number of Sunday dinners that ended up smashed up the kitchen wall. Glasses of liquid thrown across the room at one another.

blue_monkey_2

My dad used to throw his dinner at my mum every night. And I mean every night. Why the F she carried on making it night after night, I have no idea. She found out much later on when they were getting divorced that he would have already stopped in at my nans on the way home from work and had eaten.

We would go for days out and would know when the day was over when he had a tantrum and stormed off back to the car.

He really was a !!!!!!. We are so much better without him in our life. He only ever wanted 2 kids so picks the 2 that are doing best for themselves and 'spoils' them. The ones who have the best jobs and earn the most money of course. I was 'the golden child' until I left my city job to be a sahm and then he wanted nothing further to do with me. My youngest sister has also seen the light and my brother (although he himself is a !!!!!!) is starting to see the light too and is starting to distance himself too. Ironically 'the golden child' is also a narcissit herself but she did not want to know until my nan died and my dad got half of the house sale - now she is all over him. She is only in this relationship because she is out for what she can get.

I showed my youngest sister the dwnm website and told her to read it and see who it reminded her of and she said, straightaway, 'dad'.

My dad has little or few friends as well, only ones that he can get something out of.

He used to knock on the floor and this was my mums time to go and give him sex.

When I got older I felt a huge amount of pity for my mum, abused by her own dad and then her husband treats her like this, but it does make you wonder if there is a pattern, but I realised why she was a depressed alcoholic. Him tipping drink down her throat was another reason though.

When I cut ties with my dad I gave him some very harsh home truthes and this is why he has never spoken to me since. My god it felt good to get all of that out. I told him I would be successful as I was running my own business and that it would be down to our own hard work, nothing to do with him. Last year it was my sisters wedding, because we was going he pretty much refused to go but went for the service and sat at the back and left before the end - but not before he saw us pull up in our new top of the range car, it was a chance we saw him as we arrived with the bridesmaids. Wow, that DID feel good. Later my husband found my brothers and sister outside looking around the car and peering in. Narcissists do not like anyone 'lower' than them to have anything than them. Do they?

blue_monkey_2

I have 2 sisters, middle sister and youngest sister.

Middle sister has the same issues as my dad, my sister worked as a cleaner for 1 YEAR to save for her wedding but no-one would tell my brother or middle sister because 'it would have been beneath her and they would have forced her out of the job'. So they told them she was a nanny. !!!!!!! It's nothing to do with them. Middle sister also has control over my mothers money. She cannot abide the fact she does not know what is going on with her finances. Also, whenever we bought something new, middle sister would have to go out and get bigger and better.

We were much lower down the 'pecking order' than her - in her opinion. She could not stand not knowing anything. Then we found out her husband was a transexual and was coming out and wanted the op. Her perfect facade of a life was in tatters.

Oh, you have got me started now. Sorry.

My mum asked me if I wanted to go to a summer BBQ for hers and mine birthdays as they are big ones. I've said no. Cut out the poison and make your life better. That is what I say.

meritaten

Thanks Steel - I wonder if the Narcissist actually picks a partner who will challenge them - and then make it their lifes mission to grind that person down to a doormat? Proving that they are right all along!
My MIL was the victim type - but my FIL was a strong, confident type who went his own way! Looking back he was ideal for her! she could pretend to be his victim and he was none the wiser just wondered why the biddies in the street looked askance at him! my own mum knew them all her life and wondered how the heck he ever married her! (mum had her pegged). I know how - MILs secret was that she pretended to dislike him until he got piqued and asked her out - then she charmed and teased him (she bragged about that to me).

whitewing

blue_monkey wrote: »

. Then we found out her husband was a transexual and was coming out and wanted the op. Her perfect facade of a life was in tatters.
.

My sister did not realise that her boyfriend was an alcoholic until she knocked a bottle of wine over and he was licking it up off the table with his tongue.

My dad has the most mind blowing ability to ignore anything that he he doesn't like/doesn't know how to handle.

blue_monkey_2

Interesting Steel, interesting.

My dad used to pick up this other woman and her family when we went on days out. Seriously, if that was my husband I'd be wearing his b0llocks as earings. Why my mother put up with this crap I'll never know.

