Narcisism!

hollydays

scottish_lassy wrote: »

I was brought up in a single parent family by a narcissist. This was really frightening for my sister and I as we didn't know what each day would bring. Rages, blame, fault and she was always sicker than anyone else - dying more often than not (our fault ofcourse). All this whilst at the same time being charm personified to anyone else who would listen to her 'poor me' woes. No-one would have believed us until she got older and those who worked with her started getting the same treatment. She could always, very cleverly pick on your weakest point and use that as her basis for manipulation.

After her rages, we always had to be the ones to apologise (now, I don't know what for - lack of consideration, not treating her as number 1 etc). Anyway a number of years ago, I decided I would not go and apologise and wait for her to come to me (which now I realise she would never do as that is a sign of weakness) - after 16 yrs I finally got a phone call - from the hospital to inform me she had died. No contact is the only way to deal with narcissists as you will always be at fault - damned if you do, damned if you don't. They will never change. I have no regrets as I managed to protect my daughter from the continuing abuse.

The impact on my adult life is immense. I cannot trust, my sister and I can't have a normal relationship as we were always played off against each other and I am always trying to 'read' people so that I can adapt my behaviour accordingly to pacify them.

My advice to anyone with a narcissist in their lives - GET RID - they will bleed you!

If anyone has ever had a relationshi[p with a narcisist,this post will really resonate.They can seem extremely charming,to the outside world,be very successful (after all,they are ruthless).

Narcisists have only two emotions,shame and fear.If you have encountered a narcisists RAGE,you will most likely be damaged,unless you get out quick.It can take a long time to realise what they are doing to you.I have read about something called "narcistic supply",if you encounter a narcisist,this can help to understand what makes them tick
.
There are two links here that explain what typical conversations with one can be like.scuse any spammy bits-read the bit lower down called "twisted reality",Anyone who has truly encountered a narcisist will have been through this pretty much every day of their lives.There is a type of psychological abuse called "gaslighting",this explains it a bit and how you can NEVER have a conversation with a narcisist.

http://survivorquotes.bravehost.com/gaslight.html

gaslighting-it is damaging and insidious
http://www.womensaid.org.uk/messages.asp?topicid=12841&section=00010001000800210001



A narcisist will rarely asks questions of you,because they are only interested in their own thoughts,not yours.
They can also typically have compulsion and obsession,be gamblers,shopaholics,big spenders.

One very interesting thing is-listen to what a narcisist accuses you of-lying,it means THEY are-,wasting their money,THEY are probably gambling for example,what they accuse you of is what they are actually doing themselves.They are extremely abusive,beware.I wish \Icould say I had learnt this from books,but I haven't.

Sublime_2

I thought this was a thread about good looking people. Laters! :j

1echidna

Sublime wrote: »

I thought this was a thread about good looking people. Laters! :j

Not so sure about good looking people, but seems to me that whoever you are, you need to get over the fact that there will be people around cleverer than you at something or other.:p:D;)

Sublime_2

1echidna wrote: »

Not so sure about good looking people, but seems to me that whoever you are, you need to get over the fact that there will be people around cleverer than you at something or other.:p:D;)

Go on, impress me. No narcissist me. :D

1echidna

Sublime wrote: »

Go on, impress me. No narcissist me. :D

You win every time over me sublime, I know when I'm beat

Steel_2

hollydays wrote: »

A narcisist will rarely asks questions of you,because they are only interested in their own thoughts,not yours.

It makes it impossible to have a conversation with them doesn't it?

One thing I've noticed they will do frequently is go quiet for while - at which point you think they are listening to you - and then they suddenly burst out with a loud comment in the middle of a conversation that is entirely unrelated to what you are talking about. It's usually related to something you have been discussing previously but have moved on from some time before.

I've realised it's because they are trying to think of something to say, to divert the conversation and get it back to them, but it takes them ages to come up with something if it's a topic they are unfamiliar with. They literally tune out for some time. The conversation will move on to something else. Then suddenly 15 minutes later - wham! - it will come to them and they practically shout out their comment and get really narked when you haven't got a clue what they're talking about. Then they insist you have to go back and have the conversation again because they missed it.

scottish_lassy

someone on this site passed me this when my mother died. Obviously the author lived in our house!!!!


http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com/characteristics-of-narcissistic-mothers.html

rachelhen

There are theories that a narcissistic personality can develop through adversity in childhood although the resulting adult can be unbearably annoying it is worth remembering.
I believe that it is about something going wrong in the developmental stage of discovering who they are.

scottish_lassy

rachelhen, I do agree with you. My mother grew up in a house with a serverely alcoholic father who indulged her and a disciplinarian mother who was trying to keep the family together. So she must have been really confused, indulged by a charming fun father and shut in the cupboard under the stairs by a stressed out mother! She then felt totally abandoned when another child arrived when she was 12 and had to get peoples' attention somehow.

Thinking of that little girl, I could get quite upset for her BUT she made our lives hell AND I knew it wasn't just that we were bad when she started on MY little girl - that's when I said enough is enough! Nothing like someone hurting your children to make you angry!

hollydays

Steel wrote: »

I don't think it's a sickness or that she's doing it deliberately. It's a tough one to pigeonhole.


They instantly think about everything in relation to them, them being more important than any thing else, so in that respect I think it is involuntary, but they are able to use control and manipulation to get what they want and control themselves around others - usually outsiders in the family - so in that respect it is deliberate.

If you extend sympathy and understanding you will be giving her a supply of what she wants - attention - but ultimately it will end up consuming you because she will become very demanding and want you to put her before yourself and your family.

It's not like a normal person who you can spend time with and then go on your way feeling a little satisfaction and happiness at having been with them. Interactions with normal people are a two way street, but they aren't with a narcissist. A narcissist will take and take and take and give nothing back. You usually feel worse when you leave than when your arrived. They will escalate their attention-seeking controlling behaviour to levels beyond what you are willing and happy to give and they won't care if you're unhappy.

My personal rules for dealing with them:

• Reduce contact for your own wellbeing. If they do something nasty, go no contact. You can teach them to treat you better, but it takes a long time and the lessons need repeating frequently. In the past I've been no contact with my father for anything between three months up to two years.
• Dump the guilt. Big one this.
• Never reveal anything they could use as a stick to beat you with and never confide in them. Never tell them what you are really doing, what you are planning or about the achievements your are most proud off.
• Never have them with you during something important to you or when you're feeling vulnerable, like a funeral or if you or yours is ill.
• Don't indulge their silliness or listen to their rubbish with anything but half an ear, because as someone else said, you're damned if your do and you're damned if you don't, so you might as well not bother.
• Don't have a problem leaving instantly or get off the phone straight away when you've had enough or if they look like they're in a bad mood and a rage is imminent.
• If they play up and are nasty when you are alone, always make sure someone is with you as a witness. Plan carefully so you never end up alone with them.
• Get caller ID so if they ring 5,6,7 times a day to wail or abuse you, you can ignore and not pick up.
• Put any nasty letters in the bin (remembering that whatever is in there is untrue and untter rubbish) and act dumbfounded when they ask you if you got it. Blame the post in your area.

If they think they have hurt you, their satisfaction and sense of power increases. Eventually when they can't get a response from you they switch to someone else.

Find these tips useful to have in one post,but,if you live with one,you can't avoid them.