I think you are right in them picking victim types.

Steel_2

Here's something for you Meritaten:

http://narc-attack.blogspot.com/

Unfortunately I think this blog's author died. I can't remember where I read that, I think another blog or forum. Her blogroll down the side is a wealth of websites about narcissism and sociopathy. They in turn lead on to others.

One of them is this one: ten steps to freedom from narcissists


And now a warning. There are websites out there by 'recovering' sociopaths - one in particular whose name I will not post in case it brings them here. They've written a book, various articles and have a forum. I've heard too many bad things about that forum and the number of sociopaths who use it as a grooming parlour. After all, who is going to post about the effects of sociopaths but individuals who have been abused and it's rich pickings for the sociopaths looking for the next victim.

In the same vein, be aware of the possible results of posting your experiences on this thread for the same reason. Sorry to sound so melodramatic.

CRH71

meritaten wrote: »

Thanks Steel - I wonder if the Narcissist actually picks a partner who will challenge them - and then make it their lifes mission to grind that person down to a doormat? Proving that they are right all along!

My mother had my father "chosen for her" because of his "sheltered upbringing". My grandparents thought he'd be "good for their eldest daughter"...

Seriously, Dad was a very kind, gentle man - would do anything for anyone. Mum was a narcissist with a lousy temper behind closed doors. She put so much pressure on him that he ended up seriously ill with cirrhosis of the liver (and not through drink - I can vouch for the fact he never touched a drop of alcohol - she did, mind you...) exacerbated by stress. In fact, he needed a transplant after a few years of this stress building up ever-higher. Ultimately, it was this transplant that ended his life as his heart failed a few days after the operation.

Many a time when I was younger I'd hear her screaming at him and witnessed her striking him (at one time I recall her having a dinner knife in her hand and she cut his hand where he tried to grab it off of her to protect himself).

Sure, she was disabled, and on some pretty potent medications (I know know that she was on barbiturates and understand these had some pretty horrible side-effects) but she was also exceptionally narcisstic - the world revolved around her, and her only, and she had sod-all empathy with, or for, anybody else or their feelings, wants or needs.

In the end, she ground him down to nothing - a shell of the man he once was. Much as he still loved her in his way, by that point she'd virtually ostracised him from his entire family and managed to turn my (already poison-tongued) grandmother against him. She rarely, if ever, wanted to come and see him in hospital, instead leaving me to do all the travelling and "update her" when I got home (this was in the days long before mobiles!).

However, even after all this, "support" and "encouragement" were not words in her vocabulary. I was only a young (ish) teen when Dad first got ill - I was just 13 and only 17 when he passed away. In that time, I took over his "caring" role for Mum and also took on part-time work to try and keep the roof over our head and food on the table. Oh, and going to school/college.

Still that wasn't good enough, I'd "never be anything" and I was the "stupid little boy". How she wished I'd been born a girl - you know, all the usual encouragements us parents dish out to our kids all the time....

For years this affected me, and I am sure, still does. However, I then repeated the mistake with my second wife who, on the face of it was actually the complete opposite of my mother. (No, the warning klaxons didn't sound, although looking back of course they should have!). Over the years, she's, sadly, proved herself to be a clone of my mother, including the narcisstic ways that, initially, I'd put down to mild Aspergers, or extreme selfishness. Now, thanks to threads like this, I know differently. I have found myself mentally whizzing down a "check list" of symptoms and both these females tick a hell of a lot of boxes.

Why stay? Well, the first reason is the children. All the time I'm here I can help protect them from the worst of their mother's ways and, more to the point, I've got responsibilities towards her as a carer that I simply cannot ignore - nobody with a shred of compassion would.

Steel_2

blue_monkey wrote: »

Oh, you have got me started now. Sorry.

I know what you mean! Once you open the floodgates it all starts to come out. It's good to write it down (sometimes physically writing it out in a diary) as it bubbles to the surface, but don't read it back.

blue_monkey wrote: »

My mum asked me if I wanted to go to a summer BBQ for hers and mine birthdays as they are big ones.

Would that be so she can upstage you and ruin your birthday by any chance